Um this Activated me and I may have written 1445 words about it in a mad frenzy.

wagh 😭 thinking about Martin and Tim hooking up on and off from s1 onward… how the tone changes from fun and sweet to angsty and a bit aggressive, and by the end they’re both clearly using it as an outlet to hurt themselves or at the very least get out of their heads…

Martin finds out he’s pregnant before the Unknowing and thinks about telling Tim, but when he goes to the Institute to do so he runs into Jon instead (who he may or may not have been Imagining whenever he’s with Tim) and they end up sharing a chaste teary kiss and Jon saying he’ll take Martin out for dinner if he survives this. Martin feels like shit agreeing while knowing he’s carrying another man’s baby, but he’s been in love with Jon for two years now, and he can’t say no.

He decides not to tell Tim. He was hoping learning there’s a baby might make Tim more careful with his own life but after talking with Jon he realizes Tim is doing worse than he thought and doesn’t want to make him angrier, or worse, have him spill all of his and Martin’s history to Jon. Given all of this, Martin is eaten up with guilt when Tim dies, even though they haven’t said more than a few words to each other in nearly a year.

However this means Martin is several months along when Peter comes around so he agrees to work for him but doesn’t fall as deeply into the Lonely. He doesn’t end up coming back after his paternal leave so he’s nowhere to be seen when Jon wakes up. When Martin opens the door with the baby in his arms and sees Jon standing there he just kind of wants to die at the look on Jon’s face, shocked and maybe even betrayed but SAD more than anything. He invites Jon in fully expected to be dressed down but Jon’s wet-kitten timid demeanor just makes him feel worse.

It’s only feeling like he has nothing left to lose that makes Martin say, bursting out of him after a few stilted minutes of small talk, “It was you, Jon, it’s always been you, okay? I was just too much of a coward, and- I did love Tim-” Jon flinches, and Martin doesn’t know if it’s the words or the fact that he’s sobbed them out, “-but as a friend, you know? A- my best friend, maybe, and- fuck, I’m such a- I’m awful, I never even told him- cause I knew! I knew when we said goodbye and I just let you think- and I didn’t-!”

“Martin, Martin, Martin.” Suddenly Jon is on the couch next to him and he keeps saying his name soft and so /loving/ and Martin’s crying and now the baby’s crying but Jon’s still there so timidly touching Martin’s shoulder. “Martin you didn’t- owe me that. I- after how I treated you-”

“You haven’t- it wasn’t like that anymore.”

“Maybe I wasn’t a-a-a- a raging prick to you anymore, but I- I pushed you away. You tried to help and I-I- of course you wouldn’t feel comfortable telling me that you…” He trails off, staring at the baby like he’s really just noticing them for the first time. Martin’s settled them a bit, though they still fuss and paw at his shirt.

“Sorry, um- I think they’re hungry, do you mind-?”

“No, no, not at all. Y-you- yes. Do what you must.” Jon tries to smile with that, but it’s such a sad attempt that Martin can’t look at him anymore. He focuses on his baby’s face as he picks up a blanket, tugging it just far enough up his shoulder that Jon won’t see anything as he begins to nurse.

An awkward quiet settles. At least, Martin thinks it’s awkward until Jon begins to speak with that tone that means he’s been thinking very deeply.

“You… you were pregnant? When you volunteered to confront Elias?”

Exhaling shakily, Martin nods. He runs a gentle fingertip over the baby’s cheek. “Mm. Yeah. I mean, I… I didn’t think he’d physically hurt me. And even if he did, it… what we were doing was too important.”

Hushed, Jon asks, “Did he hurt you?”

“He… showed me things. About…” How voice wobbles, and he clears his throat. He arranges his child’s wispy curls for a moment before he can go on. “It doesn’t matter. I’m okay.”

Jon scoffs, at which point Martin looks up. Jon’s expression softens, but he still says, “You don’t have to lie to me.”

Martin doesn’t know what to say to that. The silence stretches until Jon says, more timidly,

“When… They said you… when I was in hospital…”

Martin’s throat thickens. “Yeah,” he rasps. “Looked right pathetic, always at your bedside, all- hormonal. Weepy.”

Jon’s eyes gleam. “Martin…”

“Just glad I didn’t really show until late. That would’ve told a story, pregnant man weeping over a- comatose corpse.”

A small, hurt noise comes from Jon’s chest.

“Martin, can- may I hug you?”

A part of Martin, addled by the Lonely and uncomfortable about his postpartum body and the baby at his breast, wants to say no. But the rest of him, aching with years of smothered love, gasps, “Please?”

Jon hugs hard for such a withered man. He throws his arms around Martin’s neck and presses his face against his shoulder. Martin fumbles with the baby, ignoring their plaintive whine as they unlatch, and crushes Jon close in his free arm. He turns his head and, in a mad burst of joy, kisses Jon’s forehead. Jon makes a broken noise. Martin tries to pull back, apologies beginning to curl his tongue, but Jon just squeezes him harder. A hand knots in his hair.

“I love you, too, Martin,” Jon croaks, and Martin gasps a sob. “You know that, don’t you? And I- I understand if things have changed but—“

“They haven’t, Jon, not-not for me. I mean- they have. They very much have, but I still-“ he sniffles, trying not to get snot on the man who is giving him such a gracious second chance. “I still feel the same.”

“God,” Jon groans, and manages to clutch him tighter.

After a while, the baby gets properly fussy, and Martin must end the hug to guide them back to his chest. Once they’re settled again, he looks at Jon. The poor man looks like he’s been dragged through a puddle, bedraggled, cheeks wet, purple under his eyes and red inside them.

“Is it- I understand, if you can’t right now, but, if… I suppose it might be difficult to go out, but my offer still stands, if- if I ordered in some dinner…?”

Martin sobs afresh, but this time he’s smiling, wheezing an awful, disbelieving laugh when he inhales. “Really?”

“Yes,” Jon says gravely. “Yes, of course.”

“I- I don’t know if I’m- it’s kind of a hard time to think about anything serious—“

“Of course. Take your time. And I…” Jon grimaces and looks away for a moment. “I may need some time to, ah. Adjust to the, uh… well. All of it.”

“Yeah, that’s- yeah. Take your time. And I, um. If it… gets too hard, the baby being around, or- that they’re Tim’s,” he swallows, throat still aching around the name, “that’s alright. I get it.”

Jon smiles, though sadness pinches his eyes. “I, uh. I won’t say I find all of this news… easy. But nothing about this- goddamn job has been easy, and- i-if I’m going to do anything difficult— lord, it’ll be nice to do it for something good, for a change.”

Martin laughs wetly. “O-okay. Thank you.”

Jon tsks. “Don’t thank me. Just- tell me where you’d like to order from?”

So, Jon orders food. They have stilted but good conversation while they wait, and Martin has just put the baby down for a nap when the delivery arrives. He and Jon eat on the couch, knees touching occasionally, hands brushing as they reach for sides and try each others’ dishes.

And when Jon asks, timidly, “Do you think I could… hold the baby? Wh-when they wake up?” Martin dares to think things might turn out okay.

(And then they end up being a little family and when 154 comes Jon gouges his eyes out and that makes him no longer Archivist and frees everyone in the archives and they settle down and have two more kids and 3 cats and a dog and when their first kid is old enough they tell them all about Tim and what a good friend he was.)