Brave Anonymous · 5d
This might be an odd one (and long!) but I feel like I should get it off my chest. I've known you for ages and we fell out a long time ago, I would argue even before your worst downward spiral, and was an outsider who was roped into much of the drama you later were involved in and became a refuge for many people who emerged hurt from the things you did. I do not claim to be able to fully forgive you, as the memories from people I've seen are great in their weight and there are things about you still that I think are... indelicate, so to speak. Nonetheless, I did not write to insult you. I write to genuinely wish for a full recovery for you, because I understand the spirals bad mental health can cause, especially with the environment you were raised in. I wish for you better days in the future when you can look back on the time you spent on the internet and laugh and go "wow what the fuck was that." I don't know where you are in life but I'm going to college this year as one of the most accomplished people in my grade. I've got a partner who I love and I childishly hope would be able to marry one day (as I'm typing this, she's sleeping. She occasionally rouses briefly to ask me to repeat that I love her, and then goes back to sleep once she gets her confirmation). I'm more offline than ever. But I occasionally still do remember you with a mixture of well-wishes and bitterness and I suppose you would understand the feeling. I wish you better days, I wish you friends and lovers who are kinder to you than you used to be to others. I wish you remorse that weighs on you as needed but doesn't consume you. Most importantly, I wish you humility, as I believe that is what will bring you the most happiness. If you wish, I will say more, but if not, this is where I will leave it. --The Sun
I don't know exactly how to respond to this because I can't ... tell who you are. A lot of trauma from the time also blurred the memory of people who I held so close to my heart that it felt like a part of me died when they left. I have dreams about my past [friends] and occasionally remember "new" things but it doesn't really matter in the end. I'm upset by it [partial amnesia] but it's also for the better, I think, otherwise I think I would spend most of my time crying and unable to move on. I hope to remember one day. That's a bit off-topic, though.
You could be harsher. Rather than just indelicate, I know to this day I struggle with my language and put myself first to a selfish degree -- my biggest flaw is also my ego. If I could be quiet, if I could listen, then I'd be much better off. It's hard to re-learn because it makes me feel small and cornered and much like a weak predation animal, I start lashing out and baring my teeth. Even though the danger's all in my head, or it's my fault I ended up cornered anyway. You're right that I need humility. Thank you ...
₍⑅ᐢ..ᐢ₎ I keep talking about things that are beyond "You", so I apologize. I guess it's because no one who I felt devastated when they left has sent me anything, nor have any other asks mentioned it so I'm taking this opportunity to lay my thoughts bare. You didn't grant me this selfishness, but thank you for giving me the opportunity to, and I'm sorry for using your reaching out to.
You and your partner sound lovely, and it brought me a smile to read about such. She sounds lovely, and I wish for your eternal happiness -- or at the very least, that there's always a rainbow after your rainy days.
You can always send another message! And ... If you feel that anyone who used to knew me would like to hear such, please extend my apologies. I don't want to pick at old wounds, but any old friend of mine would know what my legs are dotted in. I suppose it's in my nature to disturb peaceful things, but I still wholeheartedly wish to reconnect with old friends ... I don't know where on the scale of possible that lies on, though I won't ask you to humor me on such nor ask, since you seem quite the opposite -- it feels you'll just tell me to let sleeping dogs lie -- moreover, if anyone did want to reach out, I'm sure they'd do so out of their own will ... My train of thought has failed me, but basically: Thank you, and more messages will be welcome with open arms.
And one more side note: Do you like Joy Again? Have you seen their latest album? It's very precious to me, as their last one. I just think their song Angel is a lot like me. " Don't listen to the voice that's telling you I'm someone else, / I'm only what I was to you back then " ^^
