anonymous doll · 7mo
i'll be completely honest, the first time i saw all my love while hunting for one2eus fics, i didn't click it. i saw that it was about attending gumakeria's wedding and thought that oh maybe it's unrequited keriaxzeus. i was so so wrong (prolly cuz i dont read tags on ao3 💀).
it's been half a year since the last time i read all my love and it still consumes a part of my soul. it's been a year since i started college miles away from family and friends then became so homesick that i couldn't study. it's been a lifetime since i've longed for a home shaped like the almost-family in all my love.
i don't even remember the specific words written on the page when i read it, and i don't even remember the scenes that made me hyperventilate on my bathroom floor. but, i do remember every feeling i felt when i read your fic. from joy to sorrow, from dread to anxiety, and from peace to forgiveness, i had felt almost everything when it came to coming home after a whirlwind of change.
i had originally thought that all my love was just going to be another 2d love story with the normal amount of angst and confessions, but when i clicked on the title, i had realized my thoughts were rooted in the wrong assumptions. it was a love story, yes, but it was a love story that wasn't just romance. the love was familial, romantic, a devoted type of platonic, and community. after clicking on the title, i just couldn't peel my eyes away. it was everything i felt in that moment, in the confusing transition from my teen years to my adulthood. in just a few days of reading it, this story had made a nest in my heart and spread a warmth i hadn't felt in a full year.
the way everyone had forgiven and given wooje a chance after all he had done gave me hope that i would be forgiven for leaving my little sibling behind with our mentally recovering parents. the way minseok always checked to see if wooje had left reminded me of how i had watched my friends drift away from me one by one and how i'd occasionally pull them back for a day out. the way everyone loved in the fic made me look into a mirror and face the experiences i had long stuffed into the bottom of my lungs.
i was going through a lot of stuff when i finally clicked on your fic. i had recently suffered the loss of a pet, started college, and felt my friends drifting away from me. reading all my love felt like a hug after becoming numb. it was that warm feeling after you would stare into the abyss after crying your heart out. after feeling like i could no longer stand up, it felt like i could atleast put my feet firm on the ground again.
i thank you, so so much. not just for the wonderful story and the dedication to your writing, but also for the love you shared with me and your readers. the amount of love in your writing could probably fill every heart in this world and have extra in case anyone needed it. i hope you feel the same way and i hope you took some of the love for yourself as well. just from the way you write, you seem to be bursting with love.
it's like the universe let a star become human to share its warmth in the most comforting way. i hope you continue to write and love what you do for years to come and for the eternities that face you.
i give you all my love, gwen.
hey anon. i’m really sorry about the late reply on this—i first saw your submission on friday evening, and i’m typing this sunday and monday evening. i had to make a google doc and everything to write out exactly what i want to say. and i still can’t get through reading your message without crying. LOL
truth be told, i thought this was going to be a rlly funny ask when i saw the first paragraph!! i laughed so hard hearing about your keria/zeus assumption, and showed it to bebe (my beta reader), and then i calmed down enough to read the rest of your submission. and then i was like, oh this is. long. and so, so heartwarming that i cried tears of joy (not sadness!!! do not worry!!!)
to be honest, these days i’m reflecting more on my emotions and i just want to say i am very, very glad and grateful that you are here. i’m happy that my silly fic could impact you in the way it did. i never really foresaw how much love that fic would get, or how much love i would receive as a silly fic writer in general. i mean, when i started writing all my love, it was because my dad bought a stick shift and i learned how to drive one. (i stalled it so many times.) the very first scene i wrote was the one with hyunjoon and wooje in chapter one, when wooje drives the mustang for the first time in a long while. besides that, the idea for all my love had been floating in my head for a while—i knew i wanted to write a second-chance homecoming fic about returning back to your hometown after college. i was torn between two ships, onerzeus and bengifaker, but settled on onerzeus because that’s what bebe and ginger told me to do, and because i didn’t feel comfortable writing skt-era side characters since i didn’t know them as well. and i think that was the right choice. i mean, all my love has onerzeus written all over it. but it was that, plus my recent discovery of noah kahan and his deluxe album that just fit my ideas so well, which sort of formed the start of all my love.
in general, all my love became very, very self-indulgent. me and my dad’s music taste, the cars, the mechanic shop, the found family trope, making gumakeria get married. all things from me, that i love, that i want, or that i enjoy. i think for that reason it surprised me that so many people were attracted to it and loved it. but ginger tells me that’s why so many people love it in the first place—because i poured myself and the things i love into it. I MEAN I PUT JOJOPYUN IN IT FOR GODS SAKE JUST BECAUSE I LOVE HIM. but i don’t know. she’s smarter than me, so i’ll just take her word for it. and you are, too—you’re right when you say it’s a love story. ginger also used that wording before in the past while talking to me—bursting with love—and i showed it to her with a smile. wooje struggles with himself and his home and his family. i always made fun of the fact it’s a whole 13k before hyunjoon—the love interest—shows up in all my love, and i freaked out while writing chapter 3 that he talks to primarily minseok and sanghyeok at the start of it, but i feel like that in itself shows how much the other relationships matter. (huh. maybe i should add the zeus&minseok tag, zeus&faker, or the zeus&t1 tag.)
but i’m really happy this self-indulgent fic spoke to so many people, though. i guess love just shines through, or something.
it was the last paragraphs of your message that hit me the hardest. you have told me some of the kindest words i have ever heard. i never really get all that personal in my fic notes, or my twitter, but i’m certain i’ve mentioned my mental states vaguely. i wasn’t necessarily going through a lot when i wrote all my love, but i was battling depression, my father was battling cancer, and toward the end i got into a horrible car crashed that tanked all my mental progress in one day. (ironically, i ended up a lot like hyunjoon after his and wooje’s crash.) i’m kind of going through a lot right now and that’s why i cried after reading this submission. my depression has gotten much better, but i’ve entered a stage of grief since i lost my father to cancer last month. i got this retrospring submission on friday evening, like i said. saturday was his memorial. the whole week had been horrible for me; i was an emotional wreck—but then i saw your submission. and that was my warm hug, anon. i read it, and reread it, and bawled like a baby on and off for an hour. you seeing the love in my story and me means a lot. you called me a star—i’ve always loved stars. call me naive for believing in fate, but i haven’t had a retrospring submission in a month. so this means a lot to me. you mean a lot to me. i don’t think i’ll ever forget this message.
all my love is by no means a perfect fic, but it’s full of love. i love it, and many people love it. it—and all my writing, really—is meant to share joy and love from my little corner of the universe. i’m overjoyed that me and my fics can impact you like this. i love writing, i love my fics, and i love you guys. so thank you for reading and supporting and sending love. it truly means the world to me.
