One last post. Apologies that I went back on that word, but this is the very last one.

I’d like to say that Norton and I are friends again. There’s a lot we’ve talked about, and we’re growing together continuously. I debated making this post for a long time because I do not want to weaponize my friendship with her or make it seem as though I use her for self gratification; Norton is dear to me and I’m so glad she has taken a chance on me again! Being able to get to know her all over again and learn on this journey with her is amazing.

My point isn’t expressing that my victim has forgiven me and therefore am absolved of any wrongdoings I’ve done [I was never a groomer or shotacon in the first place, so…], but rather that I WAS wrong, and I did do hurtful and wrong things, but that doesn’t change the fact that change and growth is something we are all capable of!

If possible, I’d like to be made in contact with the owner of Tumblr.com/Shotakoa, so they can update that blog with this if anything. But I also understand that for many I am not deserving of such. That’s okay. I just wanted to let this be made clear in some way, in public, while I work away at my rentries.

I still don’t want to be in the public eye again, especially not any time soon. I’m not joining public spaces either. However, I’m not as paranoid as I was when I made that first post.

Thank you to everyone who read it and reads this one. I will continue healing, and I’ll continue moving forward. May you all do the same.

Hi. Since I’m back “online”, I thought I’d say a last couple of things.

Really, I’m not ‘back online’ at all, nor am I trying to “rebrand”, as apparently people have been claiming. I’m not trying to have a presence on SNS at all. I’m not making any more public accounts, I was going to delete my Tumblrs but I have some things I’d like to keep archiving, so once I can finally archive those, they’ll be gone [Mainly graphics, plus I think MOGAI archival is very important and I want to keep my terms somewhere safe]. No one should have any worry that I’ll ‘come back’ in any capacity, because I’m not interested in content creation or SNS at the moment. I’m only making rentries because I’d like to keep my URLs and making graphics is still a hobby.

As for anything previously on this account — I saved everything I needed to save. I also saved what Norton told me, so that I can remember it and think about it [ A lot more, but proof ]. Deleting it isn’t an attempt to cover up anything I’ve done or run away, it was simply because I’m no longer the same person I was when I started this account two years ago.

The last eight months, I have been thinking deeply on the sort of person I am and how I have affected those who once knew me and currently know me. I fully admit I was manipulative, neglectful, self—centered, rash, ill—tempered, and two—faced. I fully admit I mistreated Norton while he(? Apologies, I don’t keep up) was age—regressed. I don’t have an excuse for that, and never did. I won’t say I groomed him, after many conversations with my therapist and showing her directly what Norton has said, because that would’ve required planning, secrecy (Many people daily saw the mistreatment—even abuse—I put him through), awareness and time I did not have. We had a six month gap in our friendship due to events in January 2023, and even then I had a curfew of nine p.m., his age regression wasn’t something I could’ve planned or incited due to it being because he integrated with a different alter, and more, but I’m not here to talk about what I’ve discussed in therapy. Norton's free to think of my abuse however he’d like, that’s not my decision to make, I was simply clarifying this.

I’d like to apologize to Reona here too. I had falsely claimed that she had spread dangerous pictures of me. It’s important to note that I fully believed she did when I had said it. I did not learn the truth until police were called to my house and they had gone through my device. I apologize for the stress I caused Reona due to my paranoia.
As for the one who actually spread it; I wasn’t going to press legal action even if I could, and you shouldn’t worry about your parents being aware of anything you’ve done. You’ve broken my trust, but that was my fault for being so naïve. I’m sorry you had to be involved with me. I hope you’re happy, lemon.

While I was gone, I had gotten a crush confession. It seems stupid to mention, but I want to respond as they seemed to hope for one. To them: This is a firm rejection. You had hoped to be friends, but that isn’t possible. I’m sorry, and I hope you’re healthy — I’d speak to a professional about the reasons why you crush on people, since it’d only put you in danger.

If anyone wanted to speak for any reason, I’m afraid that won’t be possible. I’m putting a hard foot down on any sort of communication or building a community. To past and ex friends, thank you for the memories. To past and ex members of any community I was part of, thank you for helping me grow my skills. Thank you to everyone who taught me a lesson.

Finally, I’d like to give back to the community a little bit. I made a playlist — Zhebelev’s Day In RecoveryLand — with the purpose of sharing songs that helped me learn something / I had previously gatekept. I’ve been thinking of adding a list of manga I previously gatekept (The theme on Engagekiss is “Until Your Sword Breaks”) but that will take quite a while. I am going to make a rentry with a list of both of these things. They’ll be on my more popular URLs, so I won’t need to announce them or anything. I know I’ve turned over a new leaf and I don’t need anyone to believe me.

I think that’s all. I won’t be using this as a social media and this will be my last public appearance ever. Thank you for reading.

A lot of it comes to down understanding what you want from others and learning you can’t control them.

For me, whenever I face feelings of disappointment, I try to write down what caused it ー if the cause of disappointment is because someone did something I did not expect or mentally “approve” of them to do, I write down affirmations reminding me that everyone is their own person & I do not need to be in control of everyone to have a happy life.

Recently I’ve been deconstructing these things with my boyfriend particularly because I went through something that’s been leaving me bitter & helpless recently. It’s really helpful to have a genuine support system …

One thing I’ve learned is that we, as beings with egos, will always be inherently manipulative & selfish. What matters is minimizing the damage dealt by our feelings & reacting to them appropriately. “You can’t control how you feel, but you can control how you react” ー very important lesson!

I’m glad you thought of me for this. ♡︎
I know your same struggles; I was masculinized by my mother until there was proof that I was “feminine” enough for me to actually be seen as a girl (periods, in my case). Being latina didn’t help with feminine socialization either, jajaja … Point is, there are many intersex people who will understand & You certainly have a community. I’m happy you can embrace yourself now, dear! Please know that no matter what others say, you’re feminine enough ー femininity is not just appearance, it is essence, and you certainly have it.

The number one tip I give anyone transitioning into femininity is!! Tuck your shirts into your waistband!! It gives a more feminine silhouette. This can even been done wearing sweaters (There’s a lot more than just this video! Just search ‘tuck and crop sweaters’). Embracing skirts helps too — if you feel self-conscious, then wearing tights under can help!
Generally, form-fitting clothes are good for gender-affirmation … Body dysmorphia might be blockade in this, but I think working towards presenting the way you’d like will squash that issue partly too ^.^

I hope some of this can help … I hope you can get to a point you’re proud of. Your journey will be fun, I promise! I’m so glad you can embrace yourself ^.^

The same reason I’m good at making names now! Teasing, but … I suppose it comes somewhat naturally?

It’s easiest for me to think of a name as poem; all the elements must go together to form the message I wish it to … Logolepsy & a general interest in etymology helps with that too, of course! If you want to make names you like, I recommend finding names you’re already fond of and combining them. I.E. I like the names Arabelle & Elizabeth ー〜＞ I can create Arabeth, Elizara, Eliba. ^^ Keep in mind why you like the sounds of the names too, and eventually you’ll be able to find words you can frankenstein that’ll sound good with original meanings you like!

For titles & pronouns, I use a similar logic … I don’t like pronouns that are just … kitty/kittys (on myself) for example, because I find them boring and predictable. That’s why I often take the first aspect of the word to use as the ‘he’ & ‘him’ in the pronoun ー〜＞ ki/kit/kitty (he/him/his). ^.~
Titles are whatever sounds coolest, of course! Think of yourself in a phantastical light!

Oh!!! This is amazing!!! You are so, so, so appreciated!!! ♡︎

In many ways, HC has shaped aspects of my identity — I believe HC2 & HC3 to be the most memorable experiences, but the “simplicity” of HC1 (in only hindsight) is welcoming (for those who seek it), and sets up the rest of Charlotte’s (Or, ‘My’) — and the other tenant’s — story well.

I think that’s shown in HC1’s “innocent” chapter names too, referencing common childhood things (toys, storybooks — three little bears…). I will never get over Felix’s reaction to what happens to Charlotte. It sends chills down my spine anytime I remember, and even though “Seth”, WE, Charlotte, nor Felix, knows what’s to come, we can tell that the relationship Charlotte has with the tenants permanently changes — what was once a house, became a Home, then was reverted back to a House. It’s… unfortunate, much like growing up, I think.

One can not overstate the importance of a Schizophrenic lens while playing HC, especially HC2 & HC3. The lines between fiction, fiction within the game, and reality within the game blur, and it’s hard to tell what is a conjuration of Charlotte’s (or, perhaps, Charles’?) mind (Of course, it’s fiction within fiction within fiction. You’ll get it.) Every part of Charlotte’s friendship with C, and the Oracle, hurt me. She’s dependent on the Oracle and her self-isolation is evident. Even though C breaks through to her — does he even? — it’s only an attempt to lick his own wounds; according to anyone “rational” in the story. Obviously, MY opinions on C are very different.

The Oracle is precious to me; truly Charlotte’s only friend. And how sad is that? They can only hurt Charlotte, and yet, evidently, they protect her in their own way. Embracing The Oracle is the only way for Charlotte to be any semblance of herself (— at least, as she’s become). All the (HC2) endings are marvelous, and I’d compare them to an ouroboros symbol.

Q84 is the most Me, I’m sure you’ll see why. I hope you can see deeper than most; She self-isolates in a much more destructive way than the Charlotte “Seth” has come to know.

Remember to play Delirium & Heavens Gate as well! They’re both wonderful spin-offs, especially if you like the side cast!

THIS IS LONG Bear WITH ME …

Gen 01: Squirtle
Gen 02: Cyndaquil
Gen 03: Torchic
Gen 04: Piplup
Gen 05: SNIVY!!! MY BABY!!! My first ever starter!!
Gen 06: Fennekin
Gen 07: Popplio
Gen 08: Scorbunny
Gen 09: Sprigatito
Bonus Legends Arceus: Cyndaquil again!!!

Eeveelution: Umbreon ♡︎ I don’t know why I hold this one closest to my heart … My least favorite is actually Jolteon; I just think it’s the least creative design (Gen 01 ‘mons, le sigh …), and its’ shiny is pretty bad … (Espeon loses points for this too)

Mythical: I was going to say Victini but I’m leaning towards Shaymin, actually! I ID with both pretty strongly …

I love all Pokemon pretty equally as I hold good memories with all of them, but these are mainly because they fit my teams usual aesthetic of very cute powerhouses!! ^.^