i am so sorry this is so long

first - the thing about whether you need to process your trauma is that it's not mandatory in the sense that no one's gonna force you to do it.

second - if you know you’ve got trauma in your past, it doesn’t mean you have to grab a metaphorical shovel and go hunting for every buried memory. honestly, that can even be counterproductive for... most people. you should not do that outside of therapy, and even then, your therapist should/will help you with building coping mechanisms and ways to avoid total and complete flooding. healing doesn’t require digging stuff up just for the sake of it.

instead, you can/should ideally take it piece by piece as it naturally comes up in your life, as you are able to handle it.

a lot of people think trauma work means you have to have a crystal-clear memory of what happened to process it. that’s just not true, or possible, especially with complex trauma. sometimes, you don’t even have the full story—just fragments or the lingering effects it’s left behind. you don’t have to have a detailed narrative to heal. it’s less about the “what” and more about addressing the felt sense and how it shaped you. how it impacts your sense of safety, your relationships, and your reactions in the present. a lot of people think therapy or healing means basically just rehashing everything that happened, telling someone all the horrible details, and then somehow just getting over it—but that’s not true.

instead of actively digging for trauma however or completely Ignoring It though, you can just... address it when it surfaces naturally. maybe something triggers a big reaction, or you notice a pattern in how you respond to conflict, stress, or relationships. that is where the work can begin—not by dragging everything out all at once, but by focusing on what’s showing up in the here and now. healing is more often about learning to navigate those moments than about rehashing the past.

also - for a lot of people, dissociation is still a helpful tool - it’s probably a part of what got you through in the first place! you don’t need to “fix” dissociation to start healing. instead, think of it as something you can learn to work with. maybe it’s about managing it so you can stay grounded enough to handle daily challenges. or maybe it’s about figuring out when it’s protecting you versus when it might be keeping you stuck. either way, dissociation doesn’t have to go away completely for you to make progress.

even though you don’t have to go digging, there are good reasons to engage with your trauma as it arises, as you can, as well as building tools for recognizing when this stuff is coming up. for one, the coping mechanisms that got you through—like dissociation or avoidance—can sometimes start to spill over into the present in unhelpful ways. maybe you find yourself overreacting to conflict or feeling unsafe in situations where there’s no real danger. processing those moments can help you shift from surviving to thriving, making space for joy, connection, and safety that might feel out of reach right now.

tldr: you don’t HAVE to go hunting for your trauma or relive every painful memory to heal. you can and should take it as it comes, work with what shows up, and focus on building safety and connection in your life now. healing isn’t about “fixing” yourself or getting thru Every Single Bad Thing—it’s about helping yourself carry the weight of the past, recognizing when it's weighing on you, and then readjusting one small piece at a time.

in addition, if it helps, a way i think about unprocessed trauma is like files your brain that haven’t been able to store or integrate properly. when trauma isn’t processed, those “files” don’t get neatly put away in your brain’s filing system. instead, they float around, disconnected from the present and the past, and they can’t really slot themselves into your life in a way that helps you recognize patterns or respond appropriately.

dissociation acts like a barrier, protecting you from those “floating” files. it keeps them from overwhelming you, but it also means they stay unfiled, unorganized, and stuck in this kind of “repeating” state. that’s why unprocessed trauma can keep showing up—suddenly and unpredictably—even when you think you’ve moved past it.

processing isn’t about deleting or erasing those files, though. it’s about helping them find the right spot. it’s like saying to your brain, “okay, this belongs here. this is the context. this isn’t happening now.” that allows the memory or feeling to settle, to become a part of your story without overwhelming you. when those pieces are filed properly, they’re not trapped in a loop anymore, and they can show up when they’re actually needed—like when you want to reflect on something, recognize a pattern, or learn from an experience.

(also as a side note you should probably be more validating towards these unprocessed parts/feelings and not just end it with "that's not happening now," and validate the feelings that come up - that is a HUGE part of it. i am just trying to describe what processing does, and not necessarily "this is what you should say to parts/trauma")