xrafstar answered i'm so sorry that this is long, i just have…

Nameless Grub · 12mo

i'm so sorry that this is long, i just have... so many feelings that i want you to know you've made me feel. warning to anyone reading this that there are major SW spoilers ahead.

i've had a hard time reading for years on account of adhd and general brain damaging mental illness but i just finished serious weakness in a day and i could write an entire essay about my feelings about it. i spewed on twitter and all over my bf's dms all this shit i need to go and condense into something edible but man. first of all, thank you for writing. not just this book, just in general. i've been a fan since wtwla and howling dogs, and i haven't been able to keep up with everything, but the moment i heard serious weakness was mlm i felt insane, because i'd been craving some kind of gay content that hit me in a spot i rarely feel like mlm content really does for me as a transboy. and then i read serious weakness expecting to get punched in the stomach, and i did. i knew it would, because you're one of the few writers that makes me feel things that make me feel seen.

but the fascinating thing about it wasn't in the way i expected. i thought, there was no way either of these two fucked up twinks are gonna make it out of this book alive because the world punishes outliers and weakness and these boys were so hurt and both so weak and autistic to hell and back.

but then, it didn't happen. i kept waiting for the shoe to drop and it didn't.
and then it exposed a huge flaw in my logic. that the thesis wasn’t about pain and punishment and tragedy. its not, i was just projecting that shit because that's what i believed about the world. no room for weakness. no room for softness. crush crush crush it down until there is nothing left of the little soul that resides in you. turn it into something hard, useful, strong, or terrifying. so no one does it to you ever again. or you die. or you cling to it, struggling, barely able to catch your breath.

and then i think that's when it hit me, that the world already punished them enough. just for existing. actually, first, i came to write a comment to you halfway through the book, and it was something about how much i loved insul and how pathetic and sorry and terrible he is, which he is, but i felt this need to justify my attachment because he is inexcusably a bad person. but that's the thing. i don't need to justify it. i don't need to perpetuate the violence. i don't need to add a disclaimer like: i do not condone his actions. the things that caused him to become a terrible person was the direct result of a violence against him. to condemn him for it, even if it's deserved, justified... no. the world already punished him. it's not my job to continue its work. "i don't have to make things line up."

and it's funny that at first i thought i related more to insul until i finished the book, had a big think about it, and realized i really am trianon. in the same way trianon found that evil, ugly thing inside him that was already there. it was like a mirror reflecting another mirror reflecting an image. i thought i was reflecting insul. but i wasn't. i'm horribly tiny and weak irl, and i felt the clinging pain trianon did, feeling so weak and helpless and small, wanting someone to take care of me, love me, even in such a brutal way. and i loved (read: felt insane) seeing insul become sad and pathetic and scared of trianon with the drill gun, even weaker than trianon. i didn't realize i was echoing his feelings so deeply because i was so engrossed in the puzzle that is insul. but the thing is. insul is simple. he is a hurt animal that lashes out because otherwise he's defenseless. it's trianon who's really the puzzle, with the ruin hidden under layers of pretty paint. small, weak, horrible, real. i just thought i wasn't like him because trianon clung more desperately to the idea of normalcy than me. insul felt like a knife of truth.

i'm sorry if this is wildly off mark and i'm projecting too much onto your work. it just hit the kind of dynamic i love in exactly the right spot, the right way. i felt like it reminded me that the world is fucked up & so are we, and the good thing is that we can be fucked up, hurt, messy creatures together. not alone. ❌

i've had a hard time reading for years on account of adhd and general brain damaging mental illness but i just finished serious weakness in a day...i knew it would, because you're one of the few writers that makes me feel things that make me feel seen.

Sounds like a crazy nice feeling, to be into an artist and then they come out with something you’re craving…like your favorite restaurant started serving <insert drug of choice> for dessert or something.
I wrote it because I love twisted m/m but couldn’t find enough shit that was hitting for me, glad it could help you too. When I read something and the characters are firmly Men or Women it can be alienating, as opposed to their gender being a container for wounds, inversions, animals, possessions, the whole spectrum.

but the fascinating thing about it wasn't in the way i expected. i thought, there was no way either of these two fucked up twinks are gonna make it out of this book alive...the world already punished him. it's not my job to continue its work. "i don't have to make things line up."

Yeah…making things line up only works out for the machine, the apparatus, humans never benefit, no matter how “innocent” they are. People can’t survive unless they receive things they don’t deserve. People incapable of working still need food. Without some kind of grace, something irrational and free, reality becomes ugly and colorless.
There were times I got things I didn’t deserve, at the lowest points of my life, but they got me to a place where I could become some kind of person. I just don’t believe you can create a human being by rewarding them if they're successful, and feeding them shit if they're broken. Otherwise the winners keep winning and the losers keep losing.
In Serious Weakness, it’s not an argument for people fucking themselves over with abusive relationships. It’s about two people who were already losing.

and it's funny that at first i thought i related more to insul until i finished the book, had a big think about it, and realized i really am trianon...it's trianon who's really the puzzle, with the ruin hidden under layers of pretty paint. small, weak, horrible, real. i just thought i wasn't like him because trianon clung more desperately to the idea of normalcy than me. insul felt like a knife of truth.

Yes. I kept Insul a cipher for a lot of the book because that’s how he is, a black box, and it creates tension to keep the most dangerous characters unpredictable. But underneath it, he’s direct, and Trianon was tangled into a knot, the way people can get if they’re very sensitive but they repress it for a long time, their incredible creative capacity used solely to imprison themselves. And like you say, Insul is the knife.
When I write something, it tends to have a dominant emotion that I explore. This may come as a shocking revelation, but Serious Weakness is about weakness, and the shadow of weakness, the dark mirror, what it means to be too strong or too weak, without equilibrium, without love. When one is very alone, people compensate in extreme ways, hardened or exposed.
It's also about being very horney, and weakness and strength are molecular components of horniness.

Yeah we’re just lil guys trying our best! Thank you for writing this juicy letter, it was so nice to read, and such a beautiful reward for making a thing, that you would think about the boys and all the feelings of it. ❌💜

Nameless Grub · 12mo

xrafstar · 11mo