Vague question deserves an uncomfortable answer about noncon kink.

One of my reliable turnons is the idea of torturing someone until they're terrified of me. This desire is extremely dissonant with my sense of self.

When desires like that emerged during puberty, it made my teen years miserable from self-hate. It took a long time to get to where I am now, where these desires are just oddities in the museum of me.

I'm fine with sectioning that kink off as "weirdly horny fantasy", but (somewhat surprising to me) there are people who want to be on the receiving side of that. And it looks like it's often difficult for them to satisfy their desire in a sensible way. There are more bottoms than tops, etc.

So... sometimes I think about what it would take for me to do that kink, sensibly. I know there are doms/tops who set up scenes like that, but "setting up a scene" is far from my turn-ons, maybe even a turn-off. I'm not very motivated to make it happen. Keeping it just fantasy is easy, and there are other, less complicated kinks I can explore more easily with others.

I sometimes think my ideal life might be a job as someone's pet torturer. I don't have to judge the reasons a victim is being tortured, and I don't have to care what happens after I break them. Maybe there's some alternate world where a younger me ended up cruising comfortably into that life, but I don't see any way to get there from where I am now, from my current sense of who I am and what I think is right.

So, if someone wants me to be their pet torturer, they'll have to kidnap me and do some crude brain surgery. And then we'll live happily ever after, I guess?