to answer this assuming you've read my 'backstory' of the past few months: i think 'life' has finally made it indisputably clear for me that i'm not made to have or enjoy it to begin with, dear anon. and i think that's fine. i can't be 'normal' in too many ways. i can't try changing my weird self without appearing fake. and i can't have intimate long-term connections that don't eventually rip me apart (usually with one-sided decisions which don't allow for any second chances).

close human relationships have been my biggest life challenge since forever. and while continuously fighting against life's challenges is considered a virtue - because 'persistence' - i think there's a fine line between 'persistence' and 'stubbornness'. at this point, trying to tackle my challenge is just being idiotically stubborn on my part. because it's just not what i can achieve, regardless of my inherent wish for a deep 'special' connection. i'm old and damaged enough to finally accept the point my life's been trying to make for decades.

that point being: my existence should just keep revolving around consuming art in different forms, discussing it with like-minded people at times, and spewing out some silly writing in the process. it's always been like that and it should stay that way. trying to build and sustain intimate, 'specia', real-life bonds has never done me any good and probably even brought confusion or disappointment to other people, due to the abnormal way i am. there's no point in knocking on the door that won't ever open and disturbing those on the other side.

tl;dr and "omg, what the hell's she talking about?? i just asked how she's doing, wtf...": my life's been treating me like the luckless garbage i am and i feel burnt beyond repair after getting too close to the feel-good and alluring fire. but i have my books, anime, and vn games. and fiction. i can afford taking days off this week to read a good lengthy novel while drinking a smoothie and petting my dumbass cat - all because i no longer need to save days off for a proper vacation, which i would've so craved to spend traveling with a certain dear person. i can love characters without fearing that i'll directly hurt them with the broken way i am - or that i'll get hurt myself. i hope i'll survive this way, somehow.

really sorry for the loaded answer, anon, but that's how things have been, i guess - very-very 'loaded'. and thank you for the interest. i sincerely hope that your life has and will be treating you well 🍀