god i have SO. MANY. THOUGHTS. too many to fit in my small little noggin. i think about how chn puts up his weird brother-zoning thing to distance himself from his own feelings for flx and then turns around and calls flx beautiful and sexy and his soulmate in the same breath. i think about chan being lonely and homesick at jyp and one day meeting a boy who’s like salt and ocean air on his skin and who feels like coming home and like a punch in the gut all at once. i think about how chan can keep everything perfectly in order and can control everything about himself except for his feelings for felix, and that scares the shit out of him. i think about how chan is selfish for nothing and nobody in this world except for felix, and that’s wrong and bad and not allowed and goes against everything chan is supposed to be and the guilt feels like a living thing dogging his heels, and yet still he Wants. so instead he denies it and hides it behind platitudes and excessive “bro”-calling and hopes to god that felix doesn’t notice (but of course he does).
i think about how chan is mixed signals king of the CENTURY and how felix is torn between asking for more—demanding what he knows he deserves—and being terrified of what it means if he wants more, what it means if he’s not satisfied with everything chan has done for him, given to him, sacrificed for him—and if he’s a bad person for needing more. and he’s scared that if he asks, chan might pull away and become more distant, and that maybe felix can be happy with taking whatever scraps he can get—maybe he can be content to let chan talk about him like he’s his entire world and say that he wants to live together when they grow up and say poetic hopelessly romantic shit about him and call him his brother in the next breath—and felix can pretend it doesn’t rip him apart inside. but most of all, felix is scared that if he asks for more, he might get it. that’s the most terrifying part of all.
honestly i could talk about them for hours, but if i start to think about them too much my brain starts to rattle in my skull like a pea in a tin can. thank you for letting me be a silly goofy chanlixer for several hundred words 🩷