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hi, can I read fic [x]?
all fics hosted in the private collection are no longer accessible until further notice. the collection FAQs are clear - if you have to ask, the answer is no. I'd suggest visiting my bookmarks for stories I've loved.
I want to start with the disclaimer that I am respectfully asking this out of genuine curiosity. Why did you 'private' some of your works? I follow you on Twitter but never saw the window yiu mention that would have allowed access to the now private works. It breaks my heart that I can't reread them but they are your art to either share or withhold, so I understand. I am just curious why you chose to remove them. Your works bring happiness to so many
disclaimer: fic writing is fun and should not, on average, require this much brain power - I am a silly person who is constantly experiencing an existential crisis, please do not take my response here as anything other than an opinion.
I answered a similar question a few months back and will give you the same answer now, as the reason hasn't changed.
I’m clumsy when it comes to storytelling, meaning I unknowingly let my experiences bleed into the narrative. in the past year, people who have known me long & well enough have been coming up to say: "I understand why you wrote X in Y now. it's because of Z, isn't it?" I mean, talk about the mortifying ordeal of being known… holy shit. anyway, I realised that I wrote because I needed to say certain things & a particular pairing or storyline provided the perfect medium. but, do I need to say these things to everyone and their family on ao3 dot org? not really. in fact, I would rather not. there is comfort in sharing with those who understand where these stories came from and what each line is made of. this mends my heart.
on that note: I am glad to have brought happiness to you! think of it as my turn now. I genuinely get so giddy daydreaming about what I can write in the collection and I haven’t been giddy about writing since 2020~
I won't be responding to this type of question anymore, so I hope I am more articulate now than I have been before. :)
Ok so I know tsukki would be Jun,...Yamaguchi would be chan (typing through tears unrequited junchan made me miserable)
Ahhhhh everything else is so hard....
HEYYYY omg? I think tsukki!jun makes a lot of sense given they’re both strategist, realist to a fault where they protect themselves by detaching from what can hurt them most (volleyball)(minghao) but unable to completely separate from it. and jun moves chess pieces across the board in a more subtle, but no less impactful, than soonyoung too. yamaguchi chan is CRAZY. yamaguchi’s “I don’t want to be left behind” re: the other karasuno 1st years and chan deliberately pursuing a path to catch up with soonhoon. that’s hella good mapping right there friend. I also asked the braintrust what they thought, and they came back with daichi!seungcheol (SURPRISING?) and atsumu!mingyu (INSANE?)
how was your day these past few months if i may ask 🥺 hope you're doing well!
you may! it’s been a crazy couple of months. I went to the US, got stuck in a hurricane, got stuck at the airport due to crowdstrike. went home, did my handovers, got a car, moved to another state, agonised over the fact that appliances are so expensive, especially washing machines, but still had to but them anyway, starting a new role on monday that is completely different than the previous one. all this in 8 weeks, can you believe it
Will you ever unprivate your fics on ao3. I love "Orion" and "Shadows come together" so much. These werde my comfort fics!
thanks! I think you know the answer already, but I can appreciate the desperation it requires to still ask.
haikyuu characters as konstelasi characters who is who
damn this is hard, I don’t even know where to begin!! controversial take but I say akaashi!minghao… thats legit the only one I’m sure of. maybe kuroo!mingyu but be warned I have been poisoned on this. I can’t do this give me your list first
what are some motifs you love to read? what are some motifs you love to write? if they're different, why so?
I had to think about my works to answer this question which I haven’t done for some time so thank you for giving me a reason to. apparently I use objects as a motif most often, changing the meaning behind it as the story progresses and the character it is linked to, grows. juxtaposition between the past/present meaning of an unchanging [thing].. I have no idea if I’m making sense. but I think of the ring in orion, the helmet in full throttle, the letters in until the next sunrise. the next one that comes to mind is exploring season/weather. it thundered when a character is denying their love, snowed when a doomed relationship ended, but it was summer when a connection was made, and spring when an old love bloomed anew. as far as reading preferences, I probably lean towards symbolic motifs more but conceptual motifs are great when well executed. now you, pb!!
what's the favourite thing you have read this year? (book/manga/fic whatever)
2024 is the truly year of enlightment as I finally read haikyuu so I will have to say that is my favourite! there’s 4 more months to go but I highly doubt anything else would get me as hooked as oikawa tooru did. in number #2 is probably Babel by RF Kuang. I was pessimistic about finishing it because it was a big read, and I’m still trying to process my feelings on the story even now, but I picked up Babel because for a few months I started going on public transport again and there’s ~40 mins commute time in a day. kinda special in that way. what about you!!
orion 💌 anon here !
sorry it took me a while to get back to you, i'm still kind of new to this expressing my feelings thing. sorry if its a little hard to understand and/or read.
truth be told, when i read your response, it hurt. i appreciated your honesty though, which is why i’ve decided to be honest here as well.
to answer your question as to why i decided to say my piece when you took it away rather than when you gave it, the answer is simply that i’ve grown. i experienced orion when i was a very different person despite it being a relatively short period of time since then. i was at a point where i wasn’t equipped mentally and linguistically to articulate what i felt, and also had no motivation to learn to express it (past the one comment and ask i’ve made on your tumblr, which is quite possibly the closest i’ve come to expressing anything except for now. even back then, i was overwhelmed by how it made me feel, that it overflowed into incoherent speech). the loss of orion dragged me by the cuff and forced me to confront several of my fears and reservations on being vulnerable, shoved me to the forefront of the battle between saying what i should say and a lifetime of never even entertaining the possibility of doing so. i’ve never had to put these sorts of feelings into words, never felt like i had to learn how to. i would also like to note that when i was feeling these things, whenever i read orion and everytime i reread orion, i never intended for them to be out in the world bc they were so deeply intensely personal, and the world was and is a scary place. even as they were half baked and malformed, they were attempting to take a molten little segment of my soul and form it into language. at the time, making it presentable enough to the public, to anyone else, was the last thing on my mind; i was still so preoccupied with holding it, shaping it, enjoying the warmth it radiated. i suppose that was selfish of me. like i said in my first ask, it’s taken a lot for me to reach this point where i am confident and comfortable enough to share what i think, and that was the chief reason why you’ve heard almost nothing about it until now. i suppose you just caught me at a time where i was available to grow in such a way, and i have (had this happened earlier, i would likely still be silent about it now). if you were to ask any of my friends, you would learn that they’ve viewed this as an experience that i’ve grown a lot from, so i guess i thank you for it. if there was ever an answer to this question, this would be the closest to it i could provide.
i’m sorry that my words were marred by the idea that they were elicited only because you took something away. like you once said, that has little to do with you and everything to do with me and my habitual reluctance to speak and articulate how i feel. i’m sorry that my timing has prevented them from reaching you in their purest form.
i’m glad that my words have reached you in some way though, especially since you have so heavily influenced how i am able to describe how i feel, have inspired me to embark on this journey and challenge of simplifying the great wall, wave, insurmountable mountain, that is my emotions into word. i had hoped to take a step forward with them, to reach you one last time when you had stepped back with your work, and words alone cannot describe how hard this step has been for me conceptualize and then execute. i apologize for how stuttered it must’ve been, and with what hesitance i took it with.
i too love kazuo ishiguro. it warmed my heart to see that you ended your reply with his words, and then your own.
there was a time where the weight of my emotions and the resulting weight of my words was too heavy for me to bear, so much so that I could not even fathom setting them down. i hope that they bring you more joy than they have to me, that rather than a burden they are the gift I mean them as. thank you for teaching me the value of setting them down and the value of sending them where they ultimately belong, sending them home. i, too, shall learn to cherish your words for a long, long time. i shall warm my fingers cold from the harsh winter of life at the hearth of your words fueled by the emotions of my memory.
i may not be happier that we met at this moment in time, that we touched and (excuse my boldness for assuming) were both hurt by it in our own ways, but i am better for it.
thank you.
(i’ll see what i can do about the orion fanart, where may i send it?)
thank you - I appreciate you giving me an answer even though you didn't have to! it helped put things into perspective for me. what resonated with me most is you saying that the world is a scary place and your feelings are deeply personal to share -- stories are the same way, don't you think? it takes courage and willingness to be vulnerable to throw a piece of oneself into the void and hope it lands in a safe place. so easy to overlook that because something is fictional it can't also be real, if you know what I mean.. but it was real. it is real. I'm glad to have overcome that fear & that you have too! + there is nothing to be sorry about -- you shared how you felt and so did I.
if you're comfortable, I've had a fanart sent through tumblr submission before. let me know if you'd prefer I keep it to myself/you're happy for me to share it with others (I'd suggest placing a watermark if the latter is the case).
Hello! Was randomly scrolling through my bookmarked list and saw almost half of it archived :'. I've been a complete lurker on fandom spaces for years, but I just wanted to drop a thank you for sharing your stories. Reading them (and re-reading and re-reading and re-reading..) brought me a lot of comfort and many much needed tears through my rougher days. I won't forget them anytime soon and will surely miss them!! The whole konstelai series is a masterpiece. Totally understand your decision to make your collection private, but I really hope to be able to read your stories again one day, be it old or new. Frankly I think I'll read anything you write haha
Thank you again and wishing you all the best :))
thanks, you too!
Hey, first of all wishing you all the best and good luck on your future endeavors!
I was stopping by bc I was going to finish Orion at last (emotions irl made it hard to read the story w/o crying) and I saw it was archieved. Which is a bummer but such is life! BUT I wanted to thank u for writing a great story and for maybe making me cry when I really needed it and creating a beautiful and meaningful and just amazing story! With great characterization and complex and deep characters. I spent many anight reading and feeling along with the characters. I am saddened I didn't get to finish it, but that doesn't make it any less valuable and it will stay with me for a long while. As the kids say online these days "it altered my brain chemistry".
Take care!
ah, that must suck not being able to finish a story you started reading. I appreciate you stopping by and approaching it from a positive angle -- you're absolutely right, btw. orion being gone from public spaces doesn't change the fact that you've had those cries. thanks, it's always good to know how someone feels about a silly story I made up seconds away from falling asleep. stay healthy & happy :)
kdt wonwoo worrying about the mortgage is soooo kdt wonwoo…
he's valid?! he's a financially responsible adult c'mon
miss vee thanks for the k&dt update i wish you a good night
haha you're welcome. i saw the seol + wonwoo-oppa pics and thought I was long overdue for a kdt bonus heh
Since the fics are no more accessible, I just want to say thank you for introducing the concept of 96z polycule for me. Your fics are really what brought me to this (very minimal content) hole. I'm going to miss all of your 96z fics! Hopefully you will be loving 96z in the future too~
people always say be the change you want to see, so maybe I'd get to read 96z fics from you down the line? and no worries hahah. whatever happens it'd be very hard to change how I feel about them!
kakkk, is it okay semisal aku berbagi rekomendasi fics ao3 ke kamu? I found chanhoon's pacrim fics and i really want to share it with you.
hell yeah! I'm always up for fic recs.
hi! dropping in here because i just found out you archived utns. i was really looking forward to reading it til the end. in the past i commented how i was looking forward to chapter 16, you replied back when it came out 😭 i wish i read it then but i was too busy with work. i was heartbroken to find out now when i had the time that it’s gone 😭😭 i understand and completely respect your decision but here’s me hoping i’ll get to read it someday if you so wish to share it again when it’s done 😭🫶🏻
who isn't busy with work these days... hope you got some well-deserved rest though. yeah no worries, I archived UTNS along with everything else for completeness but as I mentioned before, when I finish the epilogue and all she should make a comeback eventually. don't worry abt it too much - just think of it as a long wait between chapters. thanks!
is there a chance that you’ll publicize all your works again?
all? 0%. UTNS has a great chance, but I am happy with where the rest are currently. sharing them outside the collection brings me no more joy than they do now, meaning I've got no motivation to republish, really. would highly recommend visiting my bookmarks instead -- there are far more talented writers with accessible works you can support. :)
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