Please please please don't kill or harm yourself. You are loved and you are a good person. You may be mentally ill, but that doesn't mean you matter less. I also have a bunch of people who hate me now, and I also feel terrible being in this fandom space now, but just know that you are loved and cherished as a person, and anyone who harasses you, talks badly about you, or anything of that nature is on them, not you. I hope you're doing ok, and that the new year brings you nothing but sunshine and warmth. I promise you matter, and I'm not just saying this for no reason.