Anonymous Coward · 17d
Hi! You talk a lot about increasing communication between parts by being receptive to their opinions / understanding their points of view. Thank you so much for this advice. I only recently discovered I have alters, so I was extremely hostile toward them in the beginning; after taking your advice I feel like I've really been making progress, especially with the alters that could be called "persecutors". I've even been journaling to better understand their stories, and I feel like I know my brain better because of it. However, whenever I try to mentally "approach" a part of myself, they act hostile and don't mentally "appear" for weeks or even months. I understand that they are probably just anticipating a fight, but I feel like I've done everything I can to demonstrate that I just want to know them better. So, I'd like to ask a follow up question: what happens when your parts don't reciprocate the desire for mutual understanding? Do you have any tips for helping them understand I'm no longer an "enemy", or do I just have to wait until I earn their trust? Again, thanks for everything you do.
first, it sounds like you're doing really good work already, especially with journaling and understanding your persecutor parts better - and I'm really glad I could help you with this :)
this question about what to do when parts don’t reciprocate is something a LOT of people deal with, so I wanted to let you know you're not alone in this struggle also.
I'm gonna start off with a metaphor bc I love metaphors and they help me personally:
let's say your system is like a garden. some parts are like flowers, they're super eager to bloom as soon as the tempurature is right. others, like the one you're describing, might be more like seeds buried deep underground, that have a lot more needs that need to be met before they're able to grow. personifying them a bit, they might be wary of the surface, afraid of being exposed or harmed. the tricky thing is that no amount of yelling “bloom!” will make that seed grow faster. you can't even gently ask it to bloom, because it still have its needs and environment and structure that need to be adjusted first.
trust-building with these parts is a slow process, and that’s okay.
so, what can you do?
personally, I like think of how you’d reassure a frightened animal. if you just keep showing up in a calm, kind way, even if they don’t respond right now, they’re noticing. richard schwartz (the guy behind internal family systems) talks a lot about how parts watch your actions over time to see if you’re trustworthy. keep showing that you’re not an enemy anymore.
sometimes parts don’t "appear" because they don’t feel safe. you might try visualizing a cozy, neutral meeting space in your mind. it could be a warm room, a meadow, or even a protective bubble—whatever feels inviting. you can let the part know they’re welcome to come when they’re ready, with no pressure.
if this part has experienced hostility before, even subtle pressure to connect might feel overwhelming. (this is where I absolutely recommend that you look into pathological demand avoicdance, a lot of the tips for parents about this are extremely helpful within yourself, too.) instead of actively "approaching" them, you try sending out internal messages like:
“hey, i’m here if you ever want to talk. no rush.”
or journal to them: “i don’t want to push you. i just want you to know i care.”sometimes, parts are sensitive to internal emotions like frustration, impatience, or even eagerness and they might mistake those feelings for danger. something I recommend is grounding yourself in compassion and curiosity before reaching out.
if this part doesn’t feel ready yet, consider strengthening relationships with other parts of your system. over time, the resistant part might notice the improved trust and want to join in - or they might communicate with other parts instead.
janina fisher talks about how parts' hostility or avoidance often protects something very vulnerable underneath. instead of seeing their lack of response as rejection, try thinking of it as their way of saying, “i’m protecting something really precious, and i need to be sure it’s safe," and respond accordingly. assuring them that you don't want whatever they're protecting, acknowledging that they might protecting something and that you appreciate that, is also helpful.
you might have to wait a while to fully earn their trust. but this isn’t a passive kind of waiting- it’s active, intentional, and full of quiet reassurance. every time you don’t force them to come forward, id reframe this: you're making sure that they're experiencing something different than before, which is safety and autonomy.
if you’re journaling already, you might want to add a section where you write "letters" to this part. even if they don’t reply right away, those letters show them you care. they'll let you know what they need when they're ready.
again, I 100% recommend pathological demand avoidance as something to look into, and if you send me a separate message I can link to some resources for that I really like
