Nameless Grub · 27d
i think i remember in an earlier ask you mentioned that you didn’t rlly identify as trans, which both surprised me and didn’t surprise me… i think the current consensus among a lot of younger queer ppl of what trans means is ‘anything other than cis,’ but the word ‘trans’ still primarily conjures to mind images of people who transition in a binary way bc of its historical usage, which colors how it describes all sorts of nb ppl who have the term used on them without their consent.
i technically would call myself trans, but i’m pretty ambivalent abt the term. when i say ‘i’m trans,’ i feel like i’m setting into stone something that should be free to twist and change freely. it’s a bummer that there is no term in english to denote ‘does not subscribe to western frameworks of gender,’ and i guess the closest recognizable term would be like, agender? but that word literally has the word gender in it, and that’s what i’m trying to get away from… also it gives me negative vibes because of the prefix ‘a’. sends me back to science class (eew)…
after i came to grips with the fact that i wasn’t cis (according to commonly accepted societal definitions) the label ‘trans’ was very important to me. but now, if i don't have to interact with homophobia/transphobia in my environment, the primary way i interact with gender is for horny fantasy power dynamic purposes (lol) bc gender is so totally a power hierarchy and that’s pretty sexy if it’s on your own terms. i guess it’s ironic that when i’m surrounded by queer ppl, gender mostly becomes obsolete unless it’s a fun self expression thing, which kind of negates transness as a concept. when i’m in those environments the things that define my identity are more like, my traumatic background and how it impacts my relationships with others…. but there’s no 2024 indeitiy boutique label to curate myself with when it comes to that, so it stays a free flowing concept (probably better that way).
as you can probably tell i’m coming at this from the perspective of a young person (under 25) so i prolly see it differently from you. love your work 🪲💌📫
Yeah, it’s a word that has nothing to do with me. If I thought someone could know me as a fixed thing, I would destroy all connection to them. The pleasure I derive is the pleasure of a shapeshifter.
When I was younger, I allowed people to think of me whatever way they wanted as a business decision + the result of years of corrective sexual abuse. And the reaction I got when I finally asserted myself, reminded me why I let people do it in the first place. Some people want to kill the other pieces of me. But I am not X or Y, I am a spirit of love which possesses the world.
I would rather be thought of as a rank opportunist than trans, because at least opportunism contains within itself the essence of change. People thinking of me as a woman or a man isn’t a testament to anything but my skill at deception. And what could be finer?
But I don't judge others for the terms they use, it's all personal. I agree, it’s hard to “opt out” without “opting in”. I don’t wear other people’s dirty clothes unless I’m jerking off. "Horny fantasy power dynamic purposes" exaaaaactly. Based…waow…the hierarchies are so essential to what I write.
I'm glad things are becoming fluider. It makes me so happy to see, and I have received such kindness from younger people, who seem to really get the fluidity in my art. But there are people who understand in all times everywhere. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for the sweet letter! 🪳💌📫
