(For context, here's the ask Avvy answered, that anon is referencing.)

And also for context 2, yes, he is a Chara kinnie. We are matchies, and I do see Avvy as... my Azzy! And have for years. 🤍 [waves paws around] Ohh, but you know– it's interesting because, I got into UT / kinned Chara before I knew Avvy... So my feelings have changed over the course of knowing each other?

When I first played back in 2015, my most immediate feelings were just ones of... agony, sadness, for Chara and Asriel both. Regardless of relating to Chara, I didn't actually have much of a bias, I think I pitied them equally. Neither of them asked for this fate... And, oh, you know, it feels as though there was a lot unsaid... Could Chara really understand how much Asriel loved them? Could Asriel know what Chara really felt about his inability to follow through with the plan? Here they are, finally reuniting, both 'too far-gone' tampered beings living far past when they should... There's this absolutism in Chara's decision to end everything, simply cannot leave them to persist as they are. There's always an air of pragmatism to them, like, it's better this way. This simply made me feel doomful and forlorn.

I pined for an alternate ending, a moment where Chara 'snaps' back and crumbles to knees and apologizes to Asriel, who forgives profusely. (... it embarrasses me, but you can look upon an old drawing where exactly that is happening...) It was a meager comfort though, it kind of felt like, a fantasy I knew would never come to pass. I know like... you would think, the power of art/fandom is all about exploring possibilities, but I find that it really matters whether or not I personally believe in that possibility. It's like being unable to soothe a fear in your heart or something... *mutter mutter*

In general I would say my initial engagement of UT had this quality of... 'I'm sorry, please forgive me'. I was very lonely at the time and coming out of a bad relationship, so I think it all adds up. Some sort of endless grovel emotion. Er, but, fwiw, I always have an edgelord streak and, I was flagrantly horny for the mistreatment Asriel puts you through in the game lol, so... It's not like it was all pure misery, I had my fun when I could. There were certainly aspects of No Mercy Route that allured me... Thought a lot about the melding of Frisk/Chara's mind, as one progresses, the body feeling quite possessed, caked in injuries, own blood, and dust...

Once I had Avvy in my life, I had a more solid sense of... Security? In being loved by Asriel-? Even before we directly engaged in UT together, I think just having a euphoric love really helped unknot my brain in ways. So by ~2018 I was able to engage with No Mercy Route aspects with more flamboyance, uhmm, like moreso enjoying the messed-up state that Chara is in by it, and the interplay of them and Asriel, as they near the end. The building excitement as the underground is wiped, as they near their goal, but also Asriel's impending doom... I think I was able to fetishize the, uh, feeling of being a bear-trap for my lover. When before it felt like a curse, a sad reality. I still thought about alternate events where Asriel doesn't get killed, and the two linger and speak to one another.

More years pass... I would say the modern era is like, WOO yeah, woo, able to engage wholly with the ending. Emotions present: Lol, that me. THE DEMON WHO COMES WHEN YOU CALL ITS NAME... I think it's apt to see it as Chara's parallel to God of Hyperdeath, it feels like some peak delusion, manifest. Becoming something worse than either human or monster alike...? But of course, that was always the fate, it explains everything-!! It all makes sense... hahaha. I suppose I can more vividly feel the... hazy, hot, feverishness that comes with this warped mind, the confidence, the certainty to make the call, to kill everyone, the way this really makes sense and is for the best. =) Loving Asriel still, fond and pitying him, for what he can't help, but kind of ascended past any ability to feel things suchas frustration at him; he's a poor confused dummy. *affectionate, sweet tone...* It's not his job to understand.

It is still an easily brambly state of mind though. Chara is just er, very self-hating, even when they're wiling out, that kind of takes precedence; a lot of self-repulsion and species dysphoria that is rampant in them. I think the descent into No Mercy Route is filled with internal squabbling, reaming self, scolding self for being selfish and terrible. The initial disgust is like, look at you, you're SO VERY human, of course you would return only to cause the maximum amount of pain and misery!! A major defeat, but also an inevitability, mind breaking experience. So art of this phase is very vent-y still... but uhm, I would say with more interest in the suffering? The meta awareness that it's hot to be this crazy and that Asriel likes how scary I am lol? Or Something. *shrugs...*

I would also say that my 'what if we recognized each other and aborted the route' desires have now been shifted to Pacifist Route... I think that epiphany makes more sense here? With a less erroded mind. In the void, alone with Asriel, after the God of Hyperdeath confrontation. I want that hug to be like, reunited lovers lol, ASRIEL!!! Shrieks from lungs... I DON'T WANT TO LET GO! EITHER!!! And my newfound appreciation for selfishness means I kind of love the concept of um...? Just, letting Asriel keep all the souls of the monsters underground to power his body lol. The 'power of friendship' giving Frisk enough drive to get through the events of the confrontation with Asriel, to out-Determination him, to bring him down from his mega tantrum... but. The power of Chara's love for Asriel trumping everything, after the entire experience. Wishing to be together again No Matter What. I like how it would parallel No Mercy Route in uh, turning the underground into,, empty, wasteland, but less MISERABLY? Not slaughtering everyone but instead everyone kind of being sacrificed to bring the prince back, so him and his best friend could go to the surface together. Kind of interesting way for them to be the Angel, both saving and destroying everyone? I'd like to think everyone's wills would just be assimilated into Asriel over time slowly... Serene and peaceful end for Chara and Asriel after all their struggle, but hauntingly at the cost of everyone else ww.

↑ Tangent, but it's related to how my feelings have evolved over time. Overall... I feel less... guilt. I understand my center and focus is Asriel no matter what, so I can accept anything within that context. The world of the game kind of... revolves around, us, so. Feels fair. All the theatre that occurs is just an exploration of our feelings about one another, and we accept everything we do to one another. =) ❤️