bothhh? yeah, both. i dont know, i feel like theres a lot i have to say about this but its very scattered and hard to formulate.

like, okay. i think my art has improved a lot because there was some wind in my sails. this was more so relevant in the early days (tumblr). id spent 10 years prior to that as a very small artist spending a lot of time in circles where i felt like i was drawing for attention or to fit in. pretending to be someone i wasnt, i guess? tony & dean was where i decided no more, im going to draw what i like, and it was really, really cool to have people care about my characters in particular. thats still the coolest part and the thing that keeps me drawing the hardest, most days. it encouraged me to draw and pursue things i liked and thought were neat. i wanted to draw more than ever before and was excited to think about and write for my characters. it pushed me a lot to want to get better at art, and so i practiced and studied. my art has come a long way, like holy shit, im miles from where i was all those years ago. so yeah! that was beneficial to me as an artist. not a necessary thing, i could have improved my art and voice without it, but it definitely helped shape who i am as an artist today.

the following was also great for building up my commissions, which went a long way in supporting me, especially through college. im never going to pretend like a larger audience doesnt = a higher chance of making money online. it absolutely does. maybe not as much as people think it makes, but yknow.

on the other hand, my main account stresses me out. like, a lot. that might have more to do with the fact that this is twitter, and maybe if it were any other website i would feel differently. but this is twitter. it feels like theres a spring loaded trap ready to go off and everyone will point like, 'i knew you were a bad person, oh, death! death for 100 years! meritless!'. i didnt feel this way on tumblr, but i guess my following was only like, 1/3rd of whats on my main now. i feel like there was a different vibe there, too..i dont know what it was, it felt different though.

i get the same feeling opening main and interacting on there that i would if i was delivering a speech to a huge theater of people. i feel like i try to become as invisible as possible by removing any form of my personality. i feel like a brick wall. hi, i have social anxiety.

part of my experience at TFF was standing in various crowded rooms and thinking "i bet theres people in here that hate me and ive never even met them." thats a weird thought to have! twitter has done weird things to my brain. when i was younger i definitely had social anxiety, but i dont think it was as bad as ive got it now.

another part of "the stage" of posting on main is the feeling like it can only be polished work. i cant post wips, or my unfinished projects, or my B tier art, or anything that might be boring, and it has to look good in the media feed, and i certainly cant miss the good posting hour for ultimate engagement, because my arts on performance and if its going to perform by damn its going to perform well.

so i get mentally and emotionally fed up with it and just...decide i dont feel like posting there. i cant be bothered to want to upload art or talk about anything im drawing or writing. i realize a lot of these are made up problems, i think thats where the perfectionism in me starts to make me dysfunctional again. but i also think this is all amplified by how weird it feels to be on twitter. like as a society, i think the internet as a concept does weird things to us. thats a whole other essay though, brother. this ones long enough.

so there you have it. its decidedly, both.