Anonymous User 🔮 · 8mo
Kirby, this is a genuine concern, and I am saying this anonymously because if I did it in public I'd most likely get called transphobic, homophobic, because that's how the world is now. But genuinely, you gave up so much just to lock yourself in your own sphere of people and cannot respond. I know a person who you consider (or used to consider) a friend, a higher up in one of the servers you have or had moderator in, who has mentioned something to you similar to what I am going to say. You proceeded to get mad and completely disregard any concern and criticism coming your way.
What I want to say now is that you are 16. You have literally, from a biological standpoint, not fully developed into an adult, and you seemed to understand that, but the more I look at it the more it seems like that is simply not the case, at least not anymore. There is a reason why a lot of people who are "trans" are depressed, and it is not because they NEED to be the other gender to be happy. It generally derives from actual problems, and even that you tell yourself that you'd be happy if you were a female. If you genuinely think that all your problems will magically go away if you were a girl, you are just wrong. Also, after observing you, you've been having more and more mental problems the longer and more you've been thinking of yourself as a girl - your depression is also caused by that, by trying to be who you are not and who you will never truly be.
I know that, looking at most interactions, you simply will disregard completely what I am saying, but please, if you do actually want to improve, think about this more instead of sitting on your ass and making a victim out of yourself, since you are causing your own problems by what I stated earlier.
I don't really know who you are (or if you'll even see this) but.. yeah, you're kind of right. I need to get the fuck out of my own head.
Even while I was talking to them, I felt like I was saying or doing something wrong, at least subconsciously. As much as I really did/do feel like a lot of things would be better if I was a girl or something, I also felt like at the time I was in such an insecure place and so far up my own ass that I literally couldn't muster up the courage to argue against what I've wanted for so long. I wasn't sure what to say and honestly now that I think of it I want to apologize to them in the near future for how I lashed out. I could've handled that conversation significantly better, and this isn't something I can just blame my autism for, this is something that I did that was genuinely stupid and I've been reminiscing about that conversation for a while now.
As for what you said about making a victim out of myself, that's something I've really had to work on a lot. For some reason every time anything at all happens to me that's in any way negative or criticizes me, I have this unstoppable urge to either just curl up into a ball and overthink things or lash out and freak out over it. I can't stop myself from doing it but it's something that I seriously need to think about and work on, and trust me, I don't take that lightly. This is something I've started to recognize as I've become more and more aware of my own bullshit recently and I'm seriously going to start working on that.
I don't think all of my problems would go away if I became a girl (like trust me, that's not it at all), but.. it does sometimes feel like that'd be a massive help. For as long as I can remember I've hated my guts with every ounce of my being, but I was always able to shove that off with how proud I could sometimes be with some of the things I created instead of just focusing on myself. I'm not sure where I lost that charm, or if I'll ever get it back, but yeah, even I have to acknowledge that I fucked up somewhere along that path.
Frankly, I also do realize that at the end of the day that yeah, I'm only 16, so I do plan to hold off on a lot of things until I'm 18 or older, and I know very well I might want to go back on the decisions I've already made by that time, so.. yeah, I'm just gonna go at a snail's pace for now and think about this.
Even if my depressive disorders are actually clinically diagnosed and not just proneness to bad moods, I have to admit that my gender dysphoria and general lack of a positive self-image or self-awareness have made it so, so much worse. It's like a boiling hot soup of my own problems.
I guess as sort of a counterpoint I could argue that being trans has actually made things a bit better for me and my emotional mask is starting to break over time instead of being trans being the problem - which, yeah, IS technically true - but still, I feel like focusing so much on my identity rather than what I create is an inescapable urge that I've developed, a prison built with my own blood, sweat and tears.
Thank you for you concern, seriously.
If you want to DM me on Discord (you're still anonymous here dw dw), please please please PLEASE do. I'm genuinely extremely sorry for making you worried and I honestly wanna see what I can do better, both for myself and others.
Again anon I'm extremely sorry for making you worried. If you want to talk personally with me please don't hesitate. I don't care how much it hurts, please be honest with me.
Thanks,
K1
