orion 💌 anon here !

sorry it took me a while to get back to you, i'm still kind of new to this expressing my feelings thing. sorry if its a little hard to understand and/or read.

truth be told, when i read your response, it hurt. i appreciated your honesty though, which is why i’ve decided to be honest here as well.

to answer your question as to why i decided to say my piece when you took it away rather than when you gave it, the answer is simply that i’ve grown. i experienced orion when i was a very different person despite it being a relatively short period of time since then. i was at a point where i wasn’t equipped mentally and linguistically to articulate what i felt, and also had no motivation to learn to express it (past the one comment and ask i’ve made on your tumblr, which is quite possibly the closest i’ve come to expressing anything except for now. even back then, i was overwhelmed by how it made me feel, that it overflowed into incoherent speech). the loss of orion dragged me by the cuff and forced me to confront several of my fears and reservations on being vulnerable, shoved me to the forefront of the battle between saying what i should say and a lifetime of never even entertaining the possibility of doing so. i’ve never had to put these sorts of feelings into words, never felt like i had to learn how to. i would also like to note that when i was feeling these things, whenever i read orion and everytime i reread orion, i never intended for them to be out in the world bc they were so deeply intensely personal, and the world was and is a scary place. even as they were half baked and malformed, they were attempting to take a molten little segment of my soul and form it into language. at the time, making it presentable enough to the public, to anyone else, was the last thing on my mind; i was still so preoccupied with holding it, shaping it, enjoying the warmth it radiated. i suppose that was selfish of me. like i said in my first ask, it’s taken a lot for me to reach this point where i am confident and comfortable enough to share what i think, and that was the chief reason why you’ve heard almost nothing about it until now. i suppose you just caught me at a time where i was available to grow in such a way, and i have (had this happened earlier, i would likely still be silent about it now). if you were to ask any of my friends, you would learn that they’ve viewed this as an experience that i’ve grown a lot from, so i guess i thank you for it. if there was ever an answer to this question, this would be the closest to it i could provide.

i’m sorry that my words were marred by the idea that they were elicited only because you took something away. like you once said, that has little to do with you and everything to do with me and my habitual reluctance to speak and articulate how i feel. i’m sorry that my timing has prevented them from reaching you in their purest form.

i’m glad that my words have reached you in some way though, especially since you have so heavily influenced how i am able to describe how i feel, have inspired me to embark on this journey and challenge of simplifying the great wall, wave, insurmountable mountain, that is my emotions into word. i had hoped to take a step forward with them, to reach you one last time when you had stepped back with your work, and words alone cannot describe how hard this step has been for me conceptualize and then execute. i apologize for how stuttered it must’ve been, and with what hesitance i took it with.

i too love kazuo ishiguro. it warmed my heart to see that you ended your reply with his words, and then your own.

there was a time where the weight of my emotions and the resulting weight of my words was too heavy for me to bear, so much so that I could not even fathom setting them down. i hope that they bring you more joy than they have to me, that rather than a burden they are the gift I mean them as. thank you for teaching me the value of setting them down and the value of sending them where they ultimately belong, sending them home. i, too, shall learn to cherish your words for a long, long time. i shall warm my fingers cold from the harsh winter of life at the hearth of your words fueled by the emotions of my memory.

i may not be happier that we met at this moment in time, that we touched and (excuse my boldness for assuming) were both hurt by it in our own ways, but i am better for it.

thank you.

(i’ll see what i can do about the orion fanart, where may i send it?)