i think i still think that somehow i could have fixed things with my abusers. i hate them so much now, it's so strong, but i also knew them incredibly well and...loved them very much. part of me can't let go of that, and it sucks. i know that no one can fix other people for them but it's still anguish for me. i still miss them and yet i'm terrified of them sometimes. it's complicated but i mustn't go back.