I got my friend 10 barbies for his birthday because he wasn't allowed to have them as a child and he was afraid to collect them himself. That was my one plan that was interesting to me, but I finally finished it and now there is a void. All I thought for long periods of time were Barbies and Barbie accessories. I feel disoriented now that I don't have to watch any more Barbie review videos. I wanted to get the best Barbies, so I devoted a lot of time to it.

I'm also thinking about fulfilling my destiny and getting a medium length undercut. My hair is long, thicc, and hot, so recently I've been having to try to keep it all on my head securely (like this https://imgur.com/a/ZXRtkwM and it looks a mess bc I'm too much of a pos to learn to use bobby pins and do hair) so I'm not tempted all day to paw at it and put virus on my face. When it's all wrapped up on my head people misgender me all day anyway because at a glance they think my hair is short, and the genders are long and short hair, apparently. So I'm not sure what's keeping me from cutting it anymore, besides the lifelong desire to have long, flowing hair. But she's not flowin in these times. That's not really a plan, more of a Possible Plan.

There's an organisation that supports me. I have someone coming to see me twice a week, and they'll do stuff with me, depending on what I feel like doing, whether that's going for a walk, photography, playing a board game (although it's more limited in the current situation) etc. It's basically to get me doing things and interacting with someone outside of my family. Doing chilled out stuff with someone for a few hours, a couple of days a week - sounds nice, sounds easy, right? Wrong. I'm still fuckin' anxious about it. I really don't feel like doing stuff and seeing people, but I have to make myself. It's like taking a horrible tasting medicine which is supposed to make you better, but you don't really feel any different, and you can't get used to the taste. But it's supposed to make you better, so you keep on taking it when you feel able to, because you can't see an alternative, apart from giving up.