Anon · 4mo
i have no idea what your response to this would be but i’ve been grappling with both guilt and selfishness recently and i really need to talk about it anonymously. you seem like a reasonable person who would at least listen before shutting me out as an irredeemable bigot (which i was at least the latter of those two words in the past). i think i’d just like some advice.
i used to be a crypto-TERF even though i didn’t directly interact with any transgender people on those accounts and i’m ashamed of it. this was from around the end of 2022 to mid-2023, although towards the end of that period i was in sort of an in-between state where i had a foot in each side and interacted with both radfem & trans communities separately (different accounts, etc.)
only a select few people know about it currently, and most of them believe me that i’ve deactivated those accounts (one twitter, one tumblr) and stayed gone since then, i.e. chosen to be a trans activist at the end of the day and keep my transmasc identity in full. i don’t blame the ex-friend who absolutely despises me and refuses to forgive or otherwise accept the apology at all! in fact it doesn’t really bother me that much since we weren’t close in the first place but even if it did i’d still understand. i just worry that instead of moving on and simply avoiding me at all costs, they’ll make a move to ruin what little presence and few friends on the internet i have if i appear more openly online. i don’t use any twitter accounts that aren’t private for a variety of (+ unrelated) reasons, but if i ever changed my mind then i don’t think i could last very long in mainstream twitter circles without them posting a callout for something that’s long done. i get that people deserve to know, but if i’m long past that phase and no longer hurting anyone by exploring gender criticism then i don’t understand why i should be treated as irredeemable forever and never get another chance from OTHER people and NEW friends who weren’t actively affected. starting over on a blank slate without lying or changing my identity online, which i seriously don’t want to do since i would feel uncomfortable pretending to be someone i’m not even if it wasn’t wrong.
i guess especially my concern would be that i’m not welcome in trans spaces at all anymore. i really want to start testosterone and change my name legally before the election later this year, and i want to celebrate that joy with other transgender people. i would worry my identity doesn’t matter if i’m a (perceived) threat regardless. like i don’t know, maybe it’s my BPD talking under the notion that nuance cannot exist but am i deserving of being alone without community forever, as if i’m exiled?
i’m not looking to be coddled (though please don’t be too harsh or dismissive either) and of course you’re free to criticize me further if you deem it warranted. i just genuinely don’t know where to go from here so that’s what i’m asking. i believe i have improved since cutting myself off from all TERF spaces, since i don’t need anyone’s approval to redeem myself and do better, especially given it’s been more than a year now, but maybe it’s not enough or there’s something i’m not getting about the obligations or lack thereof regarding how accounting for past actions, growing as a person, and the effects on other people are supposed to work. it’s not your responsibility to answer this or help me out and i know that, so it would be greatly appreciated but you can also shut this down or delete it and i’ll be fine. i wish you well.
I think it might be helpful if you look at people like ky schevers who previously partook in similar things and managed to come out the other side to try to make up for their past actions. I don't think it's right to mislead people about your actions, but I don't think people are going to immediately cut you off like you think they are. it all depends on how genuinely you see the wrong in your past actions and whether or not you've truly changed as a person, and that does mean that some people will not want to be around you, but again I think people who have gone the route of exposing the ways TERFs work and function are greatly appreciated in the community. but you still really should tell people. it's not fair to the people you're around, and you'll need to be prepared for whatever decisions they make (which may include cutting you off) but in general I don't think people are as likely to be as harsh as you think they'd be. just don't try to downplay your actions & make it clear that you've learned from your mistakes and regret them. I think that's all any of us would really ask for.
ironically, ex-TERFs tend to be some of the more helpful members of the community re: Elisa Rae Shupe exposing thousands of emails and internal communications, Ky Schevers giving valuable information on the inner workings of TERF circles, etc. but part of their work is also making up for the harms they've caused by giving back to the community they hurt.
I wish I had better advice to give tbh. in many ways, it's a cult. and the people who get sucked into cults are people searching for community and a sense of belonging, often very vulnerable people, and I am not a punishment-oriented person so I don't exactly believe that people deserve to be forever cut off from community for their wrongdoings, but I also know that there are reasons people feel that way.
