I leave an offering at your altar o haruspex. Once I got so into a video game that I hardly walked at all for two weeks. As it turns out, you need to walk around for your digestive system to function properly. Consequently, two weeks of greasy shitty gamer food impacted hard into my rectum like a concrete apple. I spent hours trying to pass it and fissured my anus from the strain. At this point the advice is to go to the hospital so that the nurses can help you birth the thing. Instead, I got a butter knife and stuck it in there to start prying bits off. (Not medical advice.) Thankfully this worked and I eventually it slid out in big chunks like apple slices. This happened at my mom's house and nobody ever found out, thank all that is holy. I am however still haunted by the UTI I caught from doing this in a half-full tub, thinking that this would help soften the stool. What do you read in my entrails?

P.S. Tub was cleaned and knife destroyed.