(long essay ahead)
sorry for taking a while to reply, i have a lot of thoughts about this and i wanted to make sure i could give you a coherent answer 💕 (author’s note: i’m not sure i succeeded)

first of all congratulations on gaining an audience, i know it might feel overwhelming and a bit scary but i think it is something that you should allow yourself to be a little proud of too, if you can ❤️ bc ultimately it means you shared something you created, and people connected with it, and that’s beautiful!

on the other hand, i do completely understand the apprehension you’re feeling too. having many eyes on you, especially when it’s not a gradual change, can be a very uneasy sensation! one thing to remember is that while YOUR experience feels very different now, not that much has changed for most of your followers! you suddenly see a big number of people in your following list, your notifications look different etc, but they all simply followed one new person, to be added to the ocean of other people they were already following :) it’s all about perspective!

the thing is, if you really don’t like having this many eyes on you, no one is stopping you from starting over, or going priv and being picky about who you allow in. there’s no right or wrong way to do twitter, but there IS a way do to twitter that’s most comfortable for you, and you will know that way better than i do! but if you think this is just something you have to get used to and want to work through, i’d love to provide you some advice from my own experience ❤️

one thing that i’ve noticed is that the anxiety definitely gets less big and intimidating as you continue to grow. i know i am by no means a big account if you look at twitter outside this specific community, but still; at some point numbers just start becoming so big that they’re hard to fathom. but i remember being way more intimidated by my followers number when it was around 1500, because back then my brain was like “wow, that’s a big number but i can kind of imagine that amount of people, so every follower gained or lost is still somewhat noticeable, oh no!!!” and i would stress about it quite a bit because i felt very… Actively perceived. now that i’m nearing 10k all i can think is “oh 10k will be a nice round number! how fun” lmao 🧍‍♀️ like, it matters less now, bc i cant even begin to imagine 10k pairs of eyes on me! like that’s fake, that’s not a real number!!! these people don’t exist!! (and honestly a large amount of followers in fact probably Actually dont exist bc theyre bots or people that are no longer active or people that follow so many accounts that it hardly matters that they follow me, yknow?)

so all in all, in my experience it does get a little less directly nerve-wracking with time, partially because you’ll get used to it as well. however, i definitely still do feel perceived in a lot of ways! for example i am pretty careful with what i retweet or post (although im working on being more brave about it hdkdjf), and back when likes were visible, i often even found myself overthinking what posts i should or shouldn’t like. as more and more people saw me, my brain was trying very hard to make my presence as palatable as possible, because i was incredibly scared of upsetting people, getting judged, or unwillingly getting involved in drama. and this wasn’t entirely unprompted: i’ve had anonymous messages from people that checked who exactly i was following, what fics i had bookmarked on ao3, who i was interacting with, etc… and you can bet they had a lot of opinions about all of that too :’) it’s not always been very easy! but as time went on i kind of realized that the people who do stuff like that are just… not the people you wanna be on twitter for anyway, so it’s easier to just accept their existence and delete their messages when they bother you, because the majority of people following you genuinely will not be inspecting your every move; they’ll just be happy to see you on their timeline and then move on with their day.

i think the main thing that always kept me sane is having a nice group of friends/moots that i’m closer with. it helps me keep my focus: i dont have to think about posting art for thousands of people, i just post art for the people i care about. i truly appreciate every stranger that comments nice things on my art a lot but i try to see all of that as mostly a nice bonus, basically, not the goal. the real goal is to make my friends keysmash and yell at me in my dms 🫡 and maybe i’ll even find some new friends in the process!!

now, IDEALLY id love to make art just for me and not even with my friends in mind, but social anxiety and a low self esteem are not things i have been magically able to get rid off all at once, so i’m taking it one step at a time :’)

i also really like having my priv account where i retweet and share personal things more freely!! it’s nice to have an outlet where i dont have to think about everyone potentially seeing my every move. absolutely recommend if you don’t have one yet!

anyway apart from the general perception stuff, one important aspect of having a lot of followers when you’re an artist/creator specifically is that it honestly very likely will impact your relationship with your craft. it’s a double-edged sword! positive feedback can be motivating and boost your confidence, people might give fun suggestions and offer inspiration for your projects, the thrill of engaging in a community can give a lot of energy and drive to create and post more things. but on the other hand, it can create a lot of pressure too. when you dont manage to create anything for a while, that is in and if itself already a bit of a bummer, but knowing that (large amount here) people have seen you post stuff before but can see you not posting now can feel kind of terrifying? for example i have posted so many wips that i didnt end up finishing and i feel quite a bit of guilt about that when i think about it too long 😵‍💫 and then even when you DO post art, suddenly you’re aware of how there’s bound to be people having opinions that might not be all positive! perhaps they will zoom in and find mistakes, perhaps they will feel like your newest piece isnt showing much improvement, perhaps they hate you and will kill you with knives etc etc… now of course, realistically the amount of people wanting to do that is very low, and they Dont Matter. but it’s hard to fully believe that sometimes, so i get you 🥲 just remember that again, it’s a large number of people for you, but you are just one single blip on their radar!

but yeah for example i do absolutely feel paralyzed with fear every single time i post art and i’m not kidding. i usually ask some friends to hype me up when i finish a drawing because once it’s time to post i will suddenly literally lose the ability to see if my art looks good, if there is enough likeness, etc. it’s kind of pathetic but it happens every time, and i often end up pressing post with my eyes closed while going “euUEUEUHHEWGHG” and then i sit and wait for positive comments to come in for a few minutes and then im like “okay im calm now im so calm and cool and i never should have doubted myself” 🧍‍♀️ but the important part is that i do press post, and every time it gets a little less scary… or like, maybe it’s still scary, but i have simply accepted it as part of the whole ordeal, and feel more at peace with it. so yeah definitely know you’re not alone at all, and there’s no shame in asking for help from others ❤️

lastly i think it helps a lot to befriend or at least talk to other artists!! (obviously only befriend them if you actually like them as persons but you get what i mean) the thing is imo almost nothing is quite as healing as seeing other artists that you look up to being absolutely terrified and/or filled with self-doubt sometimes. which makes me sound like a horrible person now that i think about it bc of course i dont want them to go through that… but god is it a relatable eye-opener!! bc if they feel a lil scared or insecure, but you think they’re super cool and talented, then perhaps it’s easier to recognize the irrationality of your own insecurities! and you can exchange experiences and advice and compliments! as a bonus, i personally also tend to feel less intimidated by the skills of other artists when i befriend them. some of my friends make art that would have made me incredibly insecure about my own skills a year ago, but now that i know them and see how hard they work for it behind the scenes and know they’re also just random guys ruining their wrist and eyes and back with their horrible posture im like.. oh… maybe we are all the same… maybe comparison is the death of creativity and freedom… etc!! (ngl i am not a saint and i sometimes do still get jealous and insecure when i see other people post even now… but it is more Manageable)

and i mean also art friends are nice bc you share a passion and it’s fun and it once again keeps your head above water when you lose yourself in the ocean of people floating around you. make art friends ❣️❣️❣️ do it ❣️❣️❣️

also to further illustrate me still being very aware of being perceived; i took over two entire hours to write this reply bc i kept rereading everything to make sure i was clear enough and wouldn’t sound cringe or rude, even tho i know realistically maybe only 6 out of the 10k people following me will read this entire thing🧍‍♀️ but that awareness and insecurity is just a slowly shrinking part of my twitter experience and i find the positives worth the negatives so far!! i really do enjoy getting to know new people through my creations, i like how much i have improved the past year, i like people commenting on that improvement, i like doing commissions, i like feeling part of something, i like being able to help others when they come to me for advice, etc!! and all of that is made a lot easier by having a larger following, so i’m grateful for it 💕

i really hope reading this was of some help for you; of course i don’t know exactly what part you’re struggling with so i just kept it pretty general (not short, though. lord knows i am not good at keeping things short.) 🫡 please know you are always welcome to just dm me on twitter if you want to discuss this more specifically, or even just message me on here again if that’s a bit scary :) and please don’t actually hide far away, i’m so glad you reached out ❤️