I started HRT when I was 21 or so. I got top surgery a year or so ago (wild to me!) around 27 years old.

if you want to start, search "Erin's informed consent map," locate a place near you (or a local planned parenthood), confirm they take ur insurance, and then make an appointment. it's not difficult to start HRT via informed consent.

surgery is not that much more complicated mostly. look into local trans groups/state trans groups and see who they go to for top surgery, and then check to see if they take your insurance. schedule a consultation, and during the consultation let them know that you want to surgery, what you'd like, that you're not ready to set a date yet, and that you're trying to get more info about whether they can provide the results you'd like and what information they need from a therapist, letterwise so your insurance will cover it. you don't NEED a letter but it's a lot cheaper to get it if it's covered by insurance, and I think therapy in general is good for trans people.

that all being said, you can't get "HRT over with" as soon as possible - starting it will be frustrating and exciting and come with so many changes and not enough changes and looking in the mirror and trying to see if you look different and feeling like you don't and feeling like you're in your own skin for the first time in years. personally I recommend not thinking of it as something to get over with, though. you'll turn 19 and 20 and 21 when you turn those ages. you're just changing the direction you're going in.

first, it sounds like you're doing really good work already, especially with journaling and understanding your persecutor parts better - and I'm really glad I could help you with this :)

this question about what to do when parts don’t reciprocate is something a LOT of people deal with, so I wanted to let you know you're not alone in this struggle also.

I'm gonna start off with a metaphor bc I love metaphors and they help me personally:
let's say your system is like a garden. some parts are like flowers, they're super eager to bloom as soon as the tempurature is right. others, like the one you're describing, might be more like seeds buried deep underground, that have a lot more needs that need to be met before they're able to grow. personifying them a bit, they might be wary of the surface, afraid of being exposed or harmed. the tricky thing is that no amount of yelling “bloom!” will make that seed grow faster. you can't even gently ask it to bloom, because it still have its needs and environment and structure that need to be adjusted first.

trust-building with these parts is a slow process, and that’s okay.

so, what can you do?

1. personally, I like think of how you’d reassure a frightened animal. if you just keep showing up in a calm, kind way, even if they don’t respond right now, they’re noticing. richard schwartz (the guy behind internal family systems) talks a lot about how parts watch your actions over time to see if you’re trustworthy. keep showing that you’re not an enemy anymore.

2. sometimes parts don’t "appear" because they don’t feel safe. you might try visualizing a cozy, neutral meeting space in your mind. it could be a warm room, a meadow, or even a protective bubble—whatever feels inviting. you can let the part know they’re welcome to come when they’re ready, with no pressure.

3. if this part has experienced hostility before, even subtle pressure to connect might feel overwhelming. (this is where I absolutely recommend that you look into pathological demand avoicdance, a lot of the tips for parents about this are extremely helpful within yourself, too.) instead of actively "approaching" them, you try sending out internal messages like:
   “hey, i’m here if you ever want to talk. no rush.”
   or journal to them: “i don’t want to push you. i just want you to know i care.”

4. sometimes, parts are sensitive to internal emotions like frustration, impatience, or even eagerness and they might mistake those feelings for danger. something I recommend is grounding yourself in compassion and curiosity before reaching out.

5. if this part doesn’t feel ready yet, consider strengthening relationships with other parts of your system. over time, the resistant part might notice the improved trust and want to join in - or they might communicate with other parts instead.

6. janina fisher talks about how parts' hostility or avoidance often protects something very vulnerable underneath. instead of seeing their lack of response as rejection, try thinking of it as their way of saying, “i’m protecting something really precious, and i need to be sure it’s safe," and respond accordingly. assuring them that you don't want whatever they're protecting, acknowledging that they might protecting something and that you appreciate that, is also helpful.

you might have to wait a while to fully earn their trust. but this isn’t a passive kind of waiting- it’s active, intentional, and full of quiet reassurance. every time you don’t force them to come forward, id reframe this: you're making sure that they're experiencing something different than before, which is safety and autonomy.

if you’re journaling already, you might want to add a section where you write "letters" to this part. even if they don’t reply right away, those letters show them you care. they'll let you know what they need when they're ready.

again, I 100% recommend pathological demand avoidance as something to look into, and if you send me a separate message I can link to some resources for that I really like

whether your parts are "people" or not is more of a philosophical debate—it’s not something that determines whether you have DID (or any complex dissociative disorder). the diagnostic criteria don’t ask if your parts feel like fully realized people; they focus on dissociation, amnesia, and disruptions in identity. so, the question of "personhood" isn’t what makes your experiences valid or defines a diagnosis.

someone's parts don’t have to meet some philosophical standard of sapience or independence to matter. they’re valid simply because they’re part of someone's experience. whether they feel vivid and lifelike or more abstract, what really matters is how you engage with them and how they impact your ability to navigate life.

instead of getting stuck on “are they real?,” it might help to shift your focus to these kinds of questions:

• how can i approach these parts of me with curiosity and compassion, regardless of how they show up?

• what are they trying to communicate or protect me from, even if their methods might feel unhelpful sometimes?

this approach works no matter where you fall on the spectrum of dissociation or what label you use to describe your experience. their "realness" isn’t the point— this is meaningful because they’re part of you. the goal isn’t to prove whether they’re people or characters or something else. the goal is to understand them, work with them, and find ways to move toward healing together.

metaphorically, I think this might help you understand a bit more:

thinking about parts can be a lot like dealing with a house where things keep getting knocked over. you don’t know for sure if it’s a ghost, the wind, or something else entirely. but either way, you’ve still got to figure out how to live in the house in a way that works for you. if you spend all your time trying to prove it’s a ghost—or trying to block out every possible draft—it might drive you crazy. instead, you can focus on practical steps to manage it:

try rearranging things so they’re less likely to get knocked over.

pay attention to when and where things fall—see if there’s a pattern.

maybe even try talking to the "ghost," whether it’s real or not, and see if it helps.

sometimes, just addressing what’s happening directly can bring surprising clarity, even if you don’t know for sure what’s causing it.

For me, my support person has known me for ten years. He helps me with a lot of executive tasks and managing social situations. I don't want to compare him to an animal but he's very similar to a service animal in that he's able to determine whether I'm doing Really Fucking Badly when other people can't, or can provide help when I'm struggling with regulation, memory issues, or similar problems.

He's also very good for me in conversations because he is NOT autistic and this is helpful for when I'm going over a conversation with him later and he helps me a) remember the conversation accurately b) helps me by pointing out what people meant, their body language, or similar things.

He also makes sure that my bags are properly packed for work trips, and when I am staying at hotels and occupied with work, he handles checkout and packing up the hotel room to make sure nothing is left behind. He's also just really good in general usually about keeping tabs on my schedule as well. He takes extremely good notes.

also he can drive lol