[takedown chapter 14 spoilers]
i hadn't really envisioned it being like this either! originally i'd thought they'd be having sex for the first time when they were in a more settled and loving place, so i'm a little sad for them that their first time ended up being so like.. fraught lol. like, there was probably always gonna be some amount of physical pain involved bc takedown jungkook is kind of a pain slut, but it ended up being a lot more wound up in emotional pain than i might have expected. one of the things about jk in this fic is that he Needs to process his emotions right away, and he usually needs to process them in physical ways, whereas namjoon tends to kind of put things off and intellectualize them and want to talk them out. so a lot of that scene was driven by just... both of them needing emotional comfort and physical closeness but jungkook being in this place where he feels really ashamed and angry and wants to have those emotions validated or like, transformed by physical pain.

and re: the stuff i mentioned about putting novelty into my smut scenes, it's not so much that i feel obligated to do it for the readers and more something i have to do for myself to make the writing experience enjoyable! i really believe that my emotional state while i'm writing influences the end product, so if i'm bored while writing something i don't think it turns out as good as something that i feel really compelled by. and in this fic in particular, i kind of go with namjoon's id, hence all the weird horny fantasies he's had about jungkook! a big theme of it is like, him accepting some desires that he thinks are wrong or dark or immoral. so i definitely wouldn't rule out other kinda weird or off-putting stuff showing up when they have sex in the future, but i don't think all of it is going to be quite so... like that scene was! or i hope it won't at least! because at the end of the day they do really love each other and they deserve affection and gentleness as well as some mildly kinky shit 💕