Hallo.... Ummm. I have ruminated on this question for a while, as, naturally, it's a sensitive subject. I like to be honest about my experiences and feelings when I can (hence... why I discuss being ill at all, haha) but I also like to maintain a degree of distance when brushing up against the Super Personal. For both privacy and comfort and... well, I'd never want to say something that creates the wrong expectations from me. Typically this is why I dislike labels as a whole... A mix of self-consciousness and not wanting to create a ton of assumptions. I feel like presenting self with 'I am [x]' immediately creates a ripple of questions, like 'in what way?' 'but how much?' 'he was [x] all along... so now I will associate him with [y]!' ⬅ I really do not want this......... I prefer to be imbibed moment to moment as an individual. I would like it to be that, if you're invested in WHIM lore, you uh, learn organically over a period of time he be certain ways... Ya know? (´ε｀ )

..... *plink* ummmmm. But I understand you earnestly want to know about me, which is totally fine!! I just wanted to preface with alla dat... and reassure that I'm answering to my comfort level. So let's not worry~ ｡◕‿◕｡

So the short answer is... yes. I would say that I am disabled... A part of me really resists the reality, because I feel like a liar, like it is wrong of me to say it... But on a sheer pragmatic level I can understand it is what I'm going through. Like even if I resisted saying it here ⚊ I'm literally dealing with paperwork that terms me as such, HAHA... My current weekly routine is booking appointments and meeting with like 5 different medical professionals... My wife is now my Adult Escort. Sooo like, a rose by any other name, is all it'd be. :B I'm working on accepting it is my current status... and that, I've always needed a lot of assistance, and I've been living a compromised life, for the most part.

Historically, I've always used art/writing to express this through characters. I both connect strongly to characters that are very ill in canon, and project some of my own traits for fun. A real mix, I would say! (ˆ𐃷ˆ) I feel verrry strongly about Homura and Amane both having congenital heart conditions... The way this impacts their psyche from childhood is something I want to really emphasize and explore-!! To the point where, I do quite dislike mundane AUs that remove this as an aspect of their character... Does not feel right to me, to create a canon where they are 'normal people' who have no struggles. Is totally missing the point-!! How boring... I'm OK with wanting to strip a world of magic/supernatural elements, I just dislike the magic fix-its that come with it... IF you want a Homura that never becomes a magical girl, she should always be ill-! If you want an Amane that can survive childhood without Tsukasa's sacrifice, then he should slowly recover-!

My predilections are such that I naturally like hurt/comfort, angst, whump... I do fetishistically enjoy hospital settings, medical treatment, the individualistic symptoms of different types of ailments, things that arise since birth, or from a traumatic incident, or contracted... chronic, acute... Soo, if anything, I prefer to increase the intensity of the disability when possible. I do not want characters to Get Better ⚊ what a far too convenient solution...! And how boring, and unrelatable... I don't want Tavros to get robot legs, I don't want Ed to get his arm and leg back-! *traps them in wheelchairs!!* Isn't it a much more complicated struggle to have to accept that you might never 'get better'... you might never be able to just be 'useful' or 'strong', or live life like everyone else...? Someone like Sunny won't just 'grow up', being less mentally ill isn't an option for him. What if he NEEDS to be babied, have his hand held through everything...? What if he just can't do school-??

Not only is it a more compelling struggle to me, but I like the commitment that presents on the caretaker's end... To accept the unconventional, to tailor their life around the other... To be needed so endlessly and wholly. Of course, I don't think of the caretaking one as always perfectly able and well-! I like to care for my Avvy as well, after all... in what ways I can. It's about helping one another... filling in each other's gaps. ❤‍🩹 So, I think it is important that both characters be unfit for society in someway, unable to be normal, acceptable, in some crucial way... It is an escape for the both of them.

Also worth mentioning that we take turns with who is the Sick one... remix the situation in many ways... I do not always Need MY character to be the one who is explicitly more ill/compromised. I enjoy stepping up as the caretaker role, being older, more competent-! After so many years spent together, I feel like we've really had infinite moments of passing the baton, doting on one another... So it's fulfilling for me to perform as caretaker. I'm quite grateful that I can explore that side of me respectfully, acknowledge how I enrich my Avvy... (I feel like WHIMs tend to be more nefarious when they are less nerfed... I see her as more pure of heart, while he is more like some terrible dracula in a cape locking her in his mansion........)

Returning back to the topic of our real life dynamic, ummm... Gosh, I couldn't possibly list all the things Avvy does for me... I like, everything, she's the sweetest girl in the world, accommodating my slow clumsiness... I can lie in bed while she brings me water, all my meds, tucks me in for a nap... and while I nap she'll make me a special meal and fix it up way nicer than I ever asked... greet me lovingly when I wake up, talk to me sweetly... She always checks in on me and notices when I'm starting to seem Off, she's so attuned, truly observant.... Able to comment on things I'd never notice and, find my bad habits sweet or funny... It forces me to hate myself less, and feel less humiliated by my inability to do so much. It can't be soo bad if my wife sees me as such a lovable thing lol.... sigh....

I feel like there's so many anecdotes of me, like spilling, breaking, dropping things, and just sitting there crying while she takes care of it all around me. Avvy's dealt with my barf and boogies and tears, applying ointments and powders and special soaps. She's the only reason I can have long hair without it becoming a matted mess... She scans my art, organizes my desk, ties my shoes... I really couldn't be a fraction of myself without her help. Hence why I emphasize all the time, how she is amazing and I owe her everything... It's no joke... I couldn't list a single person who has done half as much for me. I was a neglected child so I feel like by now she's easily done more basic care for me than any adult did for me when I was little.... And, she's incredibly gorgeous and 10000x more charming than anyone HAHA...

Whenever I reflect on it all, I get like... *smiles placidly* uahh, what am I even coping with... My life is pretty great...... Basically getting cookies and milk brought to me, and RP'ing getting cookies and milk brought to me. The ultimate cope.......

Well, I hope any of that was educational/interesting/etc.! ♪ヽ(･ˇ∀ˇ･ゞ)

Oh sure... 9.9 I could drum up a summary of sorts, for my HCs/concepts for the Kuroki sibs. It's true that it was a passing fancy, but in the month or so I spent innit, I did romp around... Had fun, stimulating thots.

When I had first started watching/reading Watamote, I had done so out of simply curiosity to see more of Tomoko. It was a rather casual curiosity... I didn't expect much, I just wanted to learn more about what made her waifu material. Naturally, I had seen art of her over the years, and I mentally categorized her as being a type of girl like say, Konata from Lucky Star. I figure she was a lazy otaku, perhaps with more of a shut-in flavor. Was quite surprised she was far more miserable and unwell than I had the impression of — like, a social reject, anxious to the point of paralysis when talking to others, bitter, self-hating... But most shocking was that she was VERY, VERY HORNY like listening to yandere audios and playing otome games... Far more explicitly horny than I could have expected, so like, her desperation to stop being unpopular is a lot more about wanting to get laid... Which is so real for a teen girl fkfjshsfhh...

Part 2, I was unaware Tomoki even existed... and. Well. The way she sexually harasses him was rather appealing to me kfkf... so I started having investment in the two as a ship. At first it was frustrating that he was a stick in the mud, not playing along with her (I have a low tolerance for shitty boys...!!) But, that was quickly remedied when that he absolutely adored her as a child... To the point of, wanting to marry her, and wanting to get kisses from her... This new fact really shot through my brain. IIYARGHHH...!! What a thing to be true, about a boy like Tomoki... He appears like such a 'normal boy', irritated by sis, wanting her to leave him alone and stay out his room, just playing soccer or w/e. But I think it's genuinely more complicated if he used to be very close to her, and had a wee little crush...

Actually, an important detail is that the two have only recently drifted this apart from one another, so there hasn't been this much friction for the majority of their childhood! Tomoko reflects that they were playing video games together still, about a year before the start of the manga (iirc...) Recent developments... slowly petering out. It's kinda fascinating, they're not exactly like two siblings who have been at each other's throats for years...

Another thing of note: Tomoko was a very good big sister, once...! She was caring and attentive, playing with little Tomo-kun... He loved her for a reason!! With only a year apart between them, I imagine she felt like his best friend... In general, Tomoko bemoans how life was simpler and easier for her in the past; she did not always struggle with speaking to others... I figure her threshold is more suited to grade-school work/engagements... and as her peers mature around her / expectations increase, she is floundering underneath the pressure. Ofc another layer is I think puberty has made her crazy, basically immobilized with a desire for sex, while also unable to overcome how difficult it is to even exist now... As much as Tomoko has become more selfish, and poorly behaved, I feel like I understand why... After all, she still tends to get along well with young boys. T_T It's a 'loser' trait of hers, but I find it cute, and it makes me emo. She's got a very specific skillset.....

Likewise, even though Tomoki acts harsh, pushes her away, I kind of pity him to a degree. I feel like he once had all of Tomoko's care and attention... but as she aged, it fizzled out, and she became obsessed with other things, locking herself in her room for hours, on the computer all the time... She is uncontrollably teasing and pushy, wanting to use him for practice to improve speaking to others... I think he starts to feel like 'a means to an end' for her, which is very painful... and, embittering. I guess I kind of see him as a boy who was 'rejected' by his crush, who still has to Live with his crush, who minimizes the significance of their relationship, unknowingly... I think he used to be more reactive and emotional, but shut down, out of self-preservation, and is now a stone-wall when being called a siscon, or asked to show his cock. He kind of has to... kill, all the preciousness held between them, and go, whatever . We're not little kids anymore. So, it's fine. I don't care . [lays it all to rest...] [heart... encases in chains...]

It just so happens that his aloof, disaffected swag, and severe gaze draws in a lot of intrigue. Which leads to being seen as handsome, sports star... But er, I think Tomoki is amusingly irritated by the attention he gets; it is no great boon to him... He's a surprisingly passive guy, and he lacks motivation seemingly, to do much... A normal boy would be more proactive and cashing in on the social clout, would be making attempts at having a gf?? But he seems to have negative interest in any such thing... only doing 'the bare minimum' and getting by. Listless in his own way, but more dead-eyed about it, and able to perform 'well enough'. I think he detaches from everything and doesn't inhabit his emotions and thoughts very much at all anymore... Which is easier than being emotionally wrought, like Tomoko is. She is desperate and needy, vying for a solution to her misery... Which is challenging for Tomoki. He doesn't want, nee-chan to, greatly suffer, either, he's just... bitter. She really does make it more complicated by acting out tastelessly, and uhh, being willing to do things like, threaten suicide/self-harm fjfhhsh... I think he cannot remotely gauge how sincere or insincere she is, moment to moment, which makes her frustrating to give an inch...

... buuuut, Tomoko is very unwell and deprived, and I think it's fair to say that from HER perspective, everything is going well for Tomoki, and he doesn't even 'need her anymore'... It is unbelievably frustrating to her that he just brings friends over, is seemingly effortlessly popular, but not even doing anything 'with it'... Incel rage!! I think it has to manifest in calling him derogatory things like, soccer cock. And well I do think he ought to be more noble and sacrifice his ego for nee-chan's sake... She really needs the help. The fact that their mom has started to treat her poorly and dislikes her behavior sucks... Labeled the Problem Child, in a way. She's just terribly lonely... and self-hating... I really think touch, intimacy, sex, would fix her. If Tomoki thinks she's, attractive, he kind of owes her all of that,,,, but yk, easier said than done.

In the end, me and Avvy workshopped multiple situations where Tomoko ended up in a psych ward... In one instance, due to fucking around too much with self-aphyxiation, being found passed out & rushed to a hospital, and deemed as having attempted suicide. Also have explored her having a genuine psychotic break, with varying results, I know in one path she was having a major debacle with her mom and Tomoki stepped in, and in that instance got attacked physically by her (clawed his face real good, got him in the eye...) The point of these were kind of, to force Tomoki to recognize just HOW unwell Tomoko was, and how he'd have to stop being stoic if he wanted to see her better, or even be able to still live with her...

More chicanery based RPs were things like, Tomoko accidentally emailing Tomoki a piss video of herself... We prefer to work in the earlier series 'timeline' bc I do not care for when they introduce 10 random girls or w/e, but there was a scenario in later manga where some girls are over and trying to. Give him a boner but just. Can't. But we thought about this veering into actual sexual harassment towards him and his antisocial siscon ass just vomiting in panic, which leads to Tomoko intervening... and the two having to, investigate, if he has a borked sexuality or what... Que Tomoko having to introduce her brother to sex media. :) Boy has she got you.

That's just a generalized idea of it but... [waves] Hopefully fun to read... I like how unwell Tomoko is and want to give it due respect in exploration... I feel like Tomoki is maladaptive as well, and has an aching romantic heart (... buried deep in there...) which is something to struggle to unearth... It is a challenge but it is stimulating. The idea that a boy's first kiss and first wuv was his older sister and he's struggling with the fallout... kawaii. Nee-chan is a sex pest and does not think romantically so that's another issue.,, ,,, ,, You don't want her to feel validated that you are a 'siscon' because kfjdgh it's more special than that-!!!!! [cry]

Hm what else... I have thought about them at a younger age messing, but only vaguely... It's not impossible but, AMUSINGLY, I like to think their relationship was rather simplistic when they were very young, because they were both childish and braindead... I think about young Kurokis forreals just bug hunting and playing leapfrog together. LOVING to do it, play all day, eat shaved ice, but not,,, able to,,, conceptualize more... Sex pheromones not hit them yet. But hm I still think something could percolate... Middle school Tomoko esp is appealing to smink about... She's becoming chuuni after all.

That's all I have to say...! (‾◡◝)

fwahahaha I feel like you must be a new follower or something................ this is known WHIM lore. Or at least by no means a secret, kind of thing (I feel like often enough in my streams, I put on some taytay...) Maybe it seems to contrast all the indie and esoteric stuff (if you're aware of that? I'm actually curious what your impression of my music taste was...) In any case, the explanation is rather simple: I have a broad music taste, and I like many things~ (´ ▽ ` )

Before I get into what I like about Taylor's stuff, I feel like I could add some context... When I was young, I would say that I was rather sheletered and didn't have much of an understanding of what music even... existed? I feel like I only knew what played on the radio, and the one or two CDs that incidentally wound up in my position. (And... I swear said CDs were like, a Paulina Rubio album, and that album that is Disney kidstars doing pop covers of songs from their movies...? wwww)

It took me a long time to realize that you could listen to music On the Internet, and I had to be taught by a friend of mine in middle school. Said friend was a gay guy who listened to a lot of Lady Gaga, Kesha, Marina and the Diamonds etc. When I am close to someone, I tend to absorb their music taste like a sponge, so I wound up listening to a lot of pop girlie music for years. Mind you I don't bemoan this, I genuinely liked what I listened to, but I did not have a real idea of other types of music lolll... I was about 16-17 when my boyfriend at the time + his roommates happened to listen to indie rock, so I was exposed to that. I think around then, I started sniffing around 8tracks playlists for OTPs, and that'ssss when I really start sampling Weird Stuff. Like Whoa... This Music Is Different. *brain gets Slightly bigger*

Then I became friends with Avvy when I was 18 and, I admired Her so much, I absorbed any recommendation she gave me, eagerly. Compared to all my prior experiences, Avvy's music taste was soo unique & stimulating & enriching. She really values lyrics and meaning, which I had not really experienced before! It meant that when she shared me songs, it often came with notes about why she liked it, and what her favorite parts were... So there's this beautiful harmony of, my love and admiration for Avvy giving me a Lot of investment in what she gets out of the song, and the song itself is Unlike Anything I Have Ever Heard, transcendent. After so many years together, I've leeched tons of music from Avvy. So most of the Cooler, more Interesting stuff I like is because of her HAHA.

(Sorry for the ramble, I have an emotion of 'credit where credit is due'. If there is any impression of me being artful or interesting, it's really Because of Avvy. She uhh genuinely has made me a more thoughtful, introspective person. I would say she taught me how to derive more meaning from things, and how to find what it is I even like, for myself... TL;DR I owe Avvy any semblence of my maturity and eccentricness.)

Now rewind again... to a WHIM before Avvy's influence, and, also way before anyone else's influence. Placid baby WHIM listening to the radio in his room by his lonesome self. That WHIM, he just hears Taylor Swift's 'Love Story' come on, and his organic response is... 'Wow, this song is soo beautiful... 🥺 *sniff sniff*' I really just, hear 'You Belong With Me' and I'm like 'ah... I really get why that girl must feel that... she is in love........ *sigh* I want to be in love someday....' ⬅️ I almost dunno what else to say, that's how he was. I would imagine AMVs in my head for my OCs to this. Just spacing out like uhhhrhhh pulled out a ring and said... MARRY ME ahhhhhhh~ [the power of story entering my mind] ... and it's hardly changed since then, I just seem to rawly enjoy her music and lyricism. I'm a simple guy, I like hearing a girl talk about her feelings while she plays guitar. I think her songs cover a range of like... pining, longing, wistfulness.... bitter, wallowing, pettiness... playful, flirty, getting in-your-face... egocentric, crazy, unapologetic, er but also burdened with self-awarenss 'like yeah, I Suck'... I like all these emotions!! :) I am down for all of it, really.

I believe 1989 is the album where I really keyed into liking her, more consciously, not just passive radio listens. But I shrimply really enjoyed the hits from it, Bad Blood, Shake It Off, Blank Space, Style.... I guess this is when they go from being 'I Like It' to 'ughh I like it And it makes me Horny'... I'm basic lol I really enjoy the vibes of Style esp... I guess it doesn't even have to be the most relatable or relevant to my own experiences, to feel such a thing, I can just appreciate whatever Taylor is drawing insp from. These feelings, I enjoy being spectator of. Do go on about wanting a guy and taking off clothes. [folds hands.]

I am Aware of course, that many people find the reputation era very cringe, tasteless or w/e, but I guess this is where idrgaf about music industry drama, so I don't pay attention to that part... It doesn't actually matter to me what celebrities are arguing or who is dating who. I do not......... care, I just engage with music separately from that. It's either an interesting song or it isn't. I can't like research every single thing I listen to and I don't want to omg. (Because in reality I'm sure lots of music gets made surrounding drama... beefs...?? Music is personal like that... It's just a matter of how public some of it is right?) Whatever the case, I live under a rock and barely keep track of pop culture so I kind of have this blissful experience where I'm listening to End Game and I'm just like yeah man I love an egotistical boast... [is vain and egotistical myself] 🎶BIG REPUTATION!! BIIIG REPUTATION!!!!!!🎶🕺 Obviously I like Look What You Made Me Do as just, a song about being evilll and crazy (there was actually a good AMV about Fern someone made to it that I still think about...) I like Ready For It (I enjoy her rapping!), I Did Something Bad (why's it feel so good... yeah girl), Don't Blame Me (VERY FUN and again Yes... LOVE MADE ME CRAZY!!! So true), Delicate (really sweet sounding!)

Getaway Car fsr makes me so manic, I love to work out to it... Go so hard on the exercise bike to this... and conceptually pretty interesting, acknowledging the uh nature of jumping relationships, being unreliable due to having done that in the first place w this person... I respect it. Ugh I get like brain tinglies when I listen... HIT YOU LIKE A SHOT-GUN SHOT TO THE HEART !!!!!! [clutches chest...] us traitorsss never wiinnnn.... [rolling around...] Hm you know, I like musical songs because, I like to 'act out' the lyrics physically, doing hand gestures, posing my body, tuning my expression, and I definitely get this sort of satisfaction from this track....

Dancing With Our Hands Tied, another that makies me horneh... I think it's the pace and feel, makes me think about having intense eye contact with someone across a room, circling each other, lots of tension in the air.... A friend of mine put this on a ship playlist of theirs and it really spun my brain around. 9.9 Like nyuerrrrr... STIMULATES ME! On a similar note, King of My Heart has an energy like that too, though it also gives me heart flutters... 💞 Oscillating between tension and infatuation.... 💞~Change my priorities~...💞 hehhe.... Gives me major zoomies!

.... [becomes self-aware] I'm being too molecular, gomen, I won't keep doing this, because this will be a novel by the end of it... I feel like you Get the Idea now... Uhh. I really enjoyed Lover-!!!!!! Amazing album amazing aesthetic makes me also squeal and kick and binky. I made a Miraculous Ladybug AMV set to The Archer LMAO! I love soo many tracks from this album, 10/10, perfect title song too.. I really enjoyed folklore and evermore both, though I binge folklore hardest between the two. Also oddly good for doing exercise to, the last great american dynasty has that theatrical quality I enjoy, mirrorball can tighten my throat and make me feel like crying... Ugh but I must be extremely grateful for coney island bc it is a collab with The National, who I think meshes really well with her-!! (Not on her album, but their collab on the track The Alcott is also amazing. You could brand and the last thing you wanted, is the first thing I do into my body.) Um umm... Midnights, Good, overall not as Potent as some others for me, but it did give me Anti-Hero (? which might've been my most played song last year...) SO!!!!! I have no critiques. And then The Tortured Poets Department came out this year and I really liked it and binged it all! I would say the first 4 tracks are heaven I want to live in them in a loop.

So there you have it. I really like her! Really for realsies. Not a joke not a bit!! I was in the top whatever percent of her listeners on spotify one year so I got some coupon to buy a shirt from her store and I have that shirt and I wear that shirt regularly! !! !!! I do not really bother to get band/muscician tees but I would get more of hers if the opportunity came my way & the design was appealing. I don't really care about music tours but I've emotionally reblogged clips of her Eras tour. I'm so serious man I am not trolling anyone with this. Because, why would I, it's embarrassing and it makes me feel stupid LOL there's nothing to gain from such a thing............ It is simply my reality.

Destined to be a basic...

[scuttles off to resume my hibernation] 🐛

(For context, here's the ask Avvy answered, that anon is referencing.)

And also for context 2, yes, he is a Chara kinnie. We are matchies, and I do see Avvy as... my Azzy! And have for years. 🤍 [waves paws around] Ohh, but you know– it's interesting because, I got into UT / kinned Chara before I knew Avvy... So my feelings have changed over the course of knowing each other?

When I first played back in 2015, my most immediate feelings were just ones of... agony, sadness, for Chara and Asriel both. Regardless of relating to Chara, I didn't actually have much of a bias, I think I pitied them equally. Neither of them asked for this fate... And, oh, you know, it feels as though there was a lot unsaid... Could Chara really understand how much Asriel loved them? Could Asriel know what Chara really felt about his inability to follow through with the plan? Here they are, finally reuniting, both 'too far-gone' tampered beings living far past when they should... There's this absolutism in Chara's decision to end everything, simply cannot leave them to persist as they are. There's always an air of pragmatism to them, like, it's better this way. This simply made me feel doomful and forlorn.

I pined for an alternate ending, a moment where Chara 'snaps' back and crumbles to knees and apologizes to Asriel, who forgives profusely. (... it embarrasses me, but you can look upon an old drawing where exactly that is happening...) It was a meager comfort though, it kind of felt like, a fantasy I knew would never come to pass. I know like... you would think, the power of art/fandom is all about exploring possibilities, but I find that it really matters whether or not I personally believe in that possibility. It's like being unable to soothe a fear in your heart or something... *mutter mutter*

In general I would say my initial engagement of UT had this quality of... 'I'm sorry, please forgive me'. I was very lonely at the time and coming out of a bad relationship, so I think it all adds up. Some sort of endless grovel emotion. Er, but, fwiw, I always have an edgelord streak and, I was flagrantly horny for the mistreatment Asriel puts you through in the game lol, so... It's not like it was all pure misery, I had my fun when I could. There were certainly aspects of No Mercy Route that allured me... Thought a lot about the melding of Frisk/Chara's mind, as one progresses, the body feeling quite possessed, caked in injuries, own blood, and dust...

Once I had Avvy in my life, I had a more solid sense of... Security? In being loved by Asriel-? Even before we directly engaged in UT together, I think just having a euphoric love really helped unknot my brain in ways. So by ~2018 I was able to engage with No Mercy Route aspects with more flamboyance, uhmm, like moreso enjoying the messed-up state that Chara is in by it, and the interplay of them and Asriel, as they near the end. The building excitement as the underground is wiped, as they near their goal, but also Asriel's impending doom... I think I was able to fetishize the, uh, feeling of being a bear-trap for my lover. When before it felt like a curse, a sad reality. I still thought about alternate events where Asriel doesn't get killed, and the two linger and speak to one another.

More years pass... I would say the modern era is like, WOO yeah, woo, able to engage wholly with the ending. Emotions present: Lol, that me. THE DEMON WHO COMES WHEN YOU CALL ITS NAME... I think it's apt to see it as Chara's parallel to God of Hyperdeath, it feels like some peak delusion, manifest. Becoming something worse than either human or monster alike...? But of course, that was always the fate, it explains everything-!! It all makes sense... hahaha. I suppose I can more vividly feel the... hazy, hot, feverishness that comes with this warped mind, the confidence, the certainty to make the call, to kill everyone, the way this really makes sense and is for the best. =) Loving Asriel still, fond and pitying him, for what he can't help, but kind of ascended past any ability to feel things suchas frustration at him; he's a poor confused dummy. *affectionate, sweet tone...* It's not his job to understand.

It is still an easily brambly state of mind though. Chara is just er, very self-hating, even when they're wiling out, that kind of takes precedence; a lot of self-repulsion and species dysphoria that is rampant in them. I think the descent into No Mercy Route is filled with internal squabbling, reaming self, scolding self for being selfish and terrible. The initial disgust is like, look at you, you're SO VERY human, of course you would return only to cause the maximum amount of pain and misery!! A major defeat, but also an inevitability, mind breaking experience. So art of this phase is very vent-y still... but uhm, I would say with more interest in the suffering? The meta awareness that it's hot to be this crazy and that Asriel likes how scary I am lol? Or Something. *shrugs...*

I would also say that my 'what if we recognized each other and aborted the route' desires have now been shifted to Pacifist Route... I think that epiphany makes more sense here? With a less erroded mind. In the void, alone with Asriel, after the God of Hyperdeath confrontation. I want that hug to be like, reunited lovers lol, ASRIEL!!! Shrieks from lungs... I DON'T WANT TO LET GO! EITHER!!! And my newfound appreciation for selfishness means I kind of love the concept of um...? Just, letting Asriel keep all the souls of the monsters underground to power his body lol. The 'power of friendship' giving Frisk enough drive to get through the events of the confrontation with Asriel, to out-Determination him, to bring him down from his mega tantrum... but. The power of Chara's love for Asriel trumping everything, after the entire experience. Wishing to be together again No Matter What. I like how it would parallel No Mercy Route in uh, turning the underground into,, empty, wasteland, but less MISERABLY? Not slaughtering everyone but instead everyone kind of being sacrificed to bring the prince back, so him and his best friend could go to the surface together. Kind of interesting way for them to be the Angel, both saving and destroying everyone? I'd like to think everyone's wills would just be assimilated into Asriel over time slowly... Serene and peaceful end for Chara and Asriel after all their struggle, but hauntingly at the cost of everyone else ww.

↑ Tangent, but it's related to how my feelings have evolved over time. Overall... I feel less... guilt. I understand my center and focus is Asriel no matter what, so I can accept anything within that context. The world of the game kind of... revolves around, us, so. Feels fair. All the theatre that occurs is just an exploration of our feelings about one another, and we accept everything we do to one another. =) ❤️

A couple factors...! You know when I first started going by Bird, it wasn't my name IRL, but now it's been so many yaers, essentially it has fully integrated into my life... And I must say, it kind of feels odd to go by what I hear IRL constantly?? I wonder if it's just how my brain is trained but, I don't actually want to be referred to online by the same thing I hear from like, medical staff ww, it doesn't feel 'quite right'...

Though really, he is the sort of boy who likes to change names in general, like a new coat of paint. I like to have multiple names too... Lately I also like going by 雨井 (Amai), which can be shortened to Ame or Ama freely. Kind of sates my Amane kinnie brain, and is cute and flexible enough for JP spaces. He likes the thought of being called LOOM as well... purely theoretical but, he thinks of such things!

I've watched it yus, multiple times actually... I would say it is something I like to revisit. It is inspiring when it comes to like, unique worldbuilding, being immersed in something that operates with it's own defined logic/aesthetic. It even intrigues me, the way it's dystopian, well I do think that the idea of, life/self/identity/memories would be different, if bodies could be created, destroyed, transferred... I like all the ways we explore it. The planet (Apiba?) where bodies are soo commodified, obsessing on trends of the latest hot designer, bodies being constantly tossed out and rechurned into the new ones... I like seeing things taken to that extreme! It's garish and abstract feeling. Oh and of course, I like the episode itself, I do get emo about Patch's situation, poor thing... I appreciate the way we get taken through vignettes upon different planets, with different individual's lives; I think the eps that still get to me are Patch's, Chroniko's, the windmill keeper obaa-chan and her twin sons... Still work up tears over it...

The soundtrack is beautiful... The OP alone, honestly does sting my heart, both the lyrics and the visuals, hands reaching out... It's sf elegant and evocative, I'm impressed by it... Me and Avvy like to listen to the song itself ('Never') and contemplate ships sometimes, it's soo 💕💕💕 big feefees....

As for the central plot & boy himself, I think what keeps Kaiba compelling is that it's about a ROMANCE!! I do care less for the political intrigue and big space battle at the end (as you can imagine...) but Warp and Neiro's saga makes me emo!! My absolute favorite episode is simply the one where we finally get to see their meeting! The titular 'Kaiba'... Feel like I could rewatch that one endlessly!! How it all came to be... it's so sweet, it makes me feel basic... I like that Neiro named him, I like the significance of both names really... The plant Kaiba is named after itself, I believe it consumes memories, so that's an interesting in-world reason... But I like the baggage that hangs around Warp, and his position as royalty, seen as a cruel ruler of the world. The contrast of his life vs. Neiro's (disadvantaged girl...), and the way they connect while he is in this amnesiac state, very fairytale-like to me. Stimulates me... Also I feel great devastation for Hyohyo and her fate makes me a lil scream man. I wish to save her.

The style isn't perfect for me (like... the design sensibilities, a bit too Shapes and silly in ways to be like super horny for...) but it's appealing still, the simplicity, yet sense of volume, enjoyable.. One of those cases where the animation itself really makes it pleasing to watch, it's great to see in motion...

Overall, it's the sort of thing that doesn't create 'fandom' emotion, but I value it...! I like what it presents... glad it exists! It's of course nice when an anime is both visually distinct, but also relevant enough to my tastes... I think there's lots of, unique, artistic ventures made in anime, but their subjects or focus can't really hook me... So-!! Really really happy Kaiba exists and I can enjoys it! ( ˙꒳​˙ )

Not rude to ask about my OCs/sonas and such... Perfectly relevant! (゜▽゜*)♪ His name is Covet yes, the fella in my current pinned. I've talked about him in the past, but to summarize, I'll repost the more thorough description I've written on my IB upload...

"Years ago, around 2018(?), I made an attempt to design a sona that represented my 'dream self'. In my dreams, I have have a reoccurring set of behaviors and powers, and engage with things as an omniscient force. My dream self is... jarringly different from myself, and cruel in what I would describe as, an ostentatious and eccentric way. IRL, I'm kind of a meek guy, and most of my life I've been pretty weak-willed. It kind of fascinates me that my unconscious brain is so chaotic. I do think of myself as being arrogant and egotistical deep down, so I suppose I can't control that this is how that reflects in my subconscious space.

All that being said, my last attempts at designing a form for that dream self were so-so. They were OK, but didn't feel complete. I never revisited those first few sketches. More recently, I've felt inspired by a character I've come to kin in the past year, and art made by eastern artists of interesting sphinxes. Combining all of these elements... and it's starting to feel more 'right'! His name is Covet.

Covet can float, 'clip' through walls, and alter his environment with his mind. He could shake the ground, turn night to day, and even squeeze your heart within your body, with a flick of the wrist. His form can alter freely, with different lengths of his limbs, neck, horns, ears. Abstractly, at times, he can have overlaying extra eyes and mouths, kind of 'glitching' over themselves. His coloration can also vary, though typically it stays in a range of red, black, white and grey.

I also designed a little captive girlie for him to hoard, a sona for my wife to pair with him. She's based on her dream self, who is, incidentally, often more helpless and meek. Her name is Pluck. As Covet has access to various worlds and dream spaces, he one day came across her and fell in love with this creature, paddling around an aquatic environment, simply eating detritus. The world outside of Pluck's former home is overwhelming and scary, however, so she must be constantly attended to and kept in his custody. Covet is glad for the arrangement, and wouldn't have it any other way.

In-between things, Covet is able to shrink her down into a tiny, reduced form, and keeps her asleep inside a bubble (comparable to Mew's bubble we see her in.) He carries her inside himself, opening up his ribcage and tucking her against his organs. She occupies physical space inside, so the bubble compresses and pushes against his heart and lungs. From within, she can hear the muffled sound of his heart beating against the bubble, and the wooshing of his lungs inhaling and exhaling breath. Blood rushing past, and so on. It is a soothing experience."

What more I could tell you about Covet... well, I've yet to settle on his origins (when I made him, I was mostly focused on representing the specialties of Dream Bird, who simply Exists as he Is.) But lately I have dwelled on a time when Covet was a mortal being, perhaps something more withdrawn and plagued by nightmares. I considered this past self being named 'Pine', and being a sphinx as well, though... I'm now considering that he was actually a human before, but has simply lost all those memories. There would have been an ascension into what he is now... Accidentally? Without awareness? Metamorphosing into this dream demon... I do think Covet, as he is 'currently', lacks certain emotions... He's completely without empathy and guilt. A genuine lack of complexity in that way... I think he is a cruder version of his past self, who had a full range of emotions, and was entirely hobbled by them.

Covet doesn't have goals... he doesn't have a masterplan or a reason why he traverses dreams. When he hurts others, it is wanton, and he forgets it immediately.... No lessons to learn. Again, meant to represent a self within dreams, so I think he can't think with a coherent awake mind, has the rogueness of a dream... Perpetual motion machine. He collects experiences in a slow manner, they steadily seep into his mind and effect him. I don't think he can pause and reflect on memories...

Loving Pluck is supernatural and unique. She's the only thing that he treasures and is gentle with, consistently. There's an inability to discard this... While you might think he would crazily tear he to pieces and toy with her all day, I think he is honestly exceedingly mindful of her bubble in his body, and super protective. He is able to understand this is a delicate creature and handles with care. Not that he doesn't play with her at all lol, I think of him rolling the bubble in his hands, squeeshing, perhaps floating around like a seal underwater with a ball sometimes. I think he could be forceful in some ways, he's definitely her like... governing authority and she could not escape him. She's kept lulled in a sleep by his doing, to keep her peaceful. It might be hard to understand but I think he could only do things if she approved of it or liked it in some way...

I think Pluck could come to communicate with Covet psychically though. She's Mew-like, in my mind... despite looking the way she is, very special, something with great potential, cosmic... Their minds radiate and tingle and stimulate the other. They respond to one another like... electrons... pulses and flashes... raw instinct, not thought.... Clicks and whirrs.

´• ᴥ •` and that's my story

While I'm flattered in the interest, I'm not very capable of doing things like tutorials💦 Making graphics and explaining things that way, not my strongsuit, and I don't really have the time or motivation atm... 🙇‍♂️ I don't think I do anything that particular with mouths myself, mostly I just really like tension of the skin around lips, what pinches when one snarls, neers, wrinkles their face etc. I like gums being exposed... Though nowadays I've been trying to be more modest with mouths, as I like things with petite/short feeling snoots, I want to preserve the prettiness of that, and not get lost in the mouth encompassing too much of the face. Bc a higher percentage of mouth might accidentally make the face more proportionally jaw than I want... I'd prefer eyes taking up more real-estate. Just some things on my mind lately, idk if that's helpful but.............. !! !!!! *smiles dumbly.*

I was Team Chaos-!! Let be known, between these broad concepts, I feel next to nothing about 'order', I am le edgelord who dgaf about society and acceptability haha. I'm a hedonist! I think everyone should do as they please. Let it rain blood n bones ahhh...

Er, but I'm not really the person to ask to design a 'fest... Until recently, I didn't even know that the finalfests had influence over the next games lol, what a bizarre thing-! I can't account for this... And I have no sensibilities for what people would like... It seems everyone loved the Grandfest and was posting videos of it happily, sentimental and crying about it all, meanwhile I just kind of felt underwhelmed and didn't care , but how to say......... I'm not someone who cares about music fests omg, and I'm not playing the game for the idols at all... But I should emphasize that I didn't hate grandfest at all, it was FUN to PLAY matches, I thought tricolor was fun, I had a good time, I'm just... umm. I'm just a real Harpoon (anti-social squid!!!) so the aspect where it's a big party dinks off my body. I'm just here to play sport. And win.

If I really pressed my brain, I'd prefer the topics be more like Chaos vs Order, because I think it's more interesting to see people choose between such things... and yet, I sit here, completely unable to think of something equivalent... ._. [brain churning] 🧠💭 Life... vs Death ⬅ See that's not anything, we can't work with that. Or could we [thinks about it.] Well it would be EXtremely funny to have a 'fest themed over like demons n angels or something, I'd let everyone be like grim reapers and angels and I'd want the t-shirts to be more involved... They'd come with attached angel and devil wings...

Wait this is a good segue at least, my biggest dreams for Splatoon is literally just more customization... I'm of the believe this game hinges on the fact that you can dress your little dollie up, the fashion element is SO important. When I sit around dreaming of Splatoon 4 literally all I do is sit there like.. please, GOD let us have, scars... Heterochromia would be HUGE... Don't just add a couple hair styles, add like 10 new ones please!! God!!! And I want to be have more details that are purely cosmetic and don't tie to gear. I want more options for bottoms, I want skirts, I want LONG skirts, I want socks!! Tall socks, legwarmers, thick knit socks, stripey socks, slay thigh-highs, patterned tights, them lil sock garters. Many thing!! I wish the system was robust enough to mix and match elements... If I want to take THESE gloves and put them with THIS jacket.... I want to be able to wear multiple accessories on the head, you just should be able to select which one you actually want to count for abilities. Say you want the abilities of the hat, then you could stack glasses and face masks purely cosmetically...

It'd be fun to be able to tinker with your expression more often... If your character is more squinty, or eyes always lidded, or really pinprick pupils stare. O_O Smiley, or foosi, hrmnn I wish the animations could be more customized to your personality, I want to be able to be like... 'No, my character would never smile while running around with this weapon...' Also since people are playing with their friends all the time, we should be able to do lil gestures between each other, like do a handshake, fist-bump, hug, dance together, MANY THING, I wish it was soo focused on being able to play pretend with each other LOL... I think people are making due with what they have, stitching together footage, coordinating with friends, but I wish it was easier for all of us... I wish app integration was all about, fashion, being able to have a dollmaker you can tinker with on your phone, easily take screenshots, built in filters... An interface that's more user-friendly than what they have rn (it feels abit difficult for a dummy like me...)

My greatest priorities. My next wave of desires is more variable stages, with more interesting design, I know they have to be Functional and stripped down because we're just rats in a maze, but still... I felt really let down by how Splatoon 3 was going to be Wastelands but then it really felt like... mrhh, normal city, normal super populated modernized feeling stages... I know we have Scorch Gorge but that is not enough for me lol, I wish everything was on theme at LEAST... While I doubt the game could ever be that customizable (utter pipedream...) I'm at least hoping splat4 could at leastttt lean into it's aesthetic hard enough... I'd really like it to be feudal japan lol, give me that aesthetic full boor... I'm at this point where I'm like he it wouldn't have to be that unique or original tbh, I'd just enjoy seeing a very cohesive aesthetic,,, not so modern and sleek, please...! If ninty could do me that much... 😮‍💨

For these two, I've always seen them as naturally being drawn away from the arena over time, which comes with an increase of risk. I would say they both desire more intense consequences of harm, and seek it mutually, but also aren't thinking entirely about how this could go 'too far'.

Going on a tangent (sort of) (it's related) but, I think of inklings on the whole as desensitized to violence, and lacking a complete understanding of their own mortality. They're recreationally popping each other all the time — there's just a lot of rules & structures in place to allow this — but it's easy to become so used to it as a baseline. Part 2 of what complicates this, is that inklings are quite resilient, able to withstand a lot on their body, with an impressive regenerative ability. Even without a respawner, you could come back from something near-fatal, I think the 'point of no return' is harder to cross.

While I would say Harpoon and Ruki are a little more contemplative than your average inkling, they are just stupid thrill-seeking teens. And the feedback loop of harming/being harmed is something euphoric, easy to lean into, as opposed to forging direct communication (which they are bad at.) It's a way to express passion and interest, without having to say anything... I think they can both start to feel as though their relationship simply doesn't need to be anything other than this. It feels so good, better than anything they've ever experienced, so they want to keep pressing the Feel Good button. Just as well, Harpoon is egotistical and greatly enabled by Ruki's complete submission to him, she will not balk at him as he bulldozes forward with her. It sets a precedent for worse treatment lol, as he can endlessly get away with doing, anything to her. And she'll allow it. And clearly like it. So, problem.

To get into specifics, I used to imagine them in arenas after hours, though in kind of derelict crevices, Behind the walls and partitions for the proper matches. But nowadays with Avvy, we've come up with a setting that fills this function; a building explicitly for 1v1 matches called the Fingerling Frontlines. It's supposed to be for young self-conscious sploons, it's a bit run-down, not so glamorous, as the town they live in (Whale Fall) is quite small in scale/population. (Nowhere near the size of Inkopolis...) They'd move here for privacy, renting out the space for hours, just to have intense matches where the only objective really is that Harpoon is going to pursue Ruki all about with his e-liter. There's no objective with like, turf or her retaliating; they have no need for that. Like this, Harpoon also doesn't have to shy away from doing things like, yanking her, pinning her to the ground, which would be totally illegal in a normal match. Using both his hands and the 'liter in various ways, trip her, step on her, pin her, drive the tank into her body, bash her head, etc. There's so much interplay at this point... and only a desire to push it further!!

This is when things get dangerous basically, as you start to get into... freely restraining and stringing her up, choking her... gutting her with a knife. Purposefully shutting down any respawners available at the place, for the purpose of drawing things out as much as possible. Again, she could live through a lot, they could really push the bounds of what is OK... I think when Harpoon 'breaks', it's a moment of passion, compulsion to do something crazy to her, like cut her throat, or continuously bash her head into the ground, or reach his hands into her body and squeeze her heart himself. It's mostly a 'with hands', very close-range feeling thing. I think beaks are quite sharp and he could rip her apart with teefers even, aourhh, many things... Ruki could bleed out and that's that...

I always imagine for Ruki it's more of a serene feeling, accepting wholly she is going to die.. Even if there was some primal panic beforehand, ultimately she accepts this as Harpoon's decision, of what to do with her life. She's happy to be given a sense of purpose... doing something for him. She's not able to worry about being missed. As for Harpoon, it's a lot more complicated for him, as it's... both unfathomably satisfying to the crazy possessive sadist brain (took her life, forever...) but also devastating, all that he couldn't do for her, all that he didn't know about her; it'll crash down upon him. Complicated feelings of remorse... What's wrong with him? (And yet not entirely able to regret doing it, and couldn't say he wouldn't do it again?? If he could.) It's rough. To get this far I just imagine they have not consummated, not kissed or nothin', a kind of tragedy that they couldn't get further in this. Harpoon does not last long after, taking his life, as a form of atonement & not leaving Ruki alone. Shinjuu vibes... Sometimes I think of him immediately offing himself, other times lingering and going through Ruki's apartment, belongings, and (depending on the circumstance) keeping her body. Any number of things. But ultimately he will die too. There's nothing for him after this.

Sad of course, but I think there's also ways Harpoon feels a kind of... poetic acceptance of this as an end for them, as a conclusion of their natures. Maybe it couldn't be more than this... I think in the end, it's better to have experienced this together, than lived life without her. Just one of many possible timelines.

Hahaha... Don't worry, I really was delighted to hear harpooki be referred to as Avvy's OCs, it's still tickling me to no end... She's taken so much responsibility of them... they're hers now............. (cackles)

Oh but ah, actually another detail is, I helped Avvy construct the playlist she posted, so I stand wholly by her picks. We exchange music back and forth freely, and discuss lyrics, meaning, we basically worked on this together. Her choices are my choices...

But what I can say is that since then, we've thought of a couple more songs to add, so-!

Thingamajig by Miya Folick
A capacity of groveling, lowly emotions, letting someone do anything to you, that I think Ruki is capable of... I really love how soft and aching this song is.

If you want to be angry
I don’t mind, I’ll let you go
If you want to be angry
I don’t mind, I’ll leave you alone

I am sorry
I know I am wrong

So take it all
I want to be out of control
So take it all
I want to be out of control

Only you know what to do now
Only you know what to do

Strange Darling by Miya Folick
For Harpoon, who finds his own feelings new, surprising, and at times unreliable (from a lack of experience with intimacy...) He's so often distant, Ruki makes him curious about his own response to her though. Just a sweet song really... boy in love.

Nothing ever ends the way you thought it would when you started
This song's not gonna be what it seems to me now
And no one ever is what my instinct told me when I first met them
Except for you, maybe
I thought you were the strangest thing
Except for you, darling

And have my feet ever led my mouth to water?
What is it that made them lead me to you?
And have my eyes ever feasted so fully?
Or just on you
I think you’re the strangest thing
Or just on you, darling?

Memory Palace by Angelo De Augustine
Uahh really makes me think about the angst, malaise, misanthropy both of them can experience on their own... A sense of helplessness. But I like that this is contrasted by the emotion brought out by each other. The aspect where they met as children means there's a kind of unconscious yearning at times. Someone you've been waiting for...?

On my own
I've got nowhere to roam
Options disappearing
Reveling in oblivion
Voices calling the game
I lent them my name with desire to know
How long will you endure
If you're all I'm waiting for?
[...]

A life where we find out
Why you're all I dream about
[...]

Mausoleum
Life inscribed into stone
Malice counterbalanced
A millennium regrettable
Voices frail and vain slept in the wind and the rain
Laid to rest evermore
No hurt left to endure
Being all I've waited for

Like a Pen by The Knife
Just very good for overall harpooki vibesszzz~

Sharpen my body like a pen
Come on, I need to show it
Something too small for a lens
If I rub it, if I wipe it
Guiding with one single hand
Nothing's wrong, you like the feeling
I am all over the land
Come on, I need to show it

Back on the mountain again
I was standing watching seasons
You're now my only friend
I'm too heavy, I'm the burden
Sitting and picking on myself
It's a shiny, shiny morning
And when the light finds my eye
I'll be fleeting like a scent

I hold my breath and then count to three
On and on, outworn
Must be five hundred degrees
Can't sail on, outworn

(～￣▽￣)～ enjoy....

Interesting questionnn... It's almost tricky for me to define my 'first art' with kissing/touching, because we'd have to define the sense of 'accomplishment'... When I describe being really frustrated with my own skill, I was ~14-18 for that, and agonized about not being able to feel as though I was getting anywhere with my pieces... but I had technically drawn kissing/touching repeatedly during those years... and I had even done it as a child haha. A lot of my art in the single digits was of twee love stories happening between animals, like... two squirrels falling in love, kissing, having babies, nursing babies, it was all like this. Little bobbleheads pressing their snouts together in a kiss, a heart above them. Of course... as I aged, I started to desire things outside of my skill level. Thus commence my agony over my art.

While I'm here, I'll mention I vividly remember my first real drawing of Sex. It was when I was 11, in the 6th grade, hunched over a little notebook that functioned as a diary of mine. I drew my human OCs at the time, as a plusle and minun having sex... somewhat inspired by a comic/animation I had seen online (that was a joke about, magnetism or wtfever, but my brain was like 💦 ssssex...) It was entirely crude, on par with my depictions of kissing at the time; just two chibi creatures in doggystyle position. But was very bold in my mind. Ahhh... he's fucking herrrr.... I'm drawinggg the mating, not just the babies that result in it...

From then on you can imagine many haphazard attempts at sex, kiss, touch, that feel flimsy and immaterial. Years of this, crying, etc etc. Because I was miserable about my skill, I'm not sure when I felt as though I actually 'managed' it — it didn't feel as though it happened with a singular piece... I had to make an overall improvement in my art, to feel better. I'd say at 18-19, I felt as though I could finally pose bodies and draw humans. I remember pieces like this feeling like a major improvement to my history of drawing humans as stick figures. But ehh it took being 21-22 to actually feel more competent, consistently enough... I don't have many examples readily on hand but this at least conveys a casual/looseness with interactions... More confidence?? Overall you could say. I started doing commissions more often around then as well, which I would say further trained my muscles for depicting various kinds of intimacy.

I would say the overall positive feeling of having improved at this... Is extremely satisfying. I find that there's a lot more satisfaction looking back and reminiscing on pieces especially... Perhaps it's less explosively 'in the moment' euphoria, but rather, a lot of lasting self-satisfaction, pride, in what has been accomplished... I like seeing things I did 2, 5, 7 years ago, that still make me go 'yesss I was on it!!' 'this is so crazy of me lol' 'this rules...' And I feel as though I can so often think, me as a kid would be soo into this... He would be agog at what I do now... He'd appreciate both the skills to execute them and the raw concepts.... It'd blow his mind.

Which feels verrry good to think about... I still have my low points, of feeling crude and not very capable, but there's plenty of positive moments to make up for it. ٩(｡•́‿•̀｡)۶