ANON I PROMISE I WAS GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THIS BUT I LOST FOCUS AND HAD A CONSENSUAL WORKPLACE RELATIONSHIP!!! (jkjk i'm still aroace and happily single)

here is a wip. idk if i'll finish it because i just sort of lost the plot but. you can see where i was going with this.

jade/riddle + floyd/riddle, rated M/E because the full pr0n was for later

This is, objectively, a terrible idea.

Riddle knows better. This isn’t like him at all. He’s loyal. He made a promise.

“A promise to my brother,” Jade purrs, fingers insistent against Riddle’s hips, breath hot from the alcohol. “That’s as good as no promise at all.”

There’s a ring on Riddle’s finger that says otherwise. A condo that they brought together. Riddle was there when Floyd bafflingly signed the deed, Property of Floyd Leech written on the paperwork when they received their copy in the mail. He roiled against Floyd wasting his money, to which Floyd said it was never a waste.

Floyd wheedled him into a bout of wall sex, uncaring of all the dust they needed to clean. Riddle nearly ripped out his hair for doing things in the wrong order, but his protests trailed off into reedy moans. He groaned and he moaned until he came, putty in Floyd’s hands, less and less resistant to his charms as the years go on.

“I don’t even like you,” Riddle mutters, gaze canted off to the side so he doesn’t have to look at Jade. He knows he should knee the stupid eel in the crotch, strike him down like he struck his brother down so many times, yet Floyd had never given up. Dopey and bloody-nosed, he trailed Riddle like a puppy until he’d worn him down enough for Riddle to agree to a date.

One date.

…Alas, so many years later, here they are. Happily married for four years, or so Floyd told everyone, beaming like a little boy whenever he swept Riddle into his arms. Riddle took no issue with the statement. He thought they were about as happy as they could be, all things considered.

Floyd was still weird and a menace, but a rich and powerful menace, and Riddle had learned to appreciate his oddities to the point that he accepted Floyd’s proposal. That meant something.

Jade, on the other hand, Riddle had always respected. He was inscrutable but polite for the most part, too smart for his own good. He hadn’t been wary of Jade in the way he’d been wary of Floyd before this very moment, when he feels like ice has been poured down his shirt.

The problem is, Riddle knows this isn’t about him. This is about Floyd. He doesn’t know what stupid stunt Jade is trying to pull in the effort to piss his brother off, but Riddle won’t stand for it. “Let go of me,” he says at long last, brushing Jade’s hands off of him with a harrumph.

Jade pulls back ever so slightly, but he doesn’t move out of Riddle’s line of vision, nor out of his personal space. “Floyd, you see, he behaves for you. He acts so very…human,” Jade comments, angling himself so that he’s blocking the doorway, preventing Riddle from escaping wholesale. “It’s cute and all, but sometimes I need a bit of a challenge.”

Riddle furrows his brow, scowling. “I don’t care about your baffling sibling rivalry.”

“Rivalry,” Jade hums, putting his glass down so he whisper his fingers against Riddle’s wrist, his touch far more sensuous this time. “That’s a sweet term for it. Quaint. Come now. I know your grievances with my brother are numerous. You can pretend I’m him if you like. Tell me.”

Jade is shorter than Floyd, for a start—already, this is a problem for Riddle’s very low imaginative skills. Still, there’s something to be said for the liquor in his veins and his exhaustion that finds the whole situation laughable rather than absolutely ridiculous.

Floyd would be home soon. Surely, Jade wouldn’t let things go too far if Riddle’s spouse was home. Floyd have a hissy fit.

Riddle plays along, cheeks red. “You’re messy. You never fold your laundry when I ask you to, nor do you put your shoes away on the rack. When we last met my mother, you misbehaved so terribly you nearly got us thrown out of the restaurant, then attempted to make it up to me by fucking me in the car.”

Jade giggles, but doesn’t break character, letting out a soft, unapologetic, oh yeah? It’s drawled just the same way Floyd would drawl it, of course; they had spent most of their lives together. His mimicry is phenomenal.

Now that he’s gotten started, it’s easier for Riddle to lean into it. He closes his eyes. Like this, the long fingers groping his ass, teasing at him, are just the same. He’s softened up with marriage in more ways than one, but Floyd lauds his praises for the efforts. Says my little goldfishie needs to learn to take care of himself, and that means eatin’ whatever ya want, whenever ya want.

Riddle’s litany of complaints builds and builds until it reaches a plateau and he runs out of steam. At this point, Floyd would usually be sticking his tongue down Riddle’s throat; he aches for the change in tempo. He tugs on Jade’s hair, guiding him to his mouth.

Jade is all too polite about it. It’s ruining the illusion, but they’ve gone too far to stop now. When Jade moves to open Riddle’s trousers, they both pause, hearing the keys jingle from a distance. Floyd steps inside and Riddle opens his mouth to expel a fervent apology, but he just stares at the two of them flush against each other in the kitchen, guilty.

Floyd doesn’t seem particularly surprised to see them. He doesn’t glare or shout or anything. Riddle is, maybe, a little disappointed. “Ya got here early,” Floyd says, dropping his bag on the floor, uncaring of Riddle’s rule about hanging it up in the coat closet.

“I couldn’t wait,” Jade purrs, pawing at Riddle’s undergarments. Riddle is embarrassed and flushed, yelling nonsense at the top of his lungs until Floyd dips closer, sticking two fingers in Riddle’s mouth.

Riddle bites down ferociously, hard enough to leave harsh marks. Floyd practically purrs, pressing lightly against the pad of Riddle’s mouth, teasing his tongue until Riddle loosens back up, releasing him with a drooling pout.

Floyd is hardly affected by Riddle’s bite, mer biology healing him in an instant. “What’s the matter with you?” Riddle asks, furious tears gathering on his lashes. “I thought you loved me?”

“I do,” Floyd concedes easily, watching his brother undress his husband with his eyes half-lidded, positively focused on the scene.

“Then why—”

“Don’t get me wrong,” Floyd says, lackadaisical tone drifting into something more baritone, something darker. Despite that, he has a cheery smile on his face. “I’m pissed.”

Riddle means to ask him to explain himself, to go on, but Jade dives back in. He kisses Riddle for a moment before sweeping Riddle into his arms, carrying him upstairs to his and Floyd’s bedroom despite Riddle’s protests. Jade is unfazed, uncaring Floyd’s back on him, his right eye glowing in the dark.

Jade lowers him to the bed carefully, exhibiting far more restraint than his brother. He puts his weight down on Riddle, all too aware that without his magical pen in hand, he’s only human, and slowed more by the alcohol in his veins.

“I simply wanted to prove I could outdo him, you see,” Jade declares, rifling through the drawers for lube and a condom. Floyd rarely bothered with either tool, vastly preferring to open Riddle up with his tongue and fingers, but he supposes this is the right thing to do. The normal thing. Idly, Riddle hopes the condoms aren’t expired.

“You two couldn’t have settled this any other way?” Riddle asks, flustered, shuddering as Jade undresses him ever so slowly.

“This is a once in a lifetime experience,” Jade says, leaning down to dip his long tongue into Riddle’s navel. “If I don’t please you, Floyd will have my head.”

“…And if you do?” Riddle mumbles, following his train of thought.

Floyd growls. “He won’t.”

“Perhaps I’ll teach him a thing or two,” Jade whispers. “You never know.”