it's okay, Janu. having mixed feelings or even hate it when your bday comes is totally fine. hm, i'm not really good comforting someone but please know that beside of just getting older, it's also the sign that you're also getting stronger than you were. you've survived another year, you're still here regardless how fucked up your situation was. so, it's your big big day. raise your glass for you've won the battle you hate the most, life. aren't you the coolest? so, be proud when the day comes!