Want to feel okay. I feel like I don't deserve to feel okay. I'm such a coward. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. don't think I'll ever be happy. I feel like I can't say I want to kill myself. Like of course I shouldn't want that. too scared to anyway. but. I don't know. Want to dissappear. Feel like everyone knows better than me. I feel like a waste of space. Nothing of worth. It's all bullshit. wish my head would shut up. wish I didn't yearn. desire. want. just dumping this all onto you bc I'm too scared to talk to anybody. To be perceived. To be boxed. Judged. Called a basterd. Pathetic. Confusing. I can't stand being here. I just want to feel like I can be okay. always such a stress to do things. I don't want to wake up. want to never leave my bed. not a good thing to want that. is it normal to always feel like a child? I feel disgusting. Selfish in all the worst ways. A liar. What mask should I put on today. I use people. worth nothing to me if you can't make me feel better/benefit me right? I'm disgusting. conversation feels like a waste of time. but it's lovely when it isn't. I could be doing other things. Like sobbing into my pillow. staring at Twitter for an hour. Sleeping. Escaping into a narrative. My time is always the most important! Nobody else can fit! But then I'm all "I'm so lonely ; - ;" no shit you fucking idiot you scare yourself out of talking to everyone. Why do I attach myself to people so easily when I'm too scared to talk to them. I wish I didn't desire connection. I wish that I could be internally happy. I got the disease that feeds on external validation. I'm good right? I'm good right? I'm doing this right? ...I don't know you. But you seem like such a lovely person. better person than I am. I broke up with someone at the start of this year and it really fucked me up and I thought I'd be over it by now but I'm not I'm not at all and it feels like a constant reminder if how much of a piece of shit I am and I am deeply scared that I will hurt anyone I attempt to form a relationship with I just want to die I don't wanna be here anymore the future is pain everything feels like it's going to hurt and that everything and everyone is out to get me and I just want to be okay and I want to feel loved and told I'm not a fuck up or a genetic failure or a man or a women or fycking anything I don't want to be perceived anymore I don't want to be I don't want to be expected to be anything I don't GOD I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm doing it again. I haven't been able to talk to anyone for months. Why am I like this. I feel broken. want this year to be over. I hope you have a good Christmas. You deserve everything good. I'm gonna just go to bed. should I even send this. I just want someone to know. I don't know. sorry for attaching to you. Love you? Goodnight.