note: just a little drabble thing? shrugs...

//

"Were you aware that you have perfect pitch?" Ivan says, in Till's voice.

Till, in Ivan's body, shudders. It's disorienting. Even the act of shuddering feels wrong; the movement feels wider, bogged down with more muscle and mass than he's ever had in his entire life. Ivan's expressions on his own face are making him nauseous. "Stop that," Till snaps.

"Stop what?"

"Smiling like that. You look... you look like a baby criminal."

"It's your body," Ivan reminds him. "Can you hum a C3? I definitely can't from memory."

C3? Till tries it. Something about his innate sense is--shit. God. Everything sucks. His voice is so low, what the hell. Whatever sound comes out of his mouth isn't a C3. Ivan laughs.

"Shut up," Till hisses. "Stop laughing."

"I asked for a C3," Ivan says. "You gave me a B4."

"Okay, thank you, Mozart."

"I like your body," Ivan says. "It fits me quite well. And your chest--"

"Stop groping me," Till yells.

"Never," Ivan breathes. "I have to seize the day. Carpe diem. You can grope me, if you'd like. I'm sure we have differences in our body that you would like to explore."

Till, resolutely, does not think about Ivan's penis.

"My pants are yours to unzip as you please," Ivan says, magnanimously.

"I hate you," Till chokes out.

i won't lie the concept of this is so funny if only because i think it would start out with mutual airing out of grievances, which then quickly transforms to till just listening to hyuna and thinking in his head, okay at least ivan's not THAT bad. okay at least ivan's not THAT bad. okay at least ivan's not THAT bad. okay at l-- repeat ad infinitum until till is actually feeling worried and says so and hyuna goes HAHAHA! hah... hahaaa... (head in hands)

ivan comes to pick till up from the hangout and they kiss on their way out. meanwhile luka has been messaging hyuna every 45 seconds and hyuna is considering fleeing the country but knows that luka would be in the neighboring seat. so she just gives up and goes home because she does like him at the end of the day. unfortunately. the end LOL

the latest alnst friday comic was definitely fascinating to me because i thought that vivimeng really put so much thought into conveying the idea of how "love," that didn't necessarily stay for long or be affirmed between two parties, can still seep into someone and shape how they see themselves and interact with others. one of my favorite lyrics from cure, to this effect, was 너로 물들여 / 네게 물들게 (aka "let me drown in you, i'll drown in you" in till's and ivan's verses respectively) because thematically it felt resonant with one of the final lines in the comic, which was "...그리고 그 흔적은 끝까지 산물을 외로운 소년으로 내버려두지 않았음을."

for cure, it's more an all-consuming love that you want to overpower you so that everything else seems less scary, but it's still the core idea of wanting a love that leaves those traces in you, a love that leaves you changed. i thought this idea was beautifully echoed in the till&io comic, because it's just conveying that idea that love (those traces of io's love in till that he might not actively remember, but still carries with him) didn't leave him ever feeling lonely. it's the idea that love can change you, protect you, seep its colors into you, even when you can't recognize it or consciously remember it because it happened so long ago.

those lines from cure are some of my favorites from that entire song because i like to think that it's also quite representative of the ivantill relationship in canon, where they never really professed their love for each other (ivan more than till, obvs) in words, but the way they interacted with each other, built a relationship of trust and camaraderie with each other, comforted each other--all that was in its own way a form of "love" even if they never knew to call it that. i'm not quite sure if i'm making sense, but i think the comic with io really put into perspective how the existence of love (and the time he spent basking in io's warmth and love in turn) allowed him to grow confident in his abilities, express himself honestly, and never really act in the self sacrificial way that the other candidates did. he wasn't lonely, because he was loved--and that's not something that he had to remember in order to feel it.

on the sadder aspect of io's impact on till, i definitely think there's an element of how that abrupt (and traumatic) separation blocked out his ability to entrust his emotions fully to another person. as you said, it's interesting to think about in context to the meteor scene and how he interacts with mizi, because happiness isn't something he seems to actively chase as opposed to watching it from afar, maybe because he's afraid of the vulnerability and emptiness he might feel when it's taken from him again. the meteor scene is one of the few scenes where we see him so unabashedly happy. of course mizi seems to be one of the reasons he turns back, but i have to wonder if there was a fear in his head that were he to leave and chase that freedom and happiness with ivan, it would just crumble and leave him in an even worse state before--and that's why he chooses to return to the cage he knows, because at least the type of pain and emptiness he faces there is something he's already familiar with. idk it's very interesting...

there's also his relationship with mizi to factor in as well for sure. i have the opinion that till did love mizi, but his love for her was largely out of convenience and his own ego and from his perspective as an artist, which is why he never really seems to be bothered by her love for sua. he never expected or wanted it reciprocated in the first place. the patreon mentioned something to the effect of how she caught his eye because she's the only one who could keep up with his genius, which is admittedly a very cute reason, but it also gave me the impression that till loves mizi because she's easy to love. she's bright, pretty, happy, and loving her would largely be an uncomplicated affair that he doesn't have to invest in too much emotionally (compared to, say, loving someone like ivan, who is much more... gestures). i'm not denying that he has a crush and a love for mizi and that she was his beacon and hope at the end of the day, of course, but i do think that from how he sees her, how he interacts with her, how he remembers her in his head--all of those reasons paint a picture of her role almost as a muse? to inspire him and allow him to live without much investment or sacrifice or vulnerability on his part. idk. i'm very much rambling and being long-winded and obvs these are just my opinions, but i guess those are my thoughts? if you've read this far thank you for reading haha

tl;dr io's presence and her love and warmth seeped into till that encouraged him to become someone who never really felt lonely, because being raised by love allowed him to connect with those around him in an honest and unfiltered way, even if he doesn't necessarily remember her or being loved by her. on the other hand, the way they separated so traumatically is something that i think might have impacted him negatively in his hesitation to chase after his own happiness, until it was too late. (final disclaimer that these are just my opinions and how i'm reading the disclaimer, do not send shit after me for this, but i'm open to reading other interpretations and thoughts as well xoxo)

hmmm this is just my opinion but i think that in canonverse, ivan and till wouldn't really find sex as something that they'd actively try to "reclaim"; as it is, both of their experiences with sex are probably irrevocably marked by trauma and violence, and i can't really imagine that reclaiming it and trying to rewrite those memories based off a movie of how sex is supposed to be would be enough to get them (much less till) to make that effort. it's just my opinion that in canonverse at least, sex for the both of them would become something of an unhealthy coping mechanism, a way for them to feel "connected" with another human being that they trust, or something that they fumble into by accident with a lot of fear and trepidation.

i'd love to write canonverse ivantill smut but tbh i can really only ever manage shorter fics for ivantill (in a sort of "missing scenes" esque type plot) in canonverse because the amount of character work to make that plot work with the type of accurate characterization i want would be insanely hard? if that makes sense. i definitely have a few longer ideas for canonverse ivantill, especially if they both lived and made it out of alnst, but i'm not really sure when that would be written since, needless to say, it would be extremely taxing emotionally and mentally to write haha. it's definitely something i'm thinking about and trying to figure out in my head before i try tackling it on the document. thank you for the ask!

not an annoying question at all esp considering how kindly you phrased it! the short answer is that i don't know if i'll finish it. long answer is, i never consider any of my fics discontinued because i do want to finish every wip i have (posted at least), but the hp au was always something i struggled with because to me the best ending for that fic would be a happy ending. the issue is writing a happy ending that i felt would resolve all of the character arcs in a neat way to my satisfaction, and i think i'm still not a skilled enough writer to end the story the way i want to. it's on pause until i can figure it out or get sick of the unfinished status that i bite the bullet and finish it anyway, whichever one comes first. thank you for enjoying that fic and my other works!! it means a lot <3

i think the freakiest i could write till (without delving into nsfw (which gives me poison damage to write and also only happens once in a rare moon when i'm possessed by an ancestral spirit or something)) was himedere till seen here

but for freaky tills that match ivan's freak (because i don't know if he can outfreak ivan that's kind of a tall order) i recommend most if not all of ash quillifer's catalogue here. specific fics i would recommend are:

1) at what point do you stop calling it a crisis and start calling it a kink? -- till thinks about ivan's hair and attains something of an oral fixation
2) accidents happen...but maybe not that many times -- pee ft ivan being a freak but till is weirdly into it so i think that counts
3) what's another bad decision or two? -- exes to lovers ivantill where till can't stop thinking about sex with ivan because everyone else is mediocre and deeply vanilla and therefore disappointing

those are my top picks!! but other selections include (not hyperlinked bc it's a hassle to do it everytime):
https://archiveofourown.org/works/57263413
https://archiveofourown.org/works/58389178
https://archiveofourown.org/works/57654796
https://archiveofourown.org/works/59326204
https://archiveofourown.org/works/56984110
https://archiveofourown.org/works/57373288
https://archiveofourown.org/works/56695150
https://archiveofourown.org/works/55701277
https://archiveofourown.org/works/59423026
https://archiveofourown.org/works/60417700

hope that fills you up anon (salutes)