Of the reasons we block people, we usually only block radinclus accounts for one of three reasons (though there are rarely other reasons as well):

1. You got caught in a chain block. For example, you liked a bigoted tweet or follow someone who is very transparently an awful person in a way you could not follow them without noticing. We haven’t run chain blocks as much recently but we used to back when Twitter was more functional.
2. You are part of, or follow or support people who are part of, communities that openly engage in abuse or support abusers, such as the “MAP” or “pro-paraphile” community. (Or, you otherwise support someone while having awareness they are an abuser.)
3. You have personally been shitty to one of us, such as violating our boundaries, being ableist, or otherwise just kind of being a dick.

We don’t assume that people we have blocked are bad people or did anything wrong. We block heavily to curate our space so we don’t have to deal with harassment from bigots, especially after getting a lot of harassment not that long ago from an ableist harassment campaign that started on reddit and resulted in death threats and people behaving in really disgusting ways about our trauma and abuse history. Blocking is not a personal insult, nor is it intended that way. It’s just for our safety. Sure, some people who we have blocked we for sure hate and believe are horrible people, we’ve blocked plenty of infamous TERFs, but others we only blocked because we just don’t want to see something they post about often and the mute function on Twitter is extremely broken. Just depends on why we blocked you.

Unfortunately, as great as the whole radinclus online space is, it has a lot of problems. Notably, even though it tends to have good queer politics, racism and ableism are still occasionally a problem, like they are in every community. And, like in every community, abuse isn’t taken as seriously as it should, and survivors who come forward are not respected as they should be. We consider ourselves radinclus, so it’s not like we hate the community, but it’s often assumed that queer inclusion will extend to all other issues of oppression and it just doesn’t work like that. Like any other marginalized community, it has its problems, y’know? And when people try to speak up about it, sometimes shit really hits the fan. We’ve had experiences where people gossip about us behind our backs or make wild assumptions about us and spread rumors because we blocked them or one of their friends. We just ignore it because ultimately, if you decide you don’t like us for some reason that’s up to you, and it’s none of our business at that point. But it’s kind of exhausting getting questions about it all the time. We’ve answered this same question several times now. (This isn’t anger at you, for all I know you’re perfectly nice and just got caught in a block chain or something, it’s just frustration with the situation.)

IDK if it will help if we pin this somewhere or something but yeah. Hopefully that answers your question.

There’s a common anarchist phrase: “no gods no masters.” Hosts are a member of a plural system who is seen as the “main” one or who fronts the most. (You can learn more about what plural systems are here if you’re not familiar: https://morethanone.info/) Hosts sometimes are considered in some capacity to be the “leaders” of a system and to have a level of decision making power or control that others in the system do not. Some systems (including us) do not have a host—there is no one system member who fronts the most, and we all have equal power over our shared lives/make decisions together—so it’s a play on words based on that.

TLDR; it’s a joke, based on the fact that we’re a plural system of a bunch of anarchists.

I assume you are telling us this because you’re wondering if this is potentially a plural experience? Or maybe you just wanted to share, and didn’t want any advice, in which case you can discard all this. But either way, this is really sad to hear you’re going through this. It reminds me a lot of where we as a system were at many years ago, when we were seriously struggling and in a very bad place.

Here’s the thing: maybe you’re right, and that voice you heard IS you, or a part of you or something like that. But whether they are you, or a part of you, or someone else, they still have a say in your life and your decisions. Because your life and your decisions are also their life and their decisions, whether they are you or someone else sharing your body. Whether or not your inner voices are all you, it’s still worth talking to them and trying to understand how they feel, because it’s absolutely worth talking to yourself and trying to understand how you feel.

They are clearly voicing their disagreement, and their disappointment that you didn’t consult them on a major life decision. If they are you, like you think they are, then there’s a part of you that disagrees with the decision that you made. And if that’s the case, you should listen to all parts of yourself. You should honor and respect all of your feelings, even if you have many contradictory feelings or if many different parts of you feel different ways. You should be considerate of your own thoughts and opinions, even contradictory ones. You should consult yourself—all of you—before making major decisions that will impact you.

Trying to ignore or repress these thoughts and feelings both is not healthy and simply does not work. I should know, since I’ve tried myself. Ignoring the voice or telling them that they don’t exist won’t make them go away. It will, however, probably hurt them. It will probably lead them not to trust you, and build up resentment. It might lead to conflict, that conflict might escalate. Speaking from experience here, it is not pleasant for any of the parties involved. And it can be avoided, if you change your approach a little bit.

I understand that these kinds of experiences can be scary, for a number of reasons. But if you can, it might be helpful to try and reframe how you see this voice. Rather than this intrusive presence you argue with, maybe it can be something you’re curious to learn more about. Maybe you can ask the voice why they feel the way they do, and why they believe what they believe. Even if you still believe it’s just a part of you, it’s worth exploring why some part of you thinks they are their own separate person and not a part of you. It’s worth exploring why some parts of you disagree with other parts.

And, of course, it’s important to be kind to yourself. It’s crucial that you value your own feelings, and that you treat yourself with the respect you deserve—ALL parts of you. This voice deserves to be treated with compassion, consideration, and respect. Even if it’s you—YOU deserve to be treated with compassion, consideration, and respect. You deserve to be heard, and so does this voice.

Your inner voices—whether they’re all you, or their own people—are trying to tell you something important. They’re trying to tell you how you/they feel. And that matters. Their feelings matter. Your feelings matter. Especially when it comes to stuff like major life events and decisions. Maybe the voice is wrong, and you have every right to disagree with them. But they also have every right to disagree with you, and both of you should be able to voice your perspectives.

These things are complicated. We can’t tell you what your experience is or means. We can’t tell you what to do or how to handle the situation. Maybe this advice isn’t applicable, in which case only use the helpful stuff and toss out the rest. But we are here for you if you want to chat about it, and we’ve been where you are right now. It’s definitely not an easy spot to be in. I hope you and all of your inner voices are doing alright. We wish you luck on your journey.

First off—and I know this is annoying but I have to say it—there is nothing wrong with not knowing who you are. It is perfectly okay and fine to not know who you are. It might feel bad or be distressing, and so you might want to avoid it for that reason, but you shouldn’t feel obligated to know who you are or who is fronting just because you are “supposed” to. You do not have to. You do not owe anyone that. You can just not know that information and be okay with that, if you want.

Identity confusion isn’t something we really experience so we might not have the best personal advice. There’s a lot of different coping strategies you can try out, but everyone is different and what works for some might not work for others. In general, dissociation can play a big role in identity confusion, so typical coping skills for dissociation can often help. Trying out various grounding strategies to see what does and doesn’t work for you might be helpful. I know we tell everyone to do it, but journaling would likely be a huge help here. Sometimes talking through your thoughts and feelings or writing them out is a good way to process things and make them clearer. I also think it would be helpful to have a bunch of journal entries by specific system members written when you do know who you are, so when you don’t know who you are you can look back at those entries for reference. For example, if you have one system member who writes with certain grammar and phrases and often has specific feelings, you can use those journal entries later to figure out who might be fronting by comparing how you feel in the moment to those journal entries. We’ve heard of a lot of systems using journaling to track things like blurring and identity confusion for that reason specifically.

I don’t know how much this will help, and it does take a minute to set up properly, but this website is a neat little tool designed specifically to help systems figure out who is fronting when they don’t know by setting up a series of questions and answers. (Link: http://flowcharty.altervista.org/.)

Sorry you’ve been struggling with this! We wish you luck.

Sorry for misinterpreting that, I didn’t mean to put words in your mouth.

I am curious what you mean by “completely and utterly despising living as a system,” though. What do you think “living as a system” means? What do you think you would hate about it? I don’t think there is one way to “live as a system” and being a system doesn’t necessarily mean you have to do anything differently or change your life in any way. You don’t have to start using multiple names or engaging with the plural community or do anything else in order to be a system. Maybe you mean, all the ableism and other difficulties that come with being a system? But systems experience those things even before they know they are systems, being open about it can result in experiencing more ableism but the ableism still happens either way. I’m just wondering what your thought process is there.

It also might be worth noting that feeling like your brain is “detached from you” and “does things on its own” is a really common experience a lot of systems describe, as well as a lot of people with dissociative disorders. Same with feeling like there are thoughts being “forced into your head” by some external source. That doesn’t mean you’re a system and it doesn’t mean you have a dissociative disorder, but I figure it was worth mentioning as something to consider and look into further.

I respect that you believe you are a singlet, you know yourself best. I’m just a stranger on the internet. But I would still recommend self-reflecting on and researching these things, like I initially said to. If nothing else, you’ll confirm what you initially thought, that you’re a singlet.

Like I said before, I don’t know what’s going on in your brain, only you do. This sounds like it could potentially be a lot of different things. Personally, the way you describe it really reminds me of my experiences with intrusive thoughts. I wonder if you’ve researched that at all? Again, the way you talk about it makes it sound like you feel really awful about having these thoughts, but there’s nothing wrong with them. You’re not hurting anyone by thinking about these things. I understand how it might be distressing but you shouldn’t feel guilty or shameful about it in any way.

I know “just start journaling” isn’t the most satisfying advice to receive but I genuinely think writing out your thoughts about this will probably help you understand it better. Or maybe you prefer to express yourself a different way, like by making art or talking out loud and making voice memos or something. I think it just helps to find a way to externalize things rather than keeping it all bottled up inside.

Good luck figuring it all out, and sorry we couldn’t be of more help.

We don’t really struggle with blurring so our advice might not be the best. But, in general, things that help with dissociation usually help with blurring. Researching grounding techniques is a good place to start. Try out lots of different ones while you’re blurry to see what does and doesn’t help. Try to identify whether there is anything specific that triggers you to start being blurry—keeping a journal where you record when you are feeling blurry and what was happening at the time can help with that. It’s hard to give more specific advice because everyone is different and what works for someone else may or may not work for you, and vice versa.

It’s also not necessarily a problem to be blurry. If it’s distressing you or preventing you from living your life the way you want/need to, that is obviously a problem you should work to address, but blurriness isn’t a problem in and of itself. It’s okay to be blurry some or all of the time. It’s okay if you don’t always know who you are/who is fronting, it’s okay to experience identity confusion, it’s okay for sysyem members to blend. All of these things are very common plural experiences and there’s nothing wrong with having them.

So, I can tell from the way you wrote this you probably feel some shame or embarrassment or worry about how you’re feeling. The first thing to note is that how you feel is not hurting anyone. Your thoughts and feelings are just that, thoughts and feelings. They are not bad or harmful. The fact that you feel this way doesn’t make you a bad person, and it isn’t harming anyone for you to feel however you feel. It makes sense that you’re worried what others would think, but try to put that worry aside for a moment if you can, and reflect on your feelings without worrying how others might perceive them.

I can surmise that you are questioning whether or not you are a system. This is a really difficult process! We would know, we did it ourselves for several years. I mean, technically we still currently do it. I know how difficult and scary it can be. It makes you feel really alone, especially if you can’t tell anyone else what you’re going through.

First off, we cannot and will not tell you whether or not you are a system. We have no way of knowing that information, because the only one who can know whether or not you are a system is you. I can give you advice and describe my perspective, but I don’t know your mind, only you do. It is up to you to research plurality, reflect on your own experiences, and come to a conclusion about how you feel and how you want to describe yourself. That process takes a while, and there isn’t any rush. It’s important to try not to stress about it. Questioning whether you are plural is a process of learning more about yourself and your experiences and feelings. That’s a really complicated and beautiful thing. It’s easy to panic and rush to make assumptions about yourself or quickly decide what label (or lack thereof) feels best. It’ll help in the long run if you take your time to experiment and self-reflect deeply.

Journaling is the classic that everyone recommends, but that’s for a reason. Write down your thoughts and feelings about plurality. Write down your worries and anxieties. Write down your wants and desires. Once you write down all your complicated thoughts, you’ll be able to take a step back and get a better perspective when you read it over. This can also help illuminate certain patterns of symptoms or traits that you didn’t notice before.

Plurality is a really wide umbrella. There’s a lot of ways to be a system, every system is different. There isn’t any single experience or trait that definitely proves someone is or isn’t a system. Plurals are anyone who is in some way more than one in one body—more than one person, or part, or alter, or mode, or personality, etc. That’s a really wide range of many very different experiences! Your experience might not be the same as another system’s experience, and that doesn’t mean you’re not a system. You might share some experiences with a system, and that doesn’t mean you are a system. Whether or not you’re a system is entirely dependent on whether or not, after researching plurality and reflecting on your own life and experiences, you think you most comfortably fit under that umbrella of plural experiences.

The fact that you’re fixating or thinking a lot on plurality could be a sign that you are plural, but it also could not be that at all. Maybe you’re drawn towards plurality because you relate to the experiences of plurals or feel like plurality fits you in some ways Maybe you’re just curious about it or have taken an interest in it and don’t relate to it at all. Maybe what you describe as “your brain” telling you things is another system member communicating with you. Maybe it’s just a thought or interest and that was your way of describing how your mind works. Maybe you feel an urge to roleplay as a way for system members to express themselves outwardly. Maybe it’s just something you have fun doing or have an interest in. I don’t know any of that, because I’m not you, and I can’t tell you how you feel. This is, again, why the research and self-reflecting is so important. Only you can know how you feel.

Maybe you don’t know how you feel right now, and that’s okay! There is no rush. You can take your time finding different ways to express yourself and work through your thoughts until eventually, one day, your feelings become a little clearer. There is no timeline for that. It might take a few days or many years. Either way is okay. But ultimately, this is something you will have to figure out for yourself. Only you can define yourself.

In the end, plurality is a community label used to describe a variety of personal experiences. If it feels right to call yourself a system and to use the coping strategies, frameworks, etc. that systems use, you should embrace that. If later you find out you were wrong, or you try doing that and it isn’t helpful or doesn’t feel good, you can stop at any time. If you think you’re plural and later realize you were mistaken, so what? Experimenting with these things and exploring how you feel in the privacy of your own mind/journal cannot and will not harm anyone. Resources like advice or coping skills or ways of understanding yourself are not limited. You using them does not prevent others from accessing them.

We wish you good luck in your questioning! Remember, a lot of people go through this. Whether you’re a singlet or a system, you’re not alone. Hang in there and be patient with yourself.

Unfortunately I can’t think of any specific resources off the top of my head for dating specifically, but in general resources on plurality meant for singlets will probably be helpful. For a really quick bare bones introduction to what plurality is, morethanone.info is a good site to have on hand. There’s also Understanding Multiplicity, a short PDF made/funded by the Young Voices Study which explains plurality in a really approachable way I think would be helpful for loved ones. (Download link here: https://www.mmu.ac.uk/mmud8/media/10605/download?attachment.) If we think of more later we will edit this to add them, you can probably also just poke around our account by searching keywords and find some applicable resources.

As for our personal advice, it might not be the most helpful in the world, but the biggest thing is that everyone is different, whether they’re plural or a singlet. Every person and every relationship is going to be different and work differently. You can get all the advice in the world but ultimately it is up to you and your partner to define your relationship and communicate with each other. Hearing from other plurals can help, so can certain tips and tricks, but overall the biggest thing is just listening to one another and working from there.

Hopefully you have at some point already had some sort of conversation with your partner about boundaries, even if it was something small like what pet names you do and don’t like to be called or what time you’re available for phone calls. Talking about boundaries is really important in general, but it definitely helps a lot when you’re plural and dating a singlet, or vice versa. The only way for your partner to know what you are and aren’t comfortable with is if you tell them. Take some time to reflect on what you do and don’t want or need from your partner. What words do you want them to use or not use to refer to you, your plurality, system members, etc.? Do you want them to ask about the system/your plurality, or not? Are some questions good and others off limits? Is there any specific support you need from your partner? Anything you definitely don’t want from your partner? Once you answer these questions (and question lots of stuff, don’t stop there) you’ll have a pretty good idea of your boundaries, of what you are and aren’t okay with. Once you do, you have to communicate those things somehow to your partner! (And, of course, invite your partner to communicate their boundaries back to you.)

This might seem like really basic stuff, but it can be very complicated, especially if you’re plural. If you experience a lot of dissociation, it can make thinking or talking through things like boundaries really difficult—it might help to write down your thoughts in advance in case you forget or need to focus back in. The fact that you’re plural means different members of the system probably have different feelings and thoughts and opinions—it’s also important to communicate in-system about these things and give everyone equal respect and autonomy in matters concerning them and their life. For example: is everyone in the system dating your partner, or just you/certain system members? How does the relationship work, what is every system member’s role in the relationship, if they have any role in it at all? What is everyone’s comfort level with various things, like touch or certain nicknames/words? Are some members of the system comfortable with things others are not? Do some system members want to do things that others don’t? Your goal is to communicate about these things and come to an agreement where everyone in the system feels safe and comfortable, and everyone has the right to their boundaries being respected. This is easier said than done, especially if you struggle with in-system communication, but stuff like journaling certainly helps. Researching in-system communication in general is a big help if you are struggling with this.

Hopefully at least some of this was helpful, I’m sorry we didn’t have more specific resources to direct you to. If we manage to find anything later we will come back and add it, but I don’t think there are many resources specifically for partners of plurals.

So, there’s two things you could be asking here, which have two different answers.

First thing is, “Are we, as a collective system, a trans girl?” That is something you will all have to communicate about and decide together. Collective identities can be tricky, because really they’re just rough approximations, or ways of presenting yourselves to the outside world. Individual system members are all different, and might not always fit the system’s “collective identity” or presenting gender. What’s important is that everyone in the system has a say, and everyone deserves to feel comfortable and safe. Everyone has to come to an agreement about how to collectively present or identify, or if you even want a collective identity/presentation in the first place. If you don’t already have established methods of in-system communication, you should start by researching that! (Also, you don’t have to have a collective system identity! You don’t have to collectively be anything. We certainly aren’t—we’re different people, after all. Sometimes we use the concept for the sake of simplicity but it’s certainly not a requirement.)

The other thing you could be asking is, “Am I, the individual system member, a trans girl?” This is something only you can figure out for yourself through self-reflection. Identity confusion and things like blurring or dissociation can certainly make it harder to explore your own identity and how you feel about things like gender, though. I really recommend journaling or other methods of self-expression like making art. Finding a way to identify and engage with your own feelings is a good starting point. Talking to other trans people and engaging with the trans community also really helps! Above all, you should identify in whatever way feels right. If calling yourself a trans girl or using she/her pronouns or whatever else feels good to you, you should do it! Who cares if it has something to do with your plurality, or you aren’t sure yet, or whatever else? If you decide later that label doesn’t fit you anymore, you can change it at any time, no harm done. It can be intimidating, but sometimes the best way to figure out if something is the right fit is to just take the leap and try it. Experiment with different ways of expressing gender, asking yourself how each thing makes you feel, and embrace whatever makes you feel the best.

Hopefully this was helpful, I know gender stuff in systems can be complicated. We don’t have a host and we don’t experience that kind of identity confusion, so we don’t have a ton of personal experience in this regard.