yeap, i think thats the kind of shame planted inside us when we were younger.. growing up as a girl i was constantly made to feel lesser for my hobbies and interests (wether that was by my own family or by society around me) and as a child you internalize all this judgment then carry it with you throughout your whole life. its a really tough thoughtpattern to break.. i often catch myself feeling literally mortified for liking skz this much !! its something that i dont wish that people that arent close to me know about me ..
at least right now im at the point where i understand that being inside a fandom and feeling part of a little community where i can express myself creatively is really fullfulling to me. it combines so many things i like, which is music and art and writing and smut and chatting to people etc... sitting with that happiness and sharing it with others lessens the shame. especially when you bond with people in your age range who feel the same !! it makes you realize that youd never judge others for what they like, ane that you dont deserve that kind of treatment either.
i think its beautiful that through the internet we can make connections with likeminded people.. its somethign that carried me through hard times when i was younger, and its carrying me through hard times when im 27 now. i wouldnt trade it for the world.
and ive also become more radical about picking my friends. if someone wants to be a close friend i need them to be supportive and non-judgmental of my biggest hobby! i dont need them to know the nitty gritty of the pred/prey and non-con, but if i cant tell them that i love kpop and stray kids and that they make me happy, then i dont care to invest energy into making them be a close friend !! Being surrounded by a loving and non-judgmental environemnt really helps with showing you how you should treat yourself (and how you should have been treated when you were younger too).
good luck kitty... we only have a limited time on this earth, and a lot of people spend their days bored or aimless. Reading fanfiction is fun and exciting and hot and you should keep doing it :saluteemoji