Have you ever missed somebody so much you feel a genuine physical hole in your chest? You feel a deep heavy weight in the middle of your sternum, it feels like a cat sitting on your chest and is pressing down on you? You feel so heavy physically inside that you just want to cry but you can't? You feel a bunch of emotions of turmoil and upset? Yes I miss him.

Not only do I miss him but I'm also very frustrated and angry. (Not at him) I'm angry that people think they have the right to talk about anything on his or my behalf, I'm angry that God forbid I miss someone because we made amend. I'm angry that people feel the need to want to control my emotions or gaslighting me into legitimately thinking someone who made amends and everything wouldn't actually care or was insincere. By saying that he wouldn't care about me and he's creeped out is essentially calling what he told me insincere, which I know he isn't.

I hate that not only do I miss him, but it's really infuriating the people think they have the right to tell me I don't deserve to. People think they have a voice in that matter. People think they have the right to tell someone they don't deserve to have an emotional attachment or connection to someone. I won't be able to speak for him and how he feels but I know personally I love him. I love him and I care about him. And fuck people who speak for him. Fuck people who tried to persuade a certain perspective or God forbid say anything about how Im "obsessive".

I hate how people have been pushing and pushing and trying to put into a corner almost forcing me into revealing the content of the conversation we had. I am so unbelievably PISSED I was made to feel guilty for missing and loving someone and then people treated it as if I don't deserve to. Emotions are human and telling someone they don't deserve to feel a certain emotion about somebody especially if they made amends and reconciled honestly can fuck right off.

Unless you're Doc, you don't speak for him. And I feel like if he was here he would say the goddamn same thing. I don't speak for how he feels about me but I speak for how I feel about him and how I appreciate how the conversation went. Even if I won't talk about how it went. I hate that people are trying to get me to disrespect the promise I made him as a gotcha. ITS ABUSIVE. OUTRIGHT FULL STOP. I personally can't imagine how upset he would be seeing the people are treating me this way for daring say the I MISS HIM AND HOPE HE'S HAPPY. Because imagine how entitled you have to be to someone's emotions or how someone should feel to think that someone is wrong for saying they love and miss someone and just want them to be happy and okay.

People should feel happy that people made amends. People should feel happy that someone wants somebody to be happy and okay. People should feel happy or mind their goddamn business.

You should stop speaking about someone who isn't here and speaking on their behalf. That's really wrong of you. I don't speak for how he feels about me, but I want to hold after our last conversation it's positive. And if it isn't? Let him say that to my face. Stop speaking for him.

You're not him. You know what you are? You're upset that we reconciled. You speak on his behalf because you can't stand the fact, YOU CAN'T COMPREHEND someone showed me a shred of empathy. A single shred of the ability to find the inability to come together and find a mutual understanding. Define the ability to just say "let's be cool"

HOW IS THAT SO GODDAMN HARD TO BELIEVE? THE ONLY REASON YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT IS BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO. YOU REFUSE TO. AND I'M NOT SHOWING THAT CONVERSATION AND I'M NOT REVEALING THAT AND I'M NOT BREAKING THAT PROMISE! THE FACT THAT I SAID I MADE AMENDS WITH HIM MADE YOU THROW A FREAKING HISSY FIT. LOOK YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR AND WONDER WHO THE REAL VILLAIN OF THE SITUATION IS?? It's not your place to say or speak on anything of his behalf. You need to stop. You need to just let things today where they are and you need to let people feel their emotions because I am personally grieving the fact that he isn't here especially after the reconciliation and amends. It's really hard knowing that things were patched up and all of a sudden he had to go away. But what makes it actually hard is the fact that people are also saying that he actually doesn't care about me and thinks of me as disgusting and creepy and weird. When that's not exactly what happened in the conversation at all. I'm so furious. I pray to God that I can get at least permission from him at some point to release a single part of the conversation to show that you guys are speaking on his behalf and saying something he wouldn't say.

Until that day comes? I'm just going to say that we reconciled. We made amends. I have the right to grieve and love him. I have the right to do nothing but wish him joy and happiness.

to the anon who sent this

I'm not mad at you I'm just very at an end of my rope with the situation and I absolutely had to get that off of my chest. I had a mental breakdown tonight because I was missing him and I then felt guilty for missing him because how dare I? When that's not how it should be. People should be allowed to grieve and miss someone that they care about.