..tough question, anon. i realize i've been giving off the vibes of someone who definitely does but outright agreeing with the idea feels somehow wrong? it's weird..

perhaps the reason for the weirdness is that since long ago, i was veeery much against the fate or 'meant/not meant to be' concept. especially in terms of people. i was very moved by all the portrayals of misunderstandings in fiction, so every time i had a falling out with someone, i'd think "it must be one of those exasperating 'if only they talked more-' situations. we aren't 'destined to part', it's just a trial. i need to do something!". and then i'd go reach out/apologize/try talking things through etc... but honestly, it never worked in the end. i just prolonged things a little. :'>

my latest encounter felt like the kind of a blessing fate in all senses. but the blessing still ended in me being not enough. not "can you work on--" or "i'd love things to be more--" but simply me not having to offer what they need at the moment. i'll leave out the specifics (i regret sharing too much as is..) and i still wish the person all the best in the world. but this situation was and is too tough for me. i don't know how to change myself to be genuine and enough for the people i love. i don't know why and how to stay in their lives in any capacity after i unwillingly ended up being the reason for their hurt & darkness. i don't know if any of my attempts to adapt make any sense at all because i'm a just an all-round 'meh' person.

so, it's either accepting that i'm some sort of a monster or that there's some invisible force that has long decided that intimate relationships shouldn't be a part of my life. and in this dilemma, i think choice #2 can be seen as a weird coping mechanism (even if, perhaps, it's choice #1 that is the objective truth of the world). it's not even 'fate' but.. me trying to assemble the pieces of evidence i have? and the idea that i'm not made for human relationships and that the universe is steering me into a loner route is at least some sort comfort in all the discomfort i experience now.