thank you koalanon!!! i don't like talking about this (which you aren't forcing me to, don't worry), but i've mentioned it briefly in the past -- just to put everyone's mind at ease, i'm not like....in immediately danger of dying or anything, i just have a persistently annoying health problem that sounds bad but it's not AS bad as it could be.

the short form version is i had an ovary removed some odd years ago because basically both a big cyst and a tumor kind of........ate the whole thing. the tumor was malignant and my other ovary is kind of a mini me version of that one, with some cysts and a mass growing on the side of it. torsion happens and it feels absolutely awful for a few days, and the mass doesn't really help matters. it isn't super big and i'm on a regimen that means it all stays small and hasn't grown much, which is the ideal scenario. if it shows signs of growing or there's signs of spreading (i have to go to regular appointments for hormone therapy + ultrasounds) then they have to take this one too, which....is not ideal.

i could probably push and get it removed now if i really got annoying about it but having both ovaries removed in your 20s-30s greatly increases dementia and related symptom risk which i already have a familial pre-disposition for. also i'd have to go on estrogen until i was at a standard menopause age and if for whatever reason i can't afford it / access it, that also increases risk factors for shit....so it's like. the little shit in there can just stay until it gets worse.

it's WAY less painful than the other one i put up with at a grapefruit size for like two years which like CONSTANTLY was pulling bullshit (that's another story lmao), but that one was like a twice a month thing so maybe i've just grown soft....this one doesn't feel bad nearly as often, but when it does i want to die; i can't sit certain ways, my muscles spasm, women online say they'd rather go through childbirth again than deal with ovary/cyst torsion if that's any indication.

so that's the little spiel; it's hard to navigate it in a way that's bite-sized because it feels clickbait to call it a cancer thing even if it is, and that's super loaded (which is why i don't like talking about it, since it's like....i don't want sympathy or pity or some kind of stolen medical valor when i'm fine more often than not). it's 99% of the time it's something i barely think about and the other 1% of the time it's just annoyingly painful / psychologically stressful / i'm at a hospital taking up time in my day dealing with some shot or something. nothing crazy, nothing outrageous, just. a thing to live with. tl;dr i'm gonna be fine, it just gets stupid painful from time to time and i have to take a couple days to let that seep out of my brain.

i likely won't talk about this again since i don't like drawing attention to it BUT that's the explanation for all concerned / worried, and thank you for that! but i swear it's really nbd on 350 of the 365 days of the year, tops

i def think that rik has gotten more receptive to physical touch now that he's a in a more comfortable environment! i imagine being in stressful situations like living as a trainee, boys planet, etc., if you aren't a person receptive to physical affection to begin with, having that be something tossed on you could be more stressful than reassuring. now that he's debuted, you can very obviously see rik being more receptive to all forms of affection, and you also see him initiating it from time to time. rik is a "yes, and" person at heart, and when members get touchy with him i believe he's fully capable of returning the favor.

you're sooo right that it's cute that while rik can lean into the stoicism, he's also an impulsive, excitable baby cat......and so when the craving for the initiation of touch hits, it would be hard for him to reign it in. i think there's this internal thought process he has that even if HE isn't such a big fan of physical touch, gyub is and so gyub being touchy with him = gyub showing how much he loves him = he wants gyub to show him he loves him. that craving for validation in the moment would be easily given if he initiated the physical touch himself, which makes sense since rik is introverted in vocal expression of desire. so this dancing around wanting that expression of love in the moment, knowing how to get it easily, but also it being a way that can't be shown in certain settings and contexts....chef kiss.

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