You said and I quote "paraphilias are not a choice but acting on them is and i am capable of making that conscious choice not to act on them" then just confessed to grooming and having intention to rape your partner. I do not fucking care if you said that with humor or even sarcasm that wasn't funny and who even jokes about doing vile stuff like that. Your "coping mechanism" literally made you become a pedophile how are you still defending yourself... What's not clicking? Are you so terminally online and surrounded by creeps like you that you think this type of behavior is normal? How are you not aware of the potential danger you've become? Get help. You've said in the past your therapist told you your fanfics were fine, have you told your therapist you actively encourage your partner to cut themselves? That you find rape, incest, grooming and abuse arousing? That you like little kids? Have you told them that? Do you actually want to get better? Or are you fine with being such a vile and horrendous human being? I want you to get better. No one deserves to be abused. No one deserves to go through what you did. You deserve to heal, but you're just digging your own grave. Do you really think this is helping you process your trauma? Do you really think this is okay? Get help please. Maybe you can change. Maybe you can find it in yourself to be a better person. I hope you do