[spoilers for jan in dis ask too] HI. okay. so. im so sorry for taking So long to get to this ask and i'm finally getting to it now. i had tried to write up my thoughts before when i first initially got this in my inbox, but i was just struggling way Too Hard to even put my thoughts down. thankfully though, i am good now.

so. like. my ayin thoughts are. Complicated. there's a lot that i can say here, but i feel like one of the best ways to convey my ayin thoughts is that to truly understand angela, you also have to truly understand ayin, and everything that was going on with him. this isn't to say that im defending ayin or anything like that, but it isn't a Coincidence that angela ends up perpetuating the cycle, following in the footsteps of ayin, and doing everything that he had done before her but now in her own way. just like how the main lobcorp facility was the equivalent of ayin's EGO (implied through the conversation with abel in lobcorp: "This office is born from your heart, siphoned up from your deepest subconsciousness. Yes, many parts of this facility were extracted and created from our minds."), the library is angela's EGO. they both create their own equivalent of an ego prison, dragging people they love and innocent civilians down with them in the process, all for the sake of their own atonement and forgiveness. hell. they even come to the same conclusion at the end of their respective games.

here (ayin)

and here (angela)

they both come to the realization that they have caused so much pain, that they have sinned, and that they have done wrong, and that all the pain they have perpetuated will just be used as justification by others to thus inflict pain unto others; causing the cycle of the city to go on ad infinitum. they both come to the conclusion that they must commit a kind of heroic suicide. that they will take the burden upon themselves to cut this vicious cycle once and for all. one of the final abnormality forms angela embodies before the keter realization—the very same realization that concludes with angela saying that if she is going to be in the light now, then she will oppose carmen at every turn rather than letting her get what she wants. wow. that's kind of familiar. i wonder who also does a similar thing shown by how he helps people manifest ego rather than distort—is that of paradise lost. just like how in lobcorp, the very last form of ayin x deals with to get to day 50 is that of adam, a form that is very much that of an aspect of ayin, before his true realization, that views himself as both a harbinger of the apocalypse, and a savior figure.

one of the reasons why angela doesn't come to repeat what ayin had done is due to the fact that someone was there to stop her from doing that. that someone was there, who had forgiven her, and shown a willingness to help her break the cycle as well. that she wouldn't have to go about it alone. just as one of the reasons why ayin comes to do what he does is due to the fact that he only had himself. there was no one who could've stopped him from committing heroic suicide and viewing himself breaking the cycle as what he had to do. in lobcorp we play as x, a form of ayin. ayin views himself as an inherently monstrous person. why would he forgive himself?

as well, ayin is a very good written depiction of someone who is Extremely traumatized from what had happened to him, so overcome with his own sorrow with the death of his friends that he comes to do what he does.

unrelated but really fucked up how ayin and angela both go on their initial journeys at carmen's behest (of course, angela doesn't know at first) and how they both end up coming to the conclusion that they will oppose carmen at every turn. lol.

that is to say, just because i like to think i understand his character and writing doesn't mean i like him. ayin's construction of angela and the sephirah, encasing them in his literal ego prison, and thus using them and their suppressed memories to help him Come to his realization at the end of the game is. like. it's so fucked up that it is Necessary for the script, for ayin's realization, heroic suicide, and his action of what it means to break the cycle, to be done in the way that it is. only for him to then decide that he, and everyone in the facility, must be sacrificed for the greater good. this isn't to say that i think angela is any different because i can acknowledge the kind of hypocrisy i may be displaying here with how, of course, she does the exact same thing. the thing is that ayin's construction of angela and is treatment of her just. makes it extremely hard for me to view his intentions in any kind of positive light vs. angela's own intentions and the kind of person she used to be before ayin had beaten it out of her by forcing her to perpetuate the script. not to mention. well. hand gestures. ayin's design of angela's body.

tl;dr it's A Lot. It's Complicated. ayin has absolutely phenomenal writing behind him, and at points i can feel for him, but most of the time i just do not like him.

UMMMMMMMMMMMM AND. WELL. BENJAMIN THOUGHTS!!!!!!! i like benjamin :) SORRY. i know this one may be a bit disappointing, but it's hard for me to really vocalize my benjamin thoughts beyond jusjt gmrmgmmhggh.. benjamin :) also because i kind of need to go back and look over the hokma lobcorp cutscenes again... i do think a lot about benjamin and his relationship with angela though and also his relationship with ayin... i really wish we could know more about how ayin from someone who isn't himself or benjamin so i could really just Know why benjamin was so infatuated with ayin. kind of fucked up to think that if ayin just let benjamin in, he probably would've served the role roland did to angela in ruina by stopping him from committing what he sees as a heroic suicide to break the cycle