I want to say "letting my numbness eat me alive" but that's not a wise answer. So, I give you another (probably) unwise answer instead. The way I cope is to not deny. To acknowledge all the feelings I actually feel inside. If I don't admit it to others, I can admit it to myself. I don't have to be obliged to be fine with things that definitely sadden me. Just acknowledge it. And I just don't force myself. The idea of trying hard (yang bener-bener maksa) to idealize what is acceptance, what is making peace with things, what is healing, time will heal, etc only can kill me inside. So, I don't idealize such things. I don't use unrealistic approach(es). Because unrealistic approach only feels like torturing myself. I even hate so-called wise advices and positivities that are so unrealistic sometimes, because it feels like lying to myself which is driving me insane and it doesn't make me even feel better. I hate how (toxic) positivity can be so stupid and destructive. So, well, maybe the least thing I can do is to admit to myself about what I feel. And stop lying to myself. Trying to count on myself only. To accept the fact that my heart 'ain't that big'. To accept that I don't have to be fine and wise all the time. To accept that such thing indeed makes me feel sad and I'm not completely fine with it. And actually, it doesn't have to be. As long as I don't harm anyone or disturb anyone's right, then it's okay, I think. I also acknowledge that how I feel is my own responsibility. I'm gonna be alright without following common (toxic) positivite standards. And I'm gonna keep counting on myself only. I may seek someone to talk to when I need to, but I do it selectively. Since not everyone is mindful of their words and not everyone comprehends well either in my opinion which could make things worse. Sometimes I get triggered and provoked easily so, well, that's the reason why I become so selective when it comes to talking to others.