This was very long at first so I somewhat summarized and condensed this, feel free to message me and talk more one on one if you want my targetted advice not just generic xd. First off, accept everything. The good and the bad. There's no thought crimes, way more people are just as fucked as you are or worse than you think. Embrace it even, but don't force it. Cut off people who affect you negatively, I know it can be hard, but you can't justify keeping that around. Most importantly fix your conditions that keep you down and bad best you can, or you'll never improve. Try DIY psychedellic therapy (so like disassociatives or LSD or shrooms or shit and a lot of thinking about your issues during it). Educate yourself on psych theory, specifically theory of DBT and on the different selfs and things like that. Talk to people about your issues. Talk to an actual therapist, if you can find a good one (if they ever try to push anything on you stop, that's a major red flag). Avoid psychiatric meds at all costs, especially SSRIs. Get to the root of shit don't even bother trying to treat the symptoms. Maladaptive copes, while you should keep in mind their bad, are better than killing yourself, it's okay, I'm doing so well now and I still smoke for my stress and suicidal thoughts, you can work on these things later when you're doing better. Try reading philosophy or like books with such themes. The acceptant nihilism of crime and punishment for example helped me a lot. This radical level of not caring about anything, and seeing the beauty and rare positives in thinks despite that, after you throw out all this focus on the issues kind of obscuring your vision. These are all I can think of of the top of my head, and it takes a long painful time to improve but maybe some piece here helps. Just, teach yourself psych things and be your own fulltime therapist if you want things to go faster.