@ separatist anon: Anti-transmasculine transfems/women could say the same. You're teetering into the same ideological rabbit hole that those who contribute to the isolation you're feeling have already fallen into. People in our community (other trans men and transmascs) can do harm to our trans sisters and siblings, we can engage in transmisogyny just as others can anti-transmasculinity. There's no inherent solidarity in any of us, we ALL have to work to kill the internalized transphobia in our brain one by one.

Unfortunately, people are fragile and often turn to black-and-white thinking when a member of a certain group does bad by you. It's a vicious cycle that results in the community eating itself alive like a cheap dollar store version of Ouroboros.

There's always been a particular pattern in queer-online discourse to never acknowledge the good done by our community until it feels tangible enough to rise above our struggles, hence our intercommunity love never gets nearly enough attention as does aimless discourse, but we are loved. You need to pull out of that hole you've found yourself in before you recreate the gnawing anguish and seclusion you feel directed at other people.

Even what you're saying now is mirrored by people who feel the exact same way you do, but do so directed towards our group. Humans are funny like that. Even in discourse it's clear either sides share the same fight, anxieties are sometimes reflected. So I think one day our community will be better, it has to be, but to do so we all have to break down the unconscious dehumanization of the "other," to see those we're in a community with as more than just people whose our identities intersect within a group label. You have to do that too.

I was similarly spiraling in my early transition due to similar experiences of seeing people in my community express blanket distaste for FTM transition, the only other trans person I knew at the time attempting to talk me down out of HRT, so I understand first-hand the stages of grief. I implore you to seek out local trans and queer areas in your town, because finding people that understood me was the first step to dissecting this type of thought pattern. I met a lot of shitty trans people, those that certainly left a mental mark behind, but your idea of a non-transfem community will not save from that.

This is a barely coherent stream of consciousness written while hazy from pain killers (broken leg, ouchie), but I hope something there got through to anyone reading.

Our community is not perfect, but it's just as yours as it is mine. Isn't that worth how beautiful it can be? The future is worth aiding in.