Honestly we can’t speak to your situation or what issues might come up for you but in our experience the biggest thing holding us back was fear. We were scared of how our lives might change or what things might go wrong if we started to be openly ourselves. It was extremely difficult for us to pretend to be one person, and we never felt like we were, but we had done it for so long because we didn’t know if it was safe to come out of hiding or if others would accept us. But once we actually started to express ourselves more and open up and be ourselves, most of the things we worried about turned out totally fine. Our friends and loved ones were all respectful and supportive, we were all able to work together as a system to make sure we all were getting what we needed, our relationships grew stronger and more authentic. We are also a very large system, and we’ve heard that these things tend to be even easier for smaller systems. There’s definitely a chance for other problems to come up, maybe a friend you thought was supportive turns out to be disrespectful about it. But if the people in your life already know, and you already have solid communication with the others in the system, really your biggest barrier is going to be fear.

That’s still a really big barrier. “Be yourself!” is way easier said than done. The key is baby steps. Trying to just completely unmask all at once is not very likely to work out, because unmasking is something new for you. When you have to pretend to be someone you’re not for your entire life, it becomes second nature, and learning to be yourself takes active effort. Like any other skill, you have to practice, and it gets easier over time. If you panic or you’re having an off day, don’t worry. These things take time. I promise you will get more used to it, though the process may be gradual.

You can start with something small like using fashion as a way for different system members to express themselves, or making space for each system member to have their own hobbies or special items or something like that. For example, Bones is big into reading classical literature, so he has a bunch of books that are specifically his books, even though the others in the system might borrow them from time to time. Agil has xyr special sweater that specifically belongs to xem. Even something little like that can help people feel like they have their own space and the freedom to be themselves, even if it’s in little ways. Things like opening up to others or telling your loved ones who is fronting can be a little more tricky, so I find it’s helpful to start by just getting more comfortable with expressing yourselves, and communicating your feelings and needs. Once you get used to expressing yourselves authentically in private, it becomes easier in public, first with trusted friends and then with everyone else.

There is a chance that unmasking might cause some friction, and people you thought were accepting of you actually were only accepting of the mask. This is a really difficult and heartbreaking thing to go to, and even though I don’t think it’s as likely as you might think, it’s still a legitimate fear. The important thing is to have a fundamental basis of support you can draw on. This includes external friends and loved ones, but it also includes the system/other system members. Even if someone in your life turns out to reject you or treat you cruelly, you will always have each other, no matter what. And, hopefully, you will also always have some external loved ones who can support you. In some cases those kinds of relationships where someone is disrespecting you because you are plural can be repaired and people can come around, but the important thing is knowing that no matter what, you will be okay. Even if some people don’t accept you, even if they never come around, you have no idea how much love there is in this world just waiting for you. You haven’t met all the people who will love you yet. The right people will accept and respect and love you for who you are, rather than expecting you to conform to their expectations of how they think you should be.

We wish you luck! Unmasking is definitely a process. You all are very brave and we believe in you. <3