I feel you on every level. Being queer is not an easy ride at all on every level on it.

But maybe gender exploration is actually worth it to cling on, because getting bits of euphoria after hearing pronouns you like is kinda nice ngl. Even if its only online, doesnt mean the euphoria you might get is fake. The world currently is already a very sad place, why not get some harmless fun in using a more comfortable way of expressing self differently at least online! Im so sure you'll find that 0,01% of people to support you and your journey. I support you!

Also for me exploring my own gender identity opened a completely new mindset of seeing things as gender neutral in a way that is comfortable to me. The only example that comes to mind is wearing make up - it used to feel like such a hyperfem thing, but now its just. Queer shenanigans mixed with self-expression. It doesnt make me look gender neutral, but it also doesnt cause dysphoria. Idk if my words make sense lmao. I wish i could speculate if i'd wear make up if i still identified as cis female or no, but i really think its my mindset that changed. I COULD ALSO BE DELULU ON THIS SO UMM-

Maybe i got off the question a bit, but yeah, for me too most people do not care, even i misgender myself without thinking. But somewhere in my head i still know im a silly keeature even if nobody else around me knows it. Thats my little joy. Even it causes me a lot of struggle. Still a little joy. Maybe you can find your little joy in it too.