oh anon first of all if that is the position you are in, I'm really sorry and I am sending you all the strength and love I can. for me it has been many years of struggling with my own brain, plenty of ups and downs along the way, but I do think that I have found a way to be happy in my daily life (even if I'm always reassessing and trying to make sure I'm still on the path that I want to be on). honestly I don't have much advice except KEEP GOING because even like five years ago I don't think I could have imagined how much happiness and peace I would have today.

for what it's worth, I think it can be very demoralising (for me at least) to picture a super idealised version of a life that you think will make you happy - these are often very manicured / aesthetic things that you are being "sold" by capitalism, big companies, social media, even other people like me who put the prettiest version of their lives online. but all of that is such a mirage that it can feel very unattainable and hopeless. instead focus on yourself and your actual day to day experiences - what are they things that bring you joy, and what are the things that don't, and what of that can you work on to change so that over time your life is filled with more joy and less tedium, stress, and anxiety? it's hard to hold on to a distant dream but if you can see the tiny things in your life that can make you happier, and keep track of your progress with the little things, that can feel more motivating.

there's a big overlap with mental illness as well, and idk if that is something you struggle with but it's definitely been a part of my own experience. and everyone's journey will be different, but I think recovery is hard work, but also needs to be supplemented by slowly trying to build a life that works for you. younger me was so caught up trying to chase this "dream life" that I was slowly killing myself for it, and while I worked on my actual mental illnesses with professionals, I also worked on taking myself out of environments that didn't serve me, filling my time with things that made me happy (and finding out what those things are!), and surrounding myself with people who uplift me. it was a slow process and definitely not linear but it was def that twofold approach of working on my internal stuff and also the external circumstances of my life.

I said I didn't have advice but I guess I did after all! KEEP GOING is definitely the strongest message, though. hold on to the small joys you do have, try to let go of the idealised version of your "dream life", and just work on the little things to keep shifting the balance of joy/not-joy in your life in the right direction. and then hopefully, one day you'll wake up, and be surprised by the fact that your life looks nothing like how you imagined it and yet you are filled with an ease and happiness that you never even thought possible. I love you and wish you the best <3