you know my heart, anon <3

1. cbx: this could be a whole ask in and of itself because i have Thoughts about each "angle"/ship, and i'm happy to elaborate should another land in my inbox just for them. but fundamentally, i see jongdae as the nucleus of cbx, as baekhyun and minseok are both much, much closer to him than to each other (but this distance is closing with inb100 and comes with its own benefits, like objective honesty). ironically, though, i've found that most existing cbx fic tends to centre xiubaek, because of the "rift" between baekchenists and xiuchenists LOL.

2. subaekchen: i love this trio, because they have TEETH. it's one where authors can get mean, as my friend sophie often wonderfully does in her work. i've always been drawn to them for personal reasons (they're my fave three members), but it especially exploded during exist era - where i saw junmyeon as the other mediator for baekchen during their divorce. i like subaek as a ship that lets me get cerebral in a way i find would be ooc for jongdae LOL. baekhyun is bitey but also... gentle with? considerate of? junmyeon in how he prods him to eat well and loosen up. he looks up to junmyeon for leadership and career advice, especially back during the era of superm. they are keenly and objectively aware of each other's flaws. meanwhile, jongdae is... quite rough with junmyeon, in his handsy hyung worship that may or may not be wanted. he also used to support junmyeon in Keeping the Peace on-camera and steering social interactions where they needed to go, even if it was a little boring. (this has since obviously been complicated by chengate.) more recently though, jongdae clung to junmyeon immediately after his military discharge, hinting to his role in supporting jongdae's return to exo activities. to me, they always invoke that image of the wolf, sheepdog and lamb in how baekchen both care for junmyeon? all three are insane and dysfunctional <3 i love them.

3. baekxingdae: less in vogue now, but i had a phase with these three once... there's something hugely compelling about how jongdae and baekhyun have their own History with yixing that i tend to read through the lens of nostalgia, transience, conflict (xingdae), and self-destructive ambition (baekxing). overall just very, very sexy and sad.

4. chanbaekchen: not one i read often because i find that jongdae tends to get marginalised as an add-on to chanbaek (which i'm very guilty of doing for all triangles here, icl). it does track, though, because prior to 2019, the extent of chanchen's "relationship" pretty much was... mutual friends with baekhyun LMAO. my preferred jongdae-centric read, however, is to contrast baekchen and chanchen, especially the trajectories of their relationships? the former are pre-debut best buds who have since come into conflict that i cannot stfu about, while the latter could not stand each other at first (or rather, jongdae couldn't LOL) but have since come together after discovering how much they have in common as "twin flames". all because of that one ladder s3 episode. baekchen are often paired AND pitted against each other (even as they try to avoid it) as main singers, almost like destiny. meanwhile, chanchen are complementary; they already share music credits together, and in chen fm, chanyeol was pushing jongdae to do musical genres outside his comfort zone - even offering to write a song for him! predictably, this triangulation especially popped off during chengate.

5. baekchenstar: MY FAVE OF ALL TIME. i alluded to it in "before the cock crows" but this trio drives me up the wall LOL because of the meta implications. hanbyul and baekhyun have a lot in common, as they're both shrewd, sharp-tongued, excellent networkers and, importantly, incredibly fond of jongdae (with frequent hints they both privately spend time with him in a personal capacity off-camera. that's catnip to me.). the difference is that hanbyul is able to inhabit that role of singer hyung for jongdae that baekhyun cannot. further sparking my interest is the interlaced way they all work together behind-the-scenes: hanbyul is close to voicetuning, who baekhyun goes to for vocal coaching, and a member of monotree, who loveeee writing for jongdae. he regularly attends and supports and promotes baekchen's solo schedules. he made a promise to visit and sing with jongdae in the military. he was vocal director for a bunch of baekhyun and exo songs, and dueted with jongdae on a single. i have very little doubt he'll somehow be involved for their next solo albums, hehehe.

as a last note, love triangles are shat on constantly in fandom, and i do love when they are overcome through poly like everyone else, but i hold a special spot in my heart for when they force protagonists to reflect, agonise, then make a choice between two different parts of themselves/life directions as embodied by their love interests. it lends itself well to character studies, i think!

hey anon, i'm not sure what question you're referring to, but thank you for taking the time to stop by and apologise? even if it's not entirely needed - i'm very comfortable deleting or ignoring questions i don't want to or feel like i can't publicly answer. i've had enough fandom drama, thanks. but please feel free to dm me if you like! i'd love to chat <3

as an aside though, i really do encourage people to do their own "research" - i have a longstanding gripe that exo meta nowadays, especially for jongdae, tends to be shaped by fic and twitter/retrospring discourse, instead of the other way around? i think it's a much, much better first step to actually put in the time to consume exo content yourself! and make original observations, instead of getting trapped in fandom echo chambers, as tempting as that might be. it's also especially important for a group like exo, i think, where there's so much... hidden and unspoken lore, given their colourful history over the years. it's something i'm still working through myself!

i'm criminally late in answering, but thank you so, so much for sending this in. i love hearing your thoughts, and they marry nicely with another reader's interpretation that honed in on the baekhyun/BAEKHYUN dichotomy as the root of his psychological issues. that wasn't quite what i had in mind for the ending, nor was baekhyun "trying to justify what he was about to do" himself as you detailed in your ask, but that doesn't matter! it's such a gift to invite such a divergence in readerly interpretation - even more because you both took the time and effort to share them with me here!

i deliberately wrote the ending to be ambiguous, which seems to have worked because the poll i made a month back was split EXACTLY down the middle between "hopeful" and "tragic". i think it reflects the ambivalent conditions "before the cock crows" was written in: for a horror fest, that invites darker endings; for baekchenists, who are extremely averse to unhappy ones; and the fact that i actually softened the ending from my original plan (which was gross, mean angel sex that would have taken a similar tone as the subaekchen scene that preceded it, but with WAY more body horror).

as i wrote in my author's note, this fic was meant to be many things, but among them was a reflection on how fucking awful the wait for jongdae was during chengate, as well as the state of baekchen (and their fandom) during the so-called "divorce". that's another reason for the ambiguity - at that stage, we had yet to receive what i thought was proper resolution for these things, which was granted a few months later at baekhyun's fanmeet (though lonsdaelite complicates this somewhat, but that's best saved for another time). and as a canon-compliant fic published in october 2023, i wanted the ending to reflect the current state of affairs? i believe a function of fanfic is to document shifts in meta/shipper sentiment like this!

though it should be noted that, even amongst all this pessimism (that i revelled in the chance to finally explore in fic LOL), i still chose to change the name of this work from "nothing but light" to "before the cock crows" at the last minute. and in doing so, allow the possibility of reconciliation by honing in on the metaphor of jongdae as jesus and baekhyun as peter (instead of judas and retribution, which was an idea that had enticed me for much longer, and still does. it's also a much more popular interpretation of baekchen nowadays. but i personally still think peter fits best for baekhyun - as jongdae’s first disciple, and the founder of his church, but who denied him thrice before his resurrection).

and here is where i blather even more: when writing "before the cock crows", i always thought of it in parallel to "take me to church". both are written from the perspective of idol!baekhyun, for one. but more importantly, their narrative trajectories both hinge on an idolisation of jongdae that lead baekhyun in completely different directions.

"take me to church" is far lighter in tone and reflects the joy i felt discovering exo and jongdae and baekchen for the very first time, through rose-tinted glasses. baekhyun's faith journey there is far more optimistic and marked by a "leap of faith" towards achieving selfhood. jongdae is also far more present. meanwhile, "before the cock crows" reflects how jaded i felt as a writer and shipper during chengate and the subsequent Divorce, in and because of fandom. baekhyun's "leap of faith" there - or how he answers the call to "follow me" - can instead be read as self-dissolution in the face of jongdae's absence; inflected with tragedy, futility and masochism.

yet, i left space for hope (which is the crux of baekchen - or how i like them best - that mean, contradictory tug between despair and hope LOL). it's very true that i wanted jongdae's existence as Guardian Angel to be ambiguous. but this is two-sided, and to support the view of him being "real" too, i wrote in subtextual traces of him "intervening". namely, the abrupt ways certain scenes end (phone ringing, door knocking, song playing, sasaeng murdered) that could be, and mostly are, viewed as signposts of baekhyun's declining mental state. they can be interpreted in two ways: delusion or faith, which are often conflated anyway. i left it up to the reader to decide.

i hope this doesn’t ruin the magic of the ending - again, i deliberately wanted it to be ambiguous, and for readers to construct their own meaning and interpretations. but i also wanted to self-indulgently offload all this somewhere. thank you for reading, if you somehow made it all the way to the end.

1. he's a really cute texter, who loves to use ~ and ㅋㅋ and various emojis: 😎👻💛🫠 (this is supposed to be a melting face but it won't show up on my computer OTL). this is not new, if you look back on things like his old cyworld acc from middle school, for example: https://www.tumblr.com/exotranslate/125270664108/pann-exo-chens-cyworld-past. the fact he retained these habits as a 30 year old man is hilarious though.
2. bubble, for as much as soons were apprehensive about him using it and us signing up, is the PERFECT socmed platform for him. i don't think it's necessarily true that "sm were holding him back" from communicating with fans in that manner, as some people claim. he's expressed self-consciousness about taking selfies and being averse to the "formality" of instagram, where you have to think up a caption and consistently maintain appearances. meanwhile bubble lets him yap to his heart's content without pressure!
3. and yap he does! it's something i've expressed awe at before, but it's another thing to see it directly in action: his ability to talk about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR AGES. he clocks in almost everyday to chat about COFFEE and song recs, then clocks out. i'd liken it to customer service, except he genuinely enjoys it!! it's why he's so beloved by staff and fansigns. he's an expert at making small talk, while leaving a warm, enthusiastic, friendly impression. it's also one of his tried-and-true methods of enforcing his boundaries and steering the conversation away from unwanted topics like his personal life.
4. he is more open to fanservice? which we already observed in him during last scene era as gratefulness and appreciation for those who stuck around after chengate. this is evidenced in the fact this bubble exists LOL, as well as messages like "C+S=💛🦖" and "you are always enough". the latter also speaks to an awareness of fan culture, and how he's "always watching" nowadays, which is a marked turn from how he actively distanced himself from external perceptions of himself and his work, such as music charts or sns comments. the newness is something he acknowledges himself with his peek-a-boo profile pic and past bubble bio.
5. he's nosy as FUCK, lol. especially after chengate, i think, he has a vested interest in who exactly his fans are? hence him encouraging fans to change their bubble pfps to their faces, and having a #soon selca day. all done without ill intent, ofc! it's part of his likeability - he's such an active listener as he does so. it's also consistent with past irl behaviour, like how he couldn't resist inquiring about "a breakup" he overheard backstage during his undercover82 vocal teacher video, and how he interviewed as many polaris attendees as he could while touring. genuinely hilarious how, for as much as he's excessively private about himself, he LOVES hearing about his fans' lives.
6. he really is a Normie when it comes to taste in media, OTL. though i sometimes wonder if he's self-censoring the more interesting ones because he seems to recycle "safe" song recs from years ago. i'm thinking back to when he let slip that he watched baki once and was then embarrassed that he admitted it LOL. (though i don't think he formed any particular attachment to it, but again, there seems to be a buffer between what he does and what he deems acceptable to say, not only because of the taboo circumstances around his personal life but because he genuinely wants to be a good role model to soons, in quite a paternalistic way? i often joke he's akin to a "benevolent kindergarten teacher" because of this.)
7. he's very playful! a troll! and thrives off being teased and goaded. you can see it in how he livens up and responds most to messages that poke fun (like at the way he drinks iced coffee, or has basic bitch music taste), rather than coddle him. he gives it back too in deliberately withholding spoilers and selfies after riling fans up LOL. irl, i think this also explains his affinity with baekhyun, why he prods at junmyeon in the rough way he does, and his closeness with minseok.
8. he much prefers being a dinosaur LOL. (and i support him!!) part of this is that he has almost zero affinity to pets - he prefers babies instead - and thinks the dinosaur is stupid and amusing as a representative "animal". the way he placated fan demand for kitty!dae made me CTFU because he doesn't actually say he looks like a cat, only that he likes them AFTER a troll-y process of reasoning ("ahh! they both have a tail!") and settles on some strange dinocat hybrid instead. so, so funny. (and another source of playful banter between him and soons now which, as we've just discussed, he loves best.)
9. he actively differentiates between exols and soons, which has been the subject of much debate on twitter. part of this is compartmentalisation (he separates his solo and exo work quite clearly), and another is awareness that the two are not mutually exclusive after chengate. rather than exclusion meant to offend, it's fairly obvious he intends the opposite: to only address those who want to be addressed.

we've finally reached the end. thank you for the ask. hopefully it wasn't too long! jongdae really has made this bubble subscription worth every cent, hehehe~

han, you should've told me!! i would've gladly walked you through the process OTL. but to answer your questions (that i'm very thankful you sent in, hehehe!):

1) i'm a bit of a cheese glutton so i don't really go for "light" cheese? but regularly buy camembert to snack on; am a bit of a pizza snob who constantly craves buffalo mozzarella as a topping; and recently polished off a wedge of pecorino that i got for my birthday and will go out seeking more next time i go grocery shopping.
2) i am a black hair purist but gun to my headddddd: green! because it's my favourite colour and also because it'll remind me of his MAMA fringe and give me a good belly laugh.
3) take my time, probably. knowing me, i'll probably mull over all my options and once i realise that there's no direction but forward, i will march onward but in my own time.

truthfully, there are a LOT of ideas that i linger for years on, in the hopes i do eventually find the courage and willpower to eventually write them. "before the cock crows" was one of them. another, but unwritten, is jongdae becoming a sith - but that's a challenge i'm determined to tackle at some stage. hopefully.

otherwise, probably non-conventional a/b/o? my wonderful friend sarah (otherwise known as kjongdaeism) has already begun writing something straight out of my dreams: alpha/alpha baekchen with a jongdae struggling with his sexuality and sub-gender. the link is here and you absolutely SHOULD check it out!! https://archiveofourown.org/works/53553877.

otherwise, i have been lingering on private about writing more fic that deconstructs jongdae's... issues when it comes to masculinity and sexuality. or at least my read on them. i did try once with my now privated shrek!au (with shrek!soo, fiona!dae, donkey!baek and lee soo man as lord farqaad LMAO) but have stalled on further attempts because i don't want to get it "wrong" or do the subject matter a disservice either. (we're also not exactly in the most welcoming or safest fandom either when it comes to policing rpf, but that's a tangent for another day).

but, once again, maybe one day!

jongdae is hilariously one of the members i think i have the least in common with? i share much more with sukaibaek, i think. i’m not even necessarily sure jongdae and i would even like each other if we met irl LMAO.

in many ways i am drawn to jongdae because of how different we are? i idolise him in the same way baekhyun does—from a place of perceived lacking and subsequent wonderment—which is a crucial part of why i’m so drawn to writing baekchen in his pov. but after some reflection, there are SOME aspects we’re similar in??

(warning for tmi to the max LOL): silent achievers, even if it is to our own detriment; preference for being the youngest in the group and almost exclusively attracted to older people LOL (but less superficially, what challenges/evades us); very strict in compartmentalising work/friends/family/fandom/etc. personas and interactions; extremely narrow, specialised skillset owing to our tunnel vision and specific perceived “purpose”; downright awful at keeping in contact, especially through socmed; comfort in being perceived as “boring” if it means evading personal questions; generally distant but… intense when it comes to the teeny tiny circle of people we ARE close with, making us circle back to general distance (see: “i don’t even mind”); lawful/principled/self-righteous LOL to a fault; actively striving to be “good” even if we do not think we are in essence (which is probably rooted in our catholic upbringings); undergoing a process of mellowing out as we age that includes gradually learning to accept help from others and express vulnerability.

caveat that of course a lot of this is perceived instead of actual, and is probably projection to some degree yada-yada. additionally, much of this can still be attributed to other members instead, especially baekhyun—baekchen get along because they are twins in a lot of aspects, in addition to their complementary differences. but i hope that answered the question LOL.

hey there. truthfully, the alleged 2019 baekchen beef is new meta to me too? any potential disagreement would have been separate to the divorce, imho. they seemed to be on good terms in 2020. (see: jongdae's enlistment photo, and the 200607 "candy" encore.)

though now i've had time to revisit the "obsession" promotional content, i didn't detect any bad blood (yet)? if there was beef, it would've been a mcdonald's patty to the dry aged wagyu tomahawk steak they have going on now LMFAO. they were fairly affable in the group radio star and iheartradio interviews - and my friend mos has kindly clipped evidence of the latter (twitter.com/mospumpkin7/status/1748452641854890268). perhaps less close than the attached-at-the-hip we're used to seeing for them, but that read to me as the natural consequence of two old friends - who are usually each other's support pillars - having clashing schedules and starting to embark on divergent life paths. baekhyun was SWAMPED with work from three sides, but still promoted aaaf and dmd (to a far lesser extent) on his socmed. meanwhile, jongdae was sick, had his hands full with his own solo debut and seemed preoccupied stressed out of his mind with reflecting upon his impending marriage and fatherhood. this was a period he kept emphasising how much he loved to spend time alone, to think, and looked to be detaching from the group generally.

i also believe that the other relationships baekchen fostered during this turbulent, transformative time said a lot about their individual priorities: emotional support for jongdae through hanbyul and chanyeol right before chengate broke; and career advancement and leadership training through junmyeon for baekhyun during superm activities.

finally, i SHOULD clarify that "best friends to enemies" is a joke! (mostly...) i used the word "(fr)enemies" firstly because it is funny, and secondly as a counter-reaction to how hyper-defensive exo twitter can be about acknowledging ANY form of potential conflict between them - even if it is normal, obvious, has precedent (e.g. xingdae schism), and is, most importantly, interesting. we've come a long way from when baekchen was being hyper-vigilantly "image managed" as a ship by its own shippers (out of necessity, ig) and when "divorce" was a dirty word. (well, actually, if i touch on anything pertaining to the darkest days of chengate, i WILL still get doxxed and/or start a riot on the tl. so i can't go into further detail on that front, sorry.)

ftr, i consider "(fr)enemies" to be one part of a much larger, complex story, and believe they're actively working towards reconciliation atm. but i'll elaborate later because i have a couple more baekchen divorce asks sitting in my inbox and don't want to repeat myself.

i see xiubaek as the "twin frosts" to chanchen's "twin flames": two people who are extremely similar and clash because of it. i agree with others, however, who say they are the closest they’ve ever been this year which, again, reminds me of chanchen’s 2019 breakthrough.

they are both incredibly intelligent, self-aware, image-conscious, introverted, diligent, petty, and sharp-tongued. and they are both drawn to jongdae for similar reasons.

what fascinates me about xiubaek is how their relationship is defined by a mitigation of distance. prior, they’ve had friction because baekhyun's way of being close with someone is to be obnoxiously funny, but minseok is... sensitive and prickly by disposition, which has limited their past interactions to dry, careful politeness. jongdae clicks with them individually because he knows how to play along with baekhyun and stop his antics before they go too far without killing the vibe, and can expertly navigate minseok's boundaries - loves it, even, because he gets to baby and manage his hyung. in a way, i think this clash previously came about from subconsciously hoping the other would fulfil that role of "being jongdae," because xiubaek are also similar in needing someone to bounce off to ease the burden of being entertaining on camera.

this is hilariously evident in ladder s1, which felt like a custody battle in how they took turns monopolising jongdae's attention LOL. even jongdae notices and repeatedly complains, “why are you only asking ME?” because xiubaek do not feel close enough to casually ask favours of one another yet, jongdae is stuck with being minseok’s photo puppet in the museum, and baekhyun’s laughing track when nobody else will gift him a pity laugh, and so on. the FUNNIEST example of this is the legendary ice-cream moment, where baekhyun is too embarrassed to spit out his too big bite into minseok’s offered hand, and helplessly looks at jongdae who leaves him to suffer the consequences of his own stupid joke, so he… just spits at jongdae instead.

and yet. xiubaek have demonstrated closeness when it comes to the serious, off-camera things. they are acutely aware of each other's weaknesses and insecurities - see ladder s4 with minseok correctly guessing baekhyun's fraught relationship with his self-image and, their recent exol jp interview. (tangent but the way minseok calls baekhyun "brother i can't hate" TWICE instead of "brother i like/love" in the latter really encapsulates their dynamic to me.) this is also an area, i think, where they step up for jongdae's sake, given his own general (sometimes willing) obliviousness and difficulty expressing his feelings.

(this could be its own ask, but i also think they grew closer because of the baekchen divorce. in mugi box, cbx named minseok as peacekeeper for baekchen, and i believe that he and junmyeon took on those roles again recently as jongdae's and baekhyun's guardians, respectively.)

ruminating on their current relationship, they are older and more mature (to tolerate each other) and have a vested interest in Actually Getting Along for inb100's, and jongdae's, sake. i also anticipate more xiubaek moments this year, given how they're both quite showy with affection on social media. they are business partners, but have always been closer with each other than with most of the other members, especially now. witnessing their relationship shift is really, really fascinating.

hey syn! thank you for sharing this wealth of information! it's really helped straightening out the fuzzier bits of my own mental timeline, and i especially appreciate the information from someone who actively follows and stans yixing. i highly recommend anyone interested in the xingdae schism to check syn's account and links out!

i actually edited it out of my initial response because i didn't feel informed enough about yixing's solo career to confidently make the assertion, but i'm glad someone else is of the opinion that said schism was less about the hard drive as is popularly believed/joked, and more about yixing's growing distance from the group to build his own career in china that jongdae may have taken personally, especially right after zitao left.

expanding on your tellonyme's read on jongdae, i agree. i can't help but think that this reveals another layer of meaning behind jongdae's penchant for intense, possessive care-taking: he positions himself as someone to be depended upon, so that he will not be abandoned. for how kind he is, he does not take "betrayal" well (think of his reaction to kyungsoo as x-man LOL). he is extremely firm with his personal boundaries, and once you fall from his favour, it is very hard to gain access to him again until he forgives you. which he will, but it takes time!