happy new years, anonymous; sort-of -- as a kid (like under 10?ish?) i was just outright a bully and would basically beat kids up if they did anything i disliked / didn:t agree with me -- i didn:t really know how to handle being told "no" besides just hitting them; i had this moment in middle school, where i was threatening a girl with a sword and she just looked at me like i was doing a joke, & something about that made me reflect on my behavior. the final incident that sort-of cemented me being more "normal" was during 8th grade, i think, in christian school. there was this kid i didn:t like the face of, so i would passive-aggressively make mean comments about him whenever he was around, and one day he pushed me, and i fell, and then suddenly i realized he was a person -- something like that. outside of that: i would ideate about killing my roommates in college for the entire time i was enrolled, we lived separate but the core issue of "i can:t tolerate other people doing things i disagree with" sort-of sticked with me, and the rage would just build but i knew that i couldn:t a) physically bully them because it:s wrong, or b) emotionally bully them because it:s wrong -- so "making them disappear" was my new go-to. i never acted on it -- mostly because i:d ideate the 'after' where i realized i couldn:t hide everything if i went through with anything, and then ideate about courts and stuff; so: the tl;dr is everything in life sort-of guides you (impersonal) into being a sycophant because doing anything else makes "tangles" in the world / relationships that are wholly @ odds with your place as a person in context of buildingform -- it:s also a tool that roots you into buildingform, both from the perspective of physical (ie: confining your person) and from the perspective of thought-control (ie: the thought itself is contaminated, and acting on the thought causes deep contamination, which brings the buildingform more closely 'looming' over you). addendum to all of this: i don:t really think anyone deserves violence, the only way that makes sense to me presently is if you just arbitrarily decide to make othering-lines (ie: if i just decided right-handed people don:t deserve personhood -- which is silly to me), and that doesn:t sound like something i:d like.
also, just: i:m physically really weak ^^ so present-day me wouldn:t want to fight anyone; i don:t want to be hit, but i really enjoy shadow boxing / exercising -- i just don:t really eat enough to have strength; anyways: take care, anonymous