Anon Friend · 12mo
sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to talk to people as myself, without constantly worrying about how I'm perceived. it feels really silly, but I think I just wish people liked me as much as I like them. I find people so interesting and I have so much love for them, but I find that it's hard for people to like me unless I'm offering them something. I wish that one day I could find a group of friends that understands me, but it's hard most of the time. I get afraid to leave my house and it's almost impossible for me to actually talk to people. I still have hope though. at least there are places like this and people like you who I feel like might understand a little bit.
I'm really late in replying, I lost track of things..! but this is a really understandable and valid and painfully important wish. i'm really sorry that you've been in enough circumstances of feeling loved only conditionally that it feels as if unconditional love isnt obtainable. it can really feel that way, and when that anxiety or heaviness builds up it becomes hard to open up to people, even when you really want to get to know them, because the harsh feelings have become so familiar. but a big thing is that... aa how do i phrase it..? for me, the most comfort i can give myself sometimes is saying 'im not different from other people.' and this isnt to say 'im boring' or ununique!! bot at all. but its to say that the love other people share is just as available to you, a person who's loveable. you seem like a caring person even from just this message, so i think once the right people who share the same interest and compassion do fit into place youre likely to have close and comfortable relationships! its hard, especially when that anxiety has already sunken in. its hard to open up to people who'd like to get to know you when its hard to open up to anyone. hold to your hope, its really important 💙 the most meaningful relationships in my life were made through consistently reassuring myself 'i need to give them the chance to love me'. finding people in familiar mindsets or familiar interests (like fics or skz for example ^^) helps so much with nerves imo!! i made my very closest friends on twitter in this way. i hope so much that you find the love and care that you want to share. its really hard, especially with a sort of reserved society lately..? but please stay hopeful! self reassurance is important in this sense imo, please remember that you're important and worthy of love and worth loving. the fear is really hard to push through, but i support you so much. i think of all things that helped me make friends through ny life until now, the most was being diligent and open even when i was really weary from a similar familiarity with feeling like the love and interest wasnt reciprocated. im sorry for the late reply and the tangent and such. im not too good with advice but i hope so much that this works out for you. you deserve to be cared about just as much as you care about others, and there are lots of loving people out there! i hope you find your people and get to feel and show comfort and love in that way really soon 💙
