gooner3000 · 1mo
I feel like u would have good advice so imma ask u. I have a friend, a trans girl. I’ve been noticing she makes a lot of things unnecessarily sexual (not like passes towards me but whenever I tell her I like someone she immediately jumps to me and that person fucking and always steers important questions towards something sexual). I feel like I’ve seen the same behavior in a lot of my old cis male friends. My friend didn’t come out as trans until they were already an adult. Would it be wrong to attribute their unnecessary sexual comments towards being socialized as a cis male for most of their lives? I’ve tried to explain to her that like it’s not cool but she gets defensive, and I think maybe saying it’s a remnant of socialization would help her understand (she’s also autistic and prefers things not to be sugarcoated). But I’m worried saying “hey ur unnecessary sexual comments is very frat energy” or “the stuff you do (she also sometimes subconsciously objectifies woman) is remnants of your socialization growing up and I want you to be aware of that”. How do I approach this? I obviously will affirm her identity but I’m just worried on how to bring about the conversation in a way she understands
i don’t really think there’s a way for a cis person to make a comment like that and not have it be transphobic. and tbh i dont think making sexual comments is inherently a “male” trait so i would feel uncomfortable to ascribe male socialization to that behaviour. i think ultimately you just have to be an adult and communicate to your friend that her comments make you uncomfortable. i don’t think you have to make it a trans thing, and i don’t want to call you out or anything but i think it might be your subconscious bias that’s jumping to that being the explanation and not “my friend is autistic and has different boundaries around sex than i do”. you can just tell her you’re uncomfortable without trying to delve into her socialization or identity or whatever. that’s lowkey a little bigoted. like it might be her socialization or something but that’s also kind of none of your business you know? not to be mean. like if your cis friend was doing something you don’t like, would you be like “this thing that’s bothering me is probably due to the fact that your dad wasn’t present in your childhood” or would you just point out the behaviour that was bothering you? not a one to one analogy but like you get what i mean. just tell your friend that she’s making you uncomfortable and also in future situations too it’s better to be direct with people who have autism, a lot of the time they prefer that. and in general in life tbh i think just tell people that they’re upsetting you. life is too short to be hand wringing over people’s behaviours and psycho analyzing why they’re doing something. you can only express what you feel. and if she’s not receptive to it when you speak about it in the moment, try messaging her in writing instead.
