unnamed letter · 8mo
Reading your response have put a light on some blank parts of my brain. I remember Siken's "Actually, you said Love, for you, is larger than the usual romantic love. It’s like a religion. It’s terrifying. No one will ever want to sleep with you." And Sappho's "In the crooks of your body, I find my religion." Though, again, i don't recall of ever reading a work precisely about romanticized relationships that causes mass destruction as the one of yours you mentioned.
Would you agree if i said anything can be translated as love when you're delusional enough? Love as violence. Love as burning forest. Love as biting and getting bitten. Love as religion. Love as possession. Love as cannibalism. Love as mirroring their behavior. Love as wanting to kill and wanting to be killed. Love as shivering winter of their absence. Love as hunger. Love as teeth. Love as letters written in blood. Love as "tell me the worst things you've done and let me love you because of it". Love as being the knife and the body it turns itself in. Love as tearing oneself to be made anew. Love as flesh. Love as sickness. Love as a prayer. Love as whatever you need it to be. Love as telling me i'm yours.
So is it safe to assume that you dream of becoming a lecturer? I think you would make a fine one. I would listen to your lecture continuously for my little to none knowledge in history. Maybe it could even be fun! Maybe?
Have you read Christabel, Eve? It is a long narrative ballad about lesbian vampire that comes a century before Carmilla. Further proving how so much of the narratives around the works of contemporary fiction of vampires has always been about being seen as monstrous others for their hunger and desires. Now, ask around how many of us queers can resonate of being seen as monstrous others by the society? The vampires as an allegory of reclaiming power and coming to terms with our needs and wants. Blood drinking as intimacy, as consumption. Alluring but forbidden. Fangs as weapons of defense. Similar things hold true for cannibalism as a metaphor for an all consuming love and the pinnacle of vulnerability and connection by becoming one. Decriminalisation desires is what becoming monsters affords us. Even many scholars of queer theory have unveiled how a fair amount of contemporary texts have manipulated gothic motifs and monstrosity themes to work through important social and cultural issues associated with queer experiences. I have written an essay about this one topic that i confess of enjoying and savoring the process too much for it to be considered an essay.
Compliments coming from you almost sounds like an insult, Eve! I'm too undeserving to have this conversation, even. But, let us move onto more important things; our media consumptions. Mine only circles around lesbianism because i cannot stand another world where men exist. I have read the works of most of the poets you have listed, though when you mentioned the writings from female lense being different with the ones from male poets, i'm curious what you meant by the worst?
Last but not least, Happy Eid Al-Fitr to you and your family, Eve! May God accept all our good deeds during this year's Ramadan. May He keeps your stomach full, your mind at ease, and your heart beats with love. May He grant liberation to the oppressed. And may He forgive me for this wearisome response and for tiring your eyes out!
Yes I do also have heard about these excerpts but a new information that I got the, "in the crooks of your body I found my religion." Was not actually Sappho's writing but it has been told on the internet especially Tumblr that it was hers? I found this post where her friend discussed about Greek poetry and Greek literature figure and that line was not found on her work. (Just sharing the info, you might want to know) I have not found the actual author of the said excerpts, I want to know it badly since it resonates a lot with me too. Would you believe that even though I haven't responded to this retro, I actually use some of your love metaphor that you tell me here as a prompt to my writing. I love the, "love as the shivering winter of their absence." The most though I have written something about it and mainly because to me love as toxic as it can be means codependency, means not finding liberty by the absence of the other and particularly cannot found anything good in winter yet, and that is what codependency is, right? The only thing good about the world is your lover and you cannot see anything else, which is terrifying, but then that is the beauty of it. So, thank you for actually writing me these metaphors that I could use as a prompt or just something to keep me going because you speak exactly like me and I am more than glad to talk to you.
Also yes, I have not been reading any kinds of queer retelling of some literature but I do tend to analyze some queer subtext in the media I consume but never the victorian or such. I only have been reading feminist retelling of some Greek Mythology since I am very much drawn to Greek Pantheon. And yes, your take was also very insightful. I, as a queer, when I was suffering from religious guilt thought that I was a monster, too. I also wanted to actually add this catchphrase that also resonate with your queer retelling essay of vampire, "be gay and do crime." As a form of acceptance. I will surely look more into this queer retelling stuff, thank you for telling me.
Uh, in by that, I mean that I cannot resonate with most of Slyvia Plath works especially The Bell Jar and I find more comfort in reading Oscar Wilde and so on and so on... Not telling that men are better though. But then, I am embarrassed to say that I have been reading male Romanticism poets and not the women. The women I read are just recently, though.
Yes, I dream of becoming a researcher and a lecturer but I do not know if I ever achieve them. I am just trying to do my best here! Hopefully I can become a lecturer in the near future.
I know it is already July. Happy Eid Mubarak for you too. I do not know if you ever showed up again but thank you for talking to me. I do feel like you were the other half of my soul, your words speaks to me like no other beings did.
I hope if you ever read this response, you are well anon. Thank you. I hope I actually can get to meet you someday.
