hello... nooo i'm so sorry you went through that 🫂 i hope you're in a better place now. and your words do mean a lot to me, i feel very comforted hearing them. i actually see vulnerability as a strength; in fact, it's something i seek in others. i hope you don't feel bad about having once felt these things, just like how i shouldn't either. sad days just happen right?

you're so loving for leaving this message :) thanks for that, really. haha tbh i was just trying to express something i felt for a long time. once i got it out, i didn't (and still don't) want to read what i tweeted, so i can only vaguely guess at what you mean when you say i've articulated it well... :') only recently have i identified the corpses in my own mind, even though i've lived with a bit of psychic horror/discomfort for a while now. it's just me outgrowing myself, maybe? human creature squirming against the cage of its own mind.

i don't feel particularly damaged, and i don't feel an urge to be saved, nor do i think any secret piece of advice will unlock some hidden happiness within myself. i can look into the light on my own, and i can also realise that life is not meant to be taken so seriously. but i also know now that living takes a lot out of me. it's trying. reaching. being in constant motion. yet—sometimes i scare myself with my own blankness? i know what i should want, i know how i might get there, but some days i feel like a rag doll, sat on a shelf watching the world slide by, simultaneously content and disappointed with very little. then it makes me wonder if i'm a defect, or if i just lack some innate quality that makes me who i want to be. do i deserve to feel that way about myself? sometimes, i really do. but other times, those are just days where i covet what other people have. eventually, those days pass. some things are not meant to be yours, right? some lives, some titles, some moments. the things meant for you will find you.

weirdly enough, i think describing this feeling has really helped me. call it an asian upbringing, but i've been too used to pretending things are okay, LOL. but as it turns out, admitting that your internal environment is a clusterfuck actually does lift your mood... so i'm feeling better, and i really want to thank you for coming here to share what you've gone through too. i can't tell you how embraced i felt when i saw this message in my inbox. 🫂

and as for that last thing you said about my writing... thank you 😭 seriously, it means so much to me. i kept telling myself i would post my current wip this month, then next month, then the next, but i don't know. i just don't feel like it's done yet, and sometimes i wonder if it's disappointing that i kind of take my time with things. i know it isn't—no one's keeping score, and i don't feel that way about my favourite authors at all—but it still comforts me a lot to hear that. i humbly request that you wait a while more, please 🫂💛 i'm lucky that of all souls to have shifted, it was yours. thank you soooo much. really. have a lovely day ❤️❤️❤️