[TALKING HEAD: INT. vampire's manor, the current room more brightly lit than the rest. Papers are scattered everywhere; there is a laptop on a desk, and what seems to be remains of a laptop on the ground. Two large empty bottles of vodka are where a bed would be. WEI WUXIAN, vampire, 207 appearing 25, sits on his chair half-sideways, one leg bent over an armrest. His eyes glitter at the video camera like he's trying to charm it—but perhaps it's just his natural charm, or the subject of his dialogue.]

WEI WUXIAN: I know I'm not supposed to have a favorite housemate, but if I had to pick one, it'd be Lan Zhan!! Did he tell you the story about how he got turned yet?

[off-camera: interviewer shakes their head]

WEI WUXIAN: Oh, you should—wait, don't call him Lan Zhan though. He doesn't like it when people call him that. [laughs] The first time I did I think he was going to throw me straight into the river.

[CUT TO: present day

INT. vampires' living room. On one sofa are vampires WEN NING (97, appears 22) and WEN QING (99, appears 24.) On another is vampire NIE MINGJUE (299, appears 37) lying horizontally, almost looking asleep—if vampires could sleep, that is. His frame is too large that his legs dangle off one side.

Sitting on the chair is LAN WANGJI (207, appearing 30). Wei Wuxian is sitting on his armrest despite there being another chair and loveseat in the room.]

WEI WUXIAN: Lan Zhan, we know you're just going to tell us to keep up with our cleaning!! I don't know why we even needed to have this meeting. Aren't I the unofficial leader?

WEN QING: No.

WEI WUXIAN: Well of course you'd say that, that's why I said unofficial!

LAN WANGJI: Nobody else needs to keep up with their cleaning except for you, Wei Wuxian.

WEI WUXIAN: (gleeful) Wei Ying! Call me Wei Ying, Lan Zhan!!

LAN WANGJI: I will not.

WEI WUXIAN: Why not??? I called you Lan Zhan even before we were vampires—

NIE MINGJUE: (eyes closed, hands crossed his chest) Can someone wake me up when the meeting starts?

WEN NING: Are you sleeping?

NIE MINGJUE: If I could, I would.

[CUT TO: talking head

int. LAN WANGJI's room: pristine, dark wood furniture with dustless drapes covering the windows. Moderately dark, average compared to the rest of the manor. A waxing gibbous moon peeks behind white silk curtains.]

LAN WANGJI: We were not friends, prior to our vampirism, as Wei Wuxian likes to act.

[off-screen:

Interviewer: He mentioned to ask you how you got turned.]

LAN WANGJI: He was not the one who turned me, as much as he likes to pretend. I had been hunting for the vampire Xue Yang, as had he, and a minor grievance had caused me to fall to his clutches.

[His face is impassive, but Wei Wuxian had come in during editing to watch all of Lan Wangji's parts and claimed that he looks troubled in this part of the interview.]

[Wei Wuxian also insists that all of Lan Wangji's recordings are usable, but despite that he has the least amount of recording time, we still cannot dedicate 25 minutes of this documentary to just his interviews.]

LAN WANGJI: (cont.) Wei Wuxian had also been hunting Xue Yang, and discovered me. (pause) He had assisted in healing me.

LAN WANGJI: Xue Yang had been the one to turn both of us. I believe Wei Wuxian was attempting to exact his revenge when he had found me. I was hunting Xue Yang for... other reasons.

[there is a significant silence we have cut out here, as he seemed reluctant to volunteer any other information. Then, off-screen:

Interviewer: Did you guys catch him?]

LAN WANGJI: Yes, we caught him.

[interviewer, after another pause: Both of you?]

LAN WANGJI: Yes.

[CUT BACK TO: present, int. vampire meeting in the living room]

WEN QING: What's going on, Lan Wangji?

LAN WANGJI: We have a new neighbor.

WEI WUXIAN: Oooohhhhh

WEN NING: Oh.

NIE MINGJUE: (still lying down, eyes closed) What does this have to do with us?

[Wei Wuxian has floated up to the high window of the living room to scan the area, it seems. Although we cannot detect anything ourselves, as humans, Wei Wuxian seems to have noticed the new neighbor Lan Wangji is talking about.]

WEI WUXIAN: Oooohh it's a human! A girl! Looks to be in her mid-20s. That should be easy prey.

LAN WANGJI: No. We are giving her a warm welcome.

WEI WUXIAN: What???? But—

LAN WANGJI: The Homeowner's Association has sent us a complaint about our neighbors disappearing from that apartment. We must keep a low profile.

WEI WUXIAN: You never told me that!!!!

WEN QING: He mentioned it at the last meeting we had.

NIE MINGJUE: (under his breath) That you didn't come to.

WEI WUXIAN: (simultaneously) We had another meeting?? Where was I??

WEN NING: Trying to get drunk again.

[CUT TO: talking head]

WEI WUXIAN: Do you know how hard it is to know you like alcohol but can't get drunk anymore?

[CUT BACK TO: present]

LAN WANGJI: Do not eat our new neighbor.

WEN QING: Will do.

WEN NING: (holding a hand up) I won't.

NIE MINGJUE: I'll try. [Lan Wangji is staring at him.] I can feel you staring at me Wangji. I said I'll try.

WEI WUXIAN: Why are we submitting to the whims of the HOA?? They also sent complaints about our front yard—

LAN WANGJI: That was when we were burying our prey in the front yard.

WEN QING: And left our shovels and mounds of dirt out there.

WEN NING: It did look like we just dug up a graveyard.

WEI WUXIAN: So?? It's still our property!! Why do they care?

[CUT TO:

ext. following WEN QING, departing the house around 6:00AM. It is still relatively dark outside, indistinguishable from dusk. The front lawn is immaculate, with freshly shaven grass.]

WEN QING: A warm welcome, huh? How much do I wanna bet that Lan Wangji didn't even say hi to this new neighbor? I have to do all the PR around here.

[CUT TO: talking head

WEN QING's bedroom is sparse, but lived-in, brighter than Lan Wangji's, darker than Wei Wuxian's. Despite not needing it, the bed is also made, with barely a speck of dust on it.]

WEN QING: Yeah, I have the most sex in this house.

[CUT BACK TO: present day

We are filming from the vampires' front porch as we did not want to trespass on this new neighbor's property. We watch as WEN QING looks over the house—a light on the second floor is clearly on. Wen Qing rings the doorbell; shortly after, a young woman answers the door. They talk for several minutes. The neighbor laughs at something Wen Qing says. Wen Qing smiles at her.

Approximately 12 minutes later, she comes back.]

WEN QING: (smirks at the camera) What did I say? I have to do everything around here.

[CUT TO:

CLOCK READS: 8:00 AM. We follow Wei Wuxian down the hallway to his room]

WEI WUXIAN: Goodnight everyone!!!

WEN NING: (from his room) Goodnight!

NIE MINGJUE: Shut it, some of us are trying to sleep!

[There is silence from Wen Qing and Lan Wangji's rooms.

Wei Wuxian stops and backtracks to Lan Wangji's room.]

WEI WUXIAN: Goodnight, Lan Zhan!!

[Lan Wangji's room is silent.

Wei Wuxian grins and leans into the camera.]

WEI WUXIAN: The thing you don't know about Lan Zhan is that he's so.... staunch, I suppose, about what time he goes to bed. He goes to bed at the same time every day.

[CUT TO: talking head]

LAN WANGJI: I go to sleep at 7 every morning.

[CUT BACK TO: present]

WEI WUXIAN: And he always wakes up at five every afternoon!! Isn't that crazy?

[off-screen:

Interviewer: Uh... is that early?]

WEI WUXIAN: Yes of course that's early!! At least I like to stay up late and argue about vampire mythology on Reddit.

[a background reel of Wei Wuxian's Reddit comments under the username of THEYILINGLAOZU starts.]

WEI WUXIAN: (v.o.) I mean, don't get me wrong—a lot of these people are right. Garlic, silver, sunlight, those'll all kill us. That's why I'm telling everyone to give us alcohol instead. Try to get us reeaaall drunk. Preferably the stronger stuff. Of course it's not true, but I miss getting smashed, man.

[CUT BACK TO: Wei Wuxian leading us into his bedroom. In the corner away from the window is a decent sized coffin. He lifts his cape to do a dramatic goodbye, then sniffs his armpit.]

WEI WUXIAN: Ugh, I'll have to do laundry tomorrow. Goodnight!

[He lifts the lid of his coffin and climbs in. It slams shut.]

---

[THE DAY PASSES. Lan Wangji enters the living room at 5:30PM exactly. He is in a change of clothes from yesterday: a contemporary white button-up, and grey trousers. He nods good morning to our staff, then begins cleaning the living room like we are not here.

WEN NING comes downstairs second. He blinks at Lan Wangji, who does not turn around.]

WEN NING: Good morning Lan Wangji.

LAN WANGJI: (behind the television) Good morning.

[CUT TO: talking head

WEN NING's room is mostly empty, apart from a small stack of books in the corner by the window, and the coffin on the other side. Despite this, it is dustless and clean.]

WEN NING: Wei Wuxian was the one who found me and my sister after we got turned. He said they were a kind of—we were a kind of vampire family.

[CUT TO: talking head with Wen Qing]

WEN QING: I didn't know what he was talking about, me and A-Ning are the only ones who are related.

[CUT TO: talking head with Wen Ning]

WEN NING: I'm kind of... less out there than Wei Wuxian. I guess that doesn't say much. [laughs] But he doted on me at first. Actually, he still dotes on me. So I don't think Lan Wangji doesn't like me very much.

[CUT TO: talking head with Lan Wangji]

LAN WANGJI: I do not mind Wen Ning. He is a perfectly good housemate.

[CUT BACK TO: present. Wen Ning is hovering over the television]

WEN NING: Do you need help back there?

LAN WANGJI: I am fine.

[CUT TO: talking head with Wen Ning]

WEN NING: I don't know why he was fixing the TV. It's been out for a while, but he doesn't even like it. He always says that watching TV is a waste of time.

[CUT TO: talking head with Wei Wuxian]

WEI WUXIAN: Oh man, entertainment these days is so exciting! Life back when I was alive—y'know, before I was a vampire—was so boring, like, I'd have to hunt for fun. Doesn't that sound ridiculous? Now that Lan Zhan's fixed the TV, I can sit back and watch as much bad reality TV that I want! Oh wait, we should start doing movie nights! Hold on— [he begins to scramble off-screen to shout across the house to the other vampires]

[CUT BACK TO: present

WEN NING is on the phone with someone.]

WEN NING: Yeah, can you bring—? And that one. Oh you have that one too? Great. Yeah I'll be here this afternoon. The cameras are here too. Sounds good.

[About TEN MINUTES LATER, the doorbell rings. Wen Ning opens it up to a boy who can't be older than 15, holding a pile of books. He also has a backpack on; it is clear he is on his way home from school. Wen Ning hands him the pile of books that had been in his bedroom.]

WEN NING: Thanks, A-Yuan.

YUAN: Two weeks, don't forget, shushu.

WEN NING: I won't forget.

[CUT TO: talking head]

WEN NING: That's my familiar, Wen Yuan. I think he's my great great great great... grand nephew? I told him to just call me uncle for short. He checks out books from the library for me, since I can't really do it myself.

[He gestures to his gaunt face, scars on his cheeks, and a significant laceration on his neck.]

WEN NING: I didn't tell him I'm a vampire, but I think he knows. Actually, I think Wei Wuxian might've told him.

[CUT TO: talking head

WEN YUAN had agreed to stay a little longer from his walk after school to do an interview with us. He sits in the sofa in the living room.]

WEN YUAN: [shrugs] Yeah, I know. Even if Wei-shushu hadn't told me, I kinda figured it out from the [he gestures to his neck, in the approximate position where the laceration on Wen Ning's neck is.] I don't know what a vampire familiar is, but I'm happy to help my uncle out.

[interviewer: Do you want to be a vampire?]

WEN YUAN: What? Oh, no. I mean, I don't think so? I haven't really thought about it. I'm busy studying for the college entrance exams.

[CUT TO: present. We are in the foyer watching Wen Yuan leave. The moment the front door is shut, Wei Wuxian bursts out from upstairs in his room.]

WEI WUXIAN: A-Yuan—! Shoot, I just missed him, didn't I?

WEN NING: You did.

WEI WUXIAN: Dammit, I was gonna ask him to buy me some soju.

WEN NING: He's underage.

WEI WUXIAN: Still?!?!??? God, humans age so much slower than I remember. I'm going back to sleep.

[CUT TO: A quick montage of Wen Qing leaving her room around 6:00PM, then Nie Mingjue shortly after. Wei Wuxian leaves, then goes back into his room, and then leaves again at 8:00PM. His outfit changes between these cuts. Whereas yesterday he had opted for a classic vampire look—high collar button-down, and notably a cape, tonight he has chosen ripped black skinny jeans and a tight black t-shirt that says MANHUNTER in red.

All the other vampires have also opted for modern styles of dress, but from the montage we can conclude that Wei Wuxian has several different capes and outfits that would befit a classic vampire.

We come to NIE MINGJUE who is in the living room, looking bored. Wen Qing and Wen Ning are on their smartphones as Wei Wuxian harangues them to describe how he looks beyond a brief description of his dress. Lan Wangji is elsewhere, cleaning something.]

NIE MINGJUE: Wei Wuxian, do you just want someone to tell you you look hot?

WEI WUXIAN: Finally! Yes!

NIE MINGJUE: You can go ask someone else.

WEI WUXIAN: (pouts) Tell me I'm hot, Nie-xiong!!!!

NIE MINGJUE: Nie-xiong who? And get away from me before Lan Wangji comes in.

WEI WUXIAN: Ooh, do you think I should ask him?? I mean, he probably won't tell me I look hot. But maybe he will!!

NIE MINGJUE: (to us, in the camera) We're going out tonight to hunt and since we can't, you know, use mirrors, Wei Wuxian always asks us if he looks hot. He's worn that outfit like thirty-five times.

[interviewer: What does hunting entail?]

NIE MINGJUE: Basically every night we go out and hit the bars to find people to charm and, you know. Eat. Except for Wei Wuxian, who sometimes just spends the whole night trying to get drunk. And Lan Wangji only comes with us on the weekends.

WEN QING: Lan Wangji doesn't like hunting in general though. Or maybe he just doesn't like bars. I told him before if he feels bad about killing people he can at least fuck them before sucking their blood. An orgasm's always a good way to go.

WEN NING: I don't think he's ever had sex.

WEN QING: What? No. Lan Wangji?

[Wen Ning nods.]

NIE MINGJUE: (frowning) That can't be right. Him? He's had to have sex, at least as a human.

WEN NING: I don't think so.

WEN QING: Why's that? Don't you think he would've given up by now?

[Wen Ning opens his mouth. Wei Wuxian enters the room. Wen Ning does not say anything.]

WEI WUXIAN: Hey, does my—What are we talking about?

WEN NING: Nothing.

NIE MINGJUE: Lan Wangji's nonexistent sex life.

[Wen Ning shoots a glare at Nie Mingjue, who does not notice.]

WEI WUXIAN: What! Haha! Nonexistent sex life?

WEN QING: Yep.

WEI WUXIAN: Well!!!! There's nothing wrong with that!!! My sex life is pretty nonexistent too!!!

[Lan Wangji enters the room then. Wei Wuxian doesn't seem to notice this.]

WEI WUXIAN: There's no shame in it, it's not like I've ever had sex before either!!! It doesn't matter to me!! In fact, what if I find someone to have sex with tonight?? I wouldn't care!!! Hahahaha!!!!!

[Lan Wangji leaves the room.]

WEN QING: Well. Okay. Thank you for that information.

NIE MINGJUE: You sound confident, Wei Wuxian.

WEI WUXIAN: I am!! You see my shirt here? [he gestures to the words MAN HUNTER scribbled in punk red on his black t-shirt] Might as well change this to VIRGIN HUNTER! Because I'm—wait, no, I'm the virgin. Well! My point stands.

WEN QING: No, it doesn't.

[CUT TO: Upstairs, we have found Lan Wangji in his room, staring at the dusky sky. He does not say anything as we come in.

Interviewer (off-camera): Uh...are you good?

Lan Wangji is silent for two minutes.]

LAN WANGJI: Yes, I am fine.

[He exits the room. We follow him back into the living room.]

LAN WANGJI: I will accompany you tonight.

WEI WUXIAN: What! Yay!!!

WEN QING: (deadpan) It'll be a real family outing.

---

[EXT. night. The vampires' house is several blocks from the heart of the city.]

WEI WUXIAN: (v.o.) Lan Zhan chose our house, actually! Back in.... 1932 when it was brand new. We'd just met the Wens too. Hm. I guess it'd be considered old now. But it's in a good place that makes it easy to hunt, don't you think?

[The five vampires stroll down the block. Some passerby are intimidated by them; others eye them up and down, while they dismiss these humans.]

NIE MINGJUE: (v.o.) There's a bar we like to go to that has a lot of healthy young people. So to speak. Lan Wangji doesn't like that we go there, but it's like, well, a vampire's gotta stay healthy too, you know? He and I both work out, but the reason he looks so much skinnier than me is because I'm not afraid to eat a lawyer. They'd probably end up more soulless than me if I didn't, anyway. I'm doing them a favor.

[We approach the bar; it's called VITAMIN-D.]

WEN QING: Funny, right?

[The vampires blend in with the crowd well. Wei Wuxian immediately goes to the counter to get a drink; Lan Wangji less than discreetly follows him. Wei Wuxian seems to think they are in a conversation although Lan Wangji has not opened his mouth to talk since he left the house.

Someone chats up Nie Mingjue immediately.
Wen Ning slinks easily into a group of people who seem to know him.]

ONE OF WEN NING'S FRIENDS(?): Didn't you go home with A-Ping last time? I haven't seen him in a while.

WEN NING: (shrugs) Me neither.

[CUT TO: talking head]

WEN NING: I ate him.

[CUT BACK TO: present

Wen Qing pauses to look around, then heads to the bar, joining Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian.]

WEN QING: You've never been to a Tuesday turnout before. The weekends are always packed. But the weekdays we have to be less... picky.

WEI WUXIAN: Yeah, weekends are when I can get up pretty and find someone to seduce.

WEN QING: You don't seduce people, you try to find the business majors and try to get them to join a fake multilevel marketing scheme. And then you eat them.

WEI WUXIAN: But I gotta look pretty doing it? What do you think of my outfit tonight, Lan Zhan? Does it make my butt look good?

[Lan Wangji does not say anything.]

WEI WUXIAN: I'll take that as a yes.

WEN QING: Oh look! [she is looking at something over their shoulders] There's Luo Qingyang.

WEI WUXIAN: Who?

WEN QING: Our neighbor? The new one who just moved in? Oh my god, you guys are idiots. I'm gonna go say hi.

[She leaves.]

WEI WUXIAN: Whatever. Hey, Lan Zhan, wanna get drunk with me?

LAN WANGJI: I do not drink.

WEI WUXIAN: You mean you didn't drink. Alcohol doesn't affect us now, so now it doesn't matter!

[Lan Wangji is silent.]

WEI WUXIAN: Pah, you're no fun. Well, that's what I'm going to be doing all night. Unless a rich person hits on me. But you're always the same as always, Lan Zhan. Are you just gonna wait for another unsuspecting twink to come hit on you because you don't want to approach anyone first? You're killing all the gay people, Lan Zhan. I'm pretty sure that's homophobia.

[reel: view is wide angle so we can see all five of them in the bar. Wen Ning disappears first with a young woman from his group. Nie Mingjue soon follows with two young men in suits. Wen Qing and the neighbor stay longer than after even Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji leave, but are seen departing together at the end of the night.]

[CUT TO: ext. street-side. We accompany Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian as they exit the bar.]

WEI WUXIAN: If you're not eating, then I'm not eating too! Yah! Let's go on a hunger strike.

WEI WUXIAN: (to camera) Sometimes I like to pretend I'm drunk when I'm not just in case it's like, a psychological block. My brain'll get there, I promise.

LAN WANGJI: Have you entertained the idea that you may have developed an extremely high tolerance after drinking so much?

WEI WUXIAN: No, because being immortal as long as I feed on the flesh and blood of human beings means that physical ailments can't affect me, duh. Except for charley horse. That's just cruel. Let's go eat something, Lan Zhan! We can split it, fifty-fifty.

LAN WANGJI: By something, you mean a person.

WEI WUXIAN: Yup! What do you think? Any ideas? I was thinking we could pretend we're, like, tourists. Or a couple looking for a third. I'm just so hungryyyyyy and I don't mind sharing.

[we are cutting across a parking lot. a STRANGER takes everyone by surprise]

STRANGER: What's this? A couple of vampires here?

[Wei Wuxian screams and hides behind Lan Wangji.

More STRANGERS come out from the darkness. It is, notably, a FULL MOON.]

WEI WUXIAN: Lan Zhan, protect me!!

STRANGER (1): Aw [bleep] not this again.

STRANGER (2): What's this?

STRANGER (1): This is the vampire kid who's afraid of dogs. Er, werewolves.

WEI WUXIAN: Who are you calling kid! Back! Back away! You wild beasts! Undignified animals!

STRANGER (1): C'mon I'm clearly wearing a hoodie.

WEI WUXIAN: [running away from everyone] Save me, Lan Zhan!!

STRANGER (3): Is he—Isn't he running away from you?

[Lan Wangji does not answer and follows Wei Wuxian.]

[CUT TO: ext. cont. a block away from the house]

WEI WUXIAN: I never want to see those werewolves again!!

LAN WANGJI: They are part of the Homeowner's Association.

WEI WUXIAN: Well that makes sense! Were they the ones who'd complained about our yard? Bet they wish they were the ones who dug up all that dirt, huh?

LAN WANGJI: Everyone on the HOA complained about our yard.

WEI WUXIAN: Whatever! I'm gonna crack open a bottle of vodka and then pretend to get drunk and think about all the sex I'll never have! Then tomorrow morning I'll pretend I have a hangover! I don't remember what they feel like anymore so I'll try to act like they do in the movies. Does anyone have any sunglasses I could borrow?

[we have followed them past their front porch and back into their house: INT. foyer where both are taking their shoes off and exchanging them for their house slippers.]

LAN WANGJI: When we were younger, did you not sleep with women?

WEI WUXIAN: What? When did I ever say that?

LAN WANGJI: Prior to being vampires. When we were humans.

WEI WUXIAN: Oh! I said a lot of things at that age. Hell, I said a lot of things yesterday.

LAN WANGJI: You have not attempted to change this in the 177 years we have been living together?

WEI WUXIAN: What like it's that easy? You may not know this about me, Lan Wangji, but I am a romantic.

[We have entered the kitchen. Wei Wuxian goes to the pantry and opens up a large bottle of ABSOLUT Vodka.]

WEI WUXIAN: I guess it's time for another night of this.

[He is about to leave the kitchen, until—]

LAN WANGJI: I will join you.

WEI WUXIAN: You're full of surprises today Lan Zhan!! Gotta try something new every day I guess!

[Lan Wangji does not respond. Wei Wuxian laughs and leads us up to his room.]

[CUT TO: int. Wei Wuxian's room, where he and Lan Wangji are sitting on the ground, the bottle of vodka between them]

WEI WUXIAN: And now you'll get to experience what drinking with a vampire is like. Which is just about the same as drinking anything else with a vampire! Unless we're drinking your blood. But you only get to experience that once, anyway.

[He has shot glasses lined up. Lan Wangji is looking at them with trepidation.]

WEI WUXIAN: All these modern ways of drinking are so fun. C'mon Lan Zhan, a shot of vodka ought to bolster your hunger. Or poison your throat.

LAN WANGJI: Do you not enjoy vodka?

WEI WUXIAN: If it made me drunk, I'd enjoy it. I'm still holding on hope. Hope out on this nasty drink that literally feels like it's draining out my brain chemicals. Cheers!

[They throw back their shots. Both wince. Wei Wuxian wipes his mouth.]

WEI WUXIAN: It would so be worth it if I got even like a little bit tipsy. What do you think, Lan Zhan? Any regrets yet?

[Lan Wangji falls face-first to the ground.]

[CUT TO: talking head]

LAN WANGJI: I had an extremely low alcohol tolerance when I was human. I think it has become lower now.

[CUT BACK TO: present. Wei Wuxian is attempting to lift and rouse Lan Wangji.]

WEI WUXIAN: Lan Zhan? Lan Zhan! Don't tell me... Did you—just like when we were kids, huh!!! I can't believe he actually got drunk! Without me! Lan Zhan!!!!!!

[There is a mumble.]

WEI WUXIAN: Lan Zhan?

LAN WANGJI: Do not leave.

WEI WUXIAN: Uh...okay?

LAN WANGJI: Do not find someone else to have sex with.

WEI WUXIAN: What? Sure, I mean—was I looking for someone to have sex with?

LAN WANGJI: Yes.

WEI WUXIAN: I think your tolerance is even lower than it used to be, Lan Zhan.

[Lan Wangji is looking at Wei Wuxian now. His hands are on Wei Wuxian's shoulders like he's using them to keep himself steady.]

LAN WANGJI: Wei Ying. We have been living together for almost 200 years.

WEI WUXIAN: Wait.

WEI WUXIAN: Wait wait what.

WEI WUXIAN: Did you just call me Wei Ying?

LAN WANGJI: I have been in love with you for all of them.

WEI WUXIAN: What?

[Lan Wangji passes out on his shoulder.]

[CUT TO: talking head]

WEN NING: They've been in love for as long as I've known them. I honestly thought they were already together when we met. Maybe Wei Wuxian was really into the slightly older boyfriend look and had turned him after Lan Wangji looked totally filled out as like, a man or something. I was always wondering why they were the same age but got turned at different times. It's funny, too, when Lan Wangji gets jealous at Wei Wuxian giving me attention, though. I noticed it sat back in the beginning but he still does, even now. I don't think Wei Wuxian notices it.

[CUT TO: talking head]

WEN QING: Yeah, like, it's obvious, right? Wei Wuxian always loves bothering him, Lan Wangji always seems extra mad at him for stuff he would not give a crap about if I did it. Honestly, I had no hope for them. I'd always assumed Lan Wangji at least would get the chance to find someone to sleep with in the meantime. I didn't realize they were both equally stupid.

[CUT TO: talking head]

NIE MINGJUE: I've known them a century more than the others and thought by the end of the first one they'd had confessed to each other by now. It's just sad at this point. All of us have been roommates for this long and they haven't even had a steamy enough moment to figure it out? I even managed to hook up with both of the Wens. You're on your own, kids.

---

[INT. foyer. 10:42PM. The front door opens. Wen Ning comes in, looking brighter and healthier than usual. There is a bit of dried blood on his jacket. He tosses it into the laundry room.

11:10PM. The front door opens again. Nie Mingjue comes in, his leather jacket slung over his shoulder. It, along with his footsteps, are slightly damp like he recently took a hose to them. He also looks glowing and healthier.

12:45. Wen Qing enters through the front door, trailed along by Luo Qingyang from the bar/next door. They whisper something to each other. They head for Wen Qing's room.

6:53. Luo Qingyang leaves Wen Qing's room, and then the house. She whispers "goodnight" to our staff and heads back to her house.]

[CUT TO: talking head]

WEN QING: Yeah, so I guess we're dating now? Like, we slept together, and Lan Wangji told us not to eat her so... I didn't. I'll be honest and tell you I thought about it. But I didn't. So now she's my girlfriend.

[CUT TO: present. 8:00AM. Wei Wuxian is wearing a pair of red glittery sunglasses—possibly Wen Qing's, or his own--and holding a mug that says, "Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee."]

WEI WUXIAN: There's coffee in it, too. To really sell it. Don't I look hungover? I haven't slept yet. I wish this stuff worked. Maybe Lan Zhan was right and I overdid it on everything when I was younger that now I'm just immune. Which, by the way, you guys heard that right? That he's in love with me? That I'm not hallucinating? Okay, good. It's been, like, a lot of hours, so I'm still not sure that it happened.

[Lan Wangji enters the kitchen then, looking unkempt. He pauses at the sight of us.]

WEI WUXIAN: You!!!!!! Lan Zhan!!!!! Why would you say that to me?????

LAN WANGJI:

WEI WUXIAN: You're greeting me this morning with an expression like this. Don't you remember??? When you got drunk last night??

LAN WANGJI:

WEI WUXIAN: You said you've been in love with me!! The whole time we've been living together!!!! And you never told me??? One hundred and seventy seven years and you didn't say a thing??

LAN WANGJI: Wei Wuxian, I am hungover.

WEI WUXIAN: Oh, don't you Wei Wuxian me! You called me Wei Ying last night! You can say you don't remember it all you want, but I heard you! Is that why you've been a virgin this whole time?? Because you're holding a torch for me? You can't do that, Lan Zhan!!!That's my thing!! I'm supposed to be the romantic here!!

LAN WANGJI:

WEI WUXIAN: You can't have been in love with me for two hundred years because I've been in love with you for two hundred years! Even before Xue Yang got us!! What's wrong with us? We have iPhones now, Lan Zhan! We can't have waited this long to figure this out!! It really shows how much I love you that I actually waited for you to wake up on your ow—

[Lan Wangji's hand is on our video camera now. We see nothing but his palm as we hear Wei Wuxian yelp, a very loud wet sound, and moaning. As per Lan Wangji's unspoken request, we turn the cameras off.]

[CUT TO:

12:45PM. Wen Ning trudges into the living room, waving hi at the cameras.]

WEN NING: They're still going at it.

[interviewer, off-camera: Hasn't it been four hours?]

WEN NING: Yeah.

[He turns on the TV and sits. Shortly after, his sister comes downstairs.]

WEN QING: I guess they finally got together.

WEN NING: They kept me up all morning.

WEN QING: They would've for me, except I got laid. Don't look at me like that, A-Ning, I've heard worse from you.

WEN NING: Who was it?

WEN QING: Luo Qingyang. You know, the neighbor girl?

WEN NING: What? Didn't Lan Wangji tell us not to eat her?

WEN QING: Yeah, but he didn't specify how.

WEN NING: What—a-jie!!!!

[There is a loud thump from upstairs, then an unmistakeable moan.]

WEN QING: They are having like an insane amount of sex up there. Like, it's actually inhumane.

WEN NING: That kinda makes sense, you know. Considering.

[still downstairs, we hear Nie Mingjue's voice from upstairs]

NIE MINGJUE: I know you guys are making up for two hundred years of blue balling each other, but can you at least keep it down for a bit? I'd like to get some sleep sometime today!!!

---

[INT. afternoon. The doorbell rings. Wen Ning answers it.]

WEN YUAN: Hi, shushu. Oh, the camera people are still here.

WEN NING: Yeah.

WEN YUAN: Are you okay? You look like you didn't get enough sleep.

WEN NING: Ah, it's alright—

[Wei Wuxian bursts out from Lan Wangji's bedroom, half-naked.]

WEI WUXIAN: A-Yuan!!! You're here!! Can you get us more lube? And maybe some silk detergent?? Lan Zhan's coffin is kind of a mess. Wait, you're old enough to know what sex is, right?

WEN YUAN: I know what sex is, shushu.

[CUT TO: talking head]

NIE MINGJUE: Those were the longest two weeks of my life. I've been alive for nearly three hundred years, you know. So that's really saying something.

thank you! first of all i will actually confess that the first fic i ever wanted to write for wx was actually an idolxian fanji au LOL (although more prominently it featured lwj as wwx's personal assistant :3) most notably i actually had this particular coda snippet as a wipweds last year: https://twitter.com/aroceu/status/1369719637412360192?s=21&t=pasMg9ML7qbRggokQgC4DQ
idk if I'll ever return to this fic but yes have it be known that I actually have thought at length about idolxian/fanji and all the fun lengths lwj would go to to let out his... fannishness, so to speak >:3 I shall try to post more thoughts about them in the future!

secondly, i recommend verseau's fudanshi lwj fic with idolxian (it is v funny even as a wip pls read it): https://archiveofourown.org/works/29158728