Thank you so much anon. This year has been unbelievably demoralizing and I’m starting to hit a point where I fear having to apply to med schools all over again, so stress is especially hitting me now. It seems so many people around me are moving on to better things and moving on with their lives in general (pursuing higher education especially) which only makes me feel worse about myself. I’m admittedly really bad about comparing myself to others and it’s hard to see them succeed when I feel so stuck.

I guess I feel like I need to do something impressive to even warrant people’s interest and attention, and it’s been this way for much of my life. I also struggle with putting too much of my value as a person into my accomplishments, and given that this year has been marked by so many failures that have made me question myself and my worth, it’s just been really painful. I haven’t doubted (or even hated) myself like this in forever, and I sadly don’t know what to do about it… I’m in therapy but no matter who I work with, it almost feels like I can’t get better. I’ve improved my mental health in many ways over my life, and it is vastly better than how I was 10 years ago, but this constant, nagging feeling of inferiority and lack of belonging has followed me since the beginning of any of my mental health struggles. The debilitating anxiety I had as a teen has just been traded for debilitating depression.

I isolate and keep a lot to myself, but sometimes I try sharing information in personal posts just to get it off my chest. It’s not even helping that much, nor is it really my style to share such stuff publicly, but it does make me feel slightly more seen at least. I pretend to be okay all the time in my day-to-day reactions offline, so it’s nice to go online and drop that, even if it regrettably results in some unpleasantly negative posts. It means a lot that even after subjecting people to them, someone cares enough to be concerned for and rooting for me. It truly does warm my heart to know someone is thinking of me at all. I feel alone and insignificant so often these days but it’s kindness like this that gives me hope for belonging in this world. So, thank you. Wishing your empathetic soul all the best as well 💖